Revisiting "Pagdadala Model"

Saturday, August 28, 2010
9:26 PM

This week has been particularly heavy for me. I found myself one step forward and two steps backwards. My experience of betrayal and hurt continues to hunt me as I fall into episodes of deep sadness and frustration. I was praying hard to accept and heal and a sign was given...

I was attempting to write a paper about a wife's experience on the husband's unfaithfulness. The 'Burden Bearer's Tale (Pagdadala) is perfect in understanding the unique experience of women facing betrayal and infidelity. I am specifically concern on the journey of forgiveness, moving- on and acceptance. Anyway, while trying to put the puzzle pieces together, I know I will have to revisit and rediscover my own experiences. So, I grabbed my sketch pad and started scribbling my thoughts down. I also revisited the book that changed how I look life: Rehab. Luckily, I decided to bring it home along with the books I intend to read: Management by Culture and Filipino Work Values both by FL Jocano. So I read…

" A burden is something we receive. It is given to us and thus accepted by us. We are not passive bearers because we have choices whether to carry a particular burden or not. Once accepted, the act of burden-bearing starts. Since receiving comes with the interaction of destiny and self, the burden-bearer finds it hard to accept the burden if s/he is not prepared for it.

Path should be chosen to achieve a destination. No matter what, a burden should be brought to the destination, otherwise, the burden-bearer fails the journey. Take note, however, that the burden is not static. Things change as it is carried out through the journey. Sometimes, as it changes, the path and destination is affected making the trip difficult. The worst case scenario here is that the burden is not worth carrying anymore, which can be realized by the bearer him/herself or will be pointed out by others. At this point, the bearer fails. The self, burden and destination is conencted."

Bottomline:

When me and my ex decided to accept the burden of being in a relationship four years ago, we embarked on a journey with 'spending the rest of out lives togethe'r as the final destination. But things changed during the journey and we have to drop it. He did it but I didn’t.

The new status of my relationship with my ex was so sudden that I was hardly even prepared for the separation (though we are not formally bf/gf anymore). Since I am not prepared, I can't accept that I am officially single! The burden of the relationship too great that I have postponed some parts of my life to protect my destructed sense of self that has been connected to him.

It's all about dropping the old destination to continue life. It is really my choice on where to go.n_n. My next destination may not be as clear as before but I'm setting short term goals for the moment. As of now, my earliest goal is to finish my mini paper on Pagdadala, aja!

OR…

This could be hormonal. *sigh -_-

I'm hopeful though…n_n

Negativity...

Whitey. Photo by: KDA

minsan naiisip ko nakakainggit ang pusa... parang walan silang ibang concern kundi food, unlike satin, daming issues.


From time to time, I experience sadness, anxiety, regret, frustration, hurt, guilt, pain and any adjective that describes the feeling of being betrayed. I still cry, during the nights when I feel so alone and cheated, when sadness and emptiness creeps into the darkness as I lay awake. I also cry when I imagine our past, how happy and contented I was with him. Sometimes, I even want to go back in time and perhaps a decision could change the course of history. I also cry when my mind plays the game of anticipation if ever I would see him very happy and in-love with his new girl. But most of all, I cry when I remember how I believed and trusted him, when he broke my heart and was not sorry for doing so.

At this point, I ask, "why me?".There are so many girls out there who seemed to jump from one man to another but still being wanted? There are people whom are honestly loved but doesn’t give a damn. There are people who repel the affection of others. I have given my whole heart to a man that after just a few months of our break-up found another and lied to me about it. I have loved a man whom I accompanied during the lowest points of his life and then dumped me when things went his way. Some even remarked that it is possible that he just used me.

Well, sometimes I really need to cry, to feel the negativity and then react negatively to it. I cant always hide and fight the pain, I want to experience it. This is one of those times.

When will this all go away?

picture uli habang tumatakbo ang motor

yup, picture habang tumatakbo ang mutor.. wahahha.

The Encounter with MONSTER EX...Saturday, August 14, 2010 6:02 PM

What a beautiful day. I decided to go home to face my monster. The whole day passed and I finally saw him, walking to his Saturday church service. I was okay then anxiety crept, my mouth was dry, I was feeling cold and my heart beat faster. To add to my adversary, my cousin told me how they (he and his girlfriend) shared a van ride from Gabaldon to Cabanatuan just last July. To make things interesting, my cousin's boyfriend (which is his cousin too) shared that last December, he went to the family reunion with a girl (if it's the same girl, I don’t know).

Anyway, I comforted myself with my feel-good explanations but my emotion is overwhelming. There, I did it, I cried a little while reminiscing how I was betrayed and how he lied to me, and so on… and luckily, my "switch" turned-on and I started writing.

