Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Recollection

Makikita niyo sa mga posts ang ilang parts ng journal ko during my summer vacation. Lahat po ng may date at time, yun yung mga yun... unedited po kaya pasensya na...n_n

Friday, April 30, 2010 10:08 AM

Kinausap ko uli siya at sinabi ko na pinapawalan ko na siya. Sinabi ko rin na tutulungan ko na ang sarili ko para naman hindi siya mahirapan.

Kaya ko ito, very optimistic ako na makaka-move on ako. Masakit pero kakayanin naman. Tutal, magkaibigan naman kami, at kahit na alam kong hindi na niya ako mahal, okay lang dahil darating na din ako sa puntong ganoon pagdating ng panahon.

Hindi kami pwedeng magsama ng matagal kasi lumalalim yung usapan namin at nauuwi sa mga bagay na nauulit, tapos mag-aaway na naman kami. Kaya dapat alam ko kung hanggang saan lang ang pwede kong itanong at hindi itanong sa kaniya. Mahirap talaga pero ngayon mas malinaw na sakin kung ano ang mga gagawin ko. Medyo mahirap kasi hindi biro at mawawalan na talaga ng puwang ang mga bagy bagay na hindi importante sa ngayon.

Hindi ako nagagalit sa kaniya. Kaibigan ko siya. Sabi niya, kapag nakakarinig siya ng mga bali-balita, ginagawa niyang galit. Ayoko ng ganon, mabigat kasing dalhin ang galit eh, mabigat. Gusto kong magpatawad at magparaya. Gusto kong maging masaya.

Friday, April 30, 2010 10:08 AM

Kinausap ko uli siya at sinabi ko na pinapawalan ko na siya. Sinabi ko rin na tutulungan ko na ang sarili ko para naman hindi siya mahirapan.

Kaya ko ito, very optimistic ako na makaka-move on ako. Masakit pero kakayanin naman. Tutal, magkaibigan naman kami, at kahit na alam kong hindi na niya ako mahal, okay lang dahil darating na din ako sa puntong ganoon pagdating ng panahon.

Hindi kami pwedeng magsama ng matagal kasi lumalalim yung usapan namin at nauuwi sa mga bagay na nauulit, tapos mag-aaway na naman kami. Kaya dapat alam ko kung hanggang saan lang ang pwede kong itanong at hindi itanong sa kaniya. Mahirap talaga pero ngayon mas malinaw na sakin kung ano ang mga gagawin ko. Medyo mahirap kasi hindi biro at mawawalan na talaga ng puwang ang mga bagy bagay na hindi importante sa ngayon.

Hindi ako nagagalit sa kaniya. Kaibigan ko siya. Sabi niya, kapag nakakarinig siya ng mga bali-balita, ginagawa niyang galit. Ayoko ng ganon, mabigat kasing dalhin ang galit eh, mabigat. Gusto kong magpatawad at magparaya. Gusto kong maging masaya.

Thursday, April 29, 2010 12:08 PM

Nakakatakot kung lagi mong aniisip ang mga pwedeng mangyari. Just a while ago, naiisip ko paano kong haharapin if makitang kong happy na siya with a prettier woman. Maiinsecure ako, syempre. Natatakot ako na baka habang buhay ko nang dalhin itong sakin na ito. Pano kung isang araw nakita ko, sweet sweet pa nila? Ano gagawin ko? Iiyak na lang ba ako? Ang sakit sakit siguro…

Pero kung lagi lagi naman kasi nating iniisip yung future, baka praning na lahat. Siguro eto pinakamahirap na part sa moving -on: anticipation. Kung anu-ano kasi naiisip mo na pwedeng mangyari na hindi lang naman exclusive sa love life eh. Actually, sa lahat ng bagay pwede kang mag-anticipate eh: may trabaho pa kaya ako after a year, may bahay pa kaya kami, lulubog na ba ang gabaldon, global warming, plus 3 degrees, plus 30 ft. of sea level, magugunaw na ang mundo, masasagasaan ako mamaya, babangungutin ako mamayang gabi… ano ba pinagkaiba noon sa makikita ko si roy with his new gf? Same lang din yun.