I know that my process of healing will not be easy. I still feel hurt but eventually thankful to be able to realize my place in this situation. Actually, the feelings are just remnants of betrayal and lies. Perhaps the main reason why I am like this right now is that he never admitted his mistakes, he never said sorry. He never apologized for making me hurt which I believed is just right.

At this point, what I have to admit is that some people will do you harm and will not be sorry for it. Some people may hurt you without knowing how much pain they have caused you. Some people will not be sensitive to your needs. Some people will not admit they have done wrong or caused you any pain. Some people are just mean. People do change, though, and sometimes, they change not for our benefit.

But despite everything, everyone has their own reasons why they do the things they do. We may not like it but they have reasons. One decision can make one person happy while the other cry. Life is really not all-well. And I am having a my fair share of life's complexity. I am also thankful that I have a natural optimistic outlook so despite the hurt I'm feeling, I am able to appreciate the pain.n_n

"I have forgiven you right now but I hope that one day, I may be able to say it with full conviction. I want you to be happy and in the process, heal myself as well. I am thankful for the experience and opportunity to grow because without this situation, I will not learn to be self-reliant. I have also discover the strong and resilient girl with-in me. You may not be destiny but definitely a part of my life. I will forgive but not forget. Someone is out there for me, it may not be you, may not be better than you, butiISfor me. I wish you all the happiness in life. Thank you."

Sunday and Monday...

I went to mass last Sunday and I think I forgot the time when I last attended a service. As expected, I just cried there, thinking how a church full of people can be a very peaceful place for a weary heart. I also appreciated that the songs in this parish are very familiar to me. I've been practically singing those praise songs since the day I could follow a melody.

The pain I am into is not really that obvious, they say that I was really amazing for enduring such emotional distress. Others would fret in this kind of threat but I was chewing my share. Resilience perhaps is a gift of mine that there seemed to be an automatic button that turns on when I feel down and frustrated. It was even remarked that I have been coping well cause despite everything, I can still function well. Of course, I am hurting, I cry from time to time, I have had regrets and frustrations. After that feeling, the switch will be on and I will start feeling relieved and positive again, letting me see the goodness of my experience. I'm just not sure if its okay to be this way but I think as long as it serves me well, it's okay.

But as soon as I entered the church, I started feeling helpless, just like a child would go to his father and crying and telling how a playmate made fun of her (or something). I just cried there, being helpless, enjoying Lord's attention, enjoying His soothing peacefulness. One doctor once said that after everything else is gone, people really resort to a higher power, being that comforts everything. He is my ultimate strength and I really believed that I am loved and cared for by Him in many many ways.

Just a while ago, my ex boyfriend texted me asked me how I was. It was really surreal because the timing. Then it was very unusual because at first, I was very anxious, then, it was relief. I realized that there is not monster anymore. There's nothing to be afraid of, nothing to be frustrated about. The man I fell in love is is no longer in him, he is just not he seemed to be, used to be. I just don’t see him as before and perhaps I was blinded by my love. Welcome to the real world. He is detached, emotionally blunt and shows no remorse on the things he did. Well, nice meeting you too, mister.

I think I can go home now. It’s the beginning of a new day and I am excited.

Some pictures at Baler..n_n

Baler, Aurora Friday, August 06, 2010 8:22 PM

I was in Baler, Aurora from August 2 to 5. We were there to attend/organize/facilitate a psychosocial response to disaster as part of the extension arm of our department. Our station, however, is the secretariat, so we facilitated the registration and documentation. I got my Canon A490 (thanks ma'am Liezl) for that purpose.

The participants were mainly government employees and NGOs who are concern with disaster response like DSWD, PDCC, MDCC, PNP, and others. The workshop is fun and informative. The speaker and trainer somehow brought the light in the participants to organize a psychosocial response team that will coordinate and move when disaster strikes. I met different people with first hand experience in disaster and you will see that they have a different light in their eyes, something that you don’t see everyday.

Another thing about this trip is the place. It is very peaceful; one place you should really go to when you want to relax and unwind. Geographically speaking, one would be afraid to live there once you realize how susceptible to different kinds of natural disaster Aurora is but the beauty of the place seemed to compensate it.

As estimated, it is 252 km from Manila and a 3-hour drive from San Jose. I believe I can ride Ganda to Baler but I have to make some adjustments. First, the tires. It should be suitable for rough roads. Disk breaks should also be installed. I doubt that a 100cc can make it but as we travel, I saw a man riding his Bajaj through the rough terrain so I figured out, maybe a Wave 100 can. But maybe for safety, I outta bring a 125 with disc breaks. PLUS, no riding alone…n_n (for the mean time)

I believe I will be back there. I will visit Baler once more.