Iniisip ko, bakit ba kasi big deal na big deal sakin ang break up na to? Dahil ako ang iniwanan? So what? Ok nag yun kasi at least hindi ko na kailanganga magconvert at icomlicate ang mga bagay bagay sa family ko. Pride? Ego? Biggest sin yan. Alam mo kung ano yung masakit? Nung sinabi niya na WALA NA, TAPOS NA, HULI NA ANG LAHAT, HINDI KA BA NAKAKAINTINDI? Wow, parang telenovela, ehehe. Tulunagn ko naman daw sarili ko kasi gusto din niyang mag-move on. Gusto lang niyang mapag-isa. Ako din, I think I need time for myself. Marami akong gustong gawin at pangarap na mas importante kesa sa pagmumukmok ko sa isang relasyon na wala na, patay na.

Thursday, April 29, 2010 6:56 AM

Yup, true, hes been trying to move on, at sabi nga niya, yun ang gusto niya. Pinapairapan ko siya by not helping myself move on too. Gusto din niyang magsimula. Kung masakit daw sakin, nasasaktan din siya. Well, maraming balita na may babae daw siya. Anyway, before nagka gf daw siya after naming magbreak. Tatlo, hahaha.

Nagising ako na nalulungkot. Siguro eto na ang simula ng depression na hinahanap hanap ko. Napanginipan ko pa nag siya eh. Well, at least malinaw na sakin na talagang wala na kaming pag-asa, nawalan na siya ng pagmamahal sa akin dahil sa mga nangyari. HHmmmm… bakit kaya ganun, may mga pagsubok na kung titignan ay dapat makakapagpalakas sa relasyon ng dalawang tao, but instead, yung isa lang ang lumakas, yung isa lang ang lalong nagmahal, yung isa lang ang tumibay, samantalang yung isa wala, nawala, nalunod.

Masakit na sa tagal tagal ng aming nilakbay ay ako lang ang nakaahon sa pampang, hindi ko na siya kasama. Ano ngayon ang gaggawin ko? Bababybayin ang ilog para hanapin siya? Nakaahon din siya pero sa ibang pampang na, at hahanap na siya ng kung sino man ang nanduduon para naman makasama niya sa sarili niyang paglalakbay. Ako, maghihintay ba ako at maiiwan sa pampang na dapat ay ahunan naming dalawa at tumangis na lang dahil hindi siya nakaahon? Matagal tagal na rin ako nandito sa lugar na ito, masakit ang mga alaala. Masakit talaga pero kailangan ko na yatang tumalikod at magsimulang lumakad mag-isa. Sa paglalakbay n aito, hindi naman talaga ako mag-isa, nariyan ang pamilya, ang kaibigan, mga kasama na handang umalalay. Hindi man sila nasa same context ng paglalakbay but nililingon-lingon nila ako, tinatawag twag para lumakad na. kailangan ko lang marealize na hindi ito byaheng mag-isa. Na in the first place hindi naman si Roy lang ang kasama ko, siya lang kasi ang lagi kong tinitignan, meron pa sa kaliwa, si Chel, sa harap, si Mama at Dade, sa likod, mga kaibigan. Marami, isa nga lang ang nalagas. Hindi naman ako mag-iisa. Meron pa sa taas.

Natutuwa lang ako dahil nagising akoing malungkot. Inaasahan ko ito matagal na at ngayon ko lang naranasan. Sana ay magtuloy-tuloy na tungo sa paglakad at pag-ahon. :)

Saturday, April 10, 2010 10:48 PM

" dito ka na umupo. Ang taba-taba mo na. Sa sususnod na kita natin at pumayat ka, ililibre kita ng pamasahe"
"Pwede ko bang kunin number mo? Smart ka ba?"
" Pinaramdam mo sakin yung pinaramdam sakin ni Eloisa, masakit"
"Mahal ko"
"Mahal na mahal din kita." Love you love you. Love me love me?"
"hinihintay nga kitang mauntog eh. Baka kasi nabibigla ka lang"
:tinitignan ko yung picture mo, may inahin na ako"
"Bakit ba kasi binibilang mo, para kasing matatapos eh"
"Mahal ko, sorry na. Hindi na kita uli bibiruin ng ganun"
"Tigre si sir eh. Hindi niya kasi naranasang maging teacher si sir"
"Hinding hindi tayo maghihiwalay"
"Maka-graduate lang ako pakakasalan kita. Relax ka lang jan"
"Hindi kita ititira kay mame."
"pakakasalan kita sa lahat ng kapilya"
"Hala mahal ko, namiss kita"
"nung time na yun hirap na hirap akong naghahanap ng bulaklak mo tapos ang iniisip mo pala eh i-break na ako"
"wag mong tanungin sakin yan, baka hindi mo magustuhan yung sagot ko"
"siguro makita pa lang kita tatakbo na ako palapit sayo"
"ewan ko"
"hindi ko pa iniisip yan. Marami pa akong gustong gawin"
"binata naman ako ah"
"bakit sakin mo sinasabi yan"
"nakakabigat ka sakin"

Saturday, April 10, 2010 10:29 PM

Last Thursday, April 6, 2010, Roy and I finally made our break-up official. At first, I think I can handle it perfectly since I think I have been expecting this to happen anyway. But as days pass realizing that he is not "mine" (sort-off) anymore is a little strange, alien at some point.

Yes, I am hurting deep inside. Others are constantly telling me that its for the best because lots of the features in our relationship are not compatible in the first place(e.g.. Religion). They say that he is not worth it, that I am pretty (?), young and with many opportunities; that I can still find love with other guys. But honestly, its not helping a bit. I just cant help but feel sorry for myself, asking questions, blaming my personality for screwing my love. Perhaps I deserve this. I admit that I am not a good girlfriend, there are times that I think I am really hard on him, giving him pressures on our relationships. I guess its too late to repair things of all the things said and done. What hurt most is the idea that he is happier now that I am gone.

"Ano ba ang lagay ng relasyon natin??"

"ewan ko, hindi ko alam"

"eh kasi ang labo-labo eh. Gusto ko lang na maayos na'tp kung maaayos pa."

Nagpalakad-lakad pabalik-balik. Naiiyak na ako

"ano bang gusto mong malaman?"

"mahal mo pa ba ako?"

"syempre. Hindi naman na mawawala yun."

Ngumiti ako. Relieved.

"pero wag ka sanang magagalit-"

Kinabahan ako

"kasi nitong nakaraang mga buwan, grabe yung pinagdaanan ko. Sumuot ako sa butas ng aspili-"

Aspili, baka karayom?

"aspili, hindi karayom ha. Walang nang butas yon pero ganun yung pinagdaanan ko para lang maka-graduate. Napakarami kong naging problema'

"pero ngayon, ayan, ga-graduate ka na"

"oo, pero ang hirap ng pinagdaanan ko. Siguro kung hindi -----"

Hindi ko na matandaan itong part na ito

"Hindi naman sa binabalewala kita pero, siguro, sabihin na nating makasarili ako pero gusto ko yata munang sarili ko muna ang intindihin ko. Yung wala akong ibang pinoproblema kundi yung sarili ko"

"naiintindihan kita. So ano, maghihiwalay na ba tayo?"

"kung ako lang, mas gusto ko yung ganito"

"so break na nga tayo?"

Hindi ko na matandaan pero feeling ko manhid ako nung time na yun. Para ngang tanggap na tanggap ko nung gabi na yun eh. Hindi ko na mahanap yung pakiramdam ko nung gabi na yun kasi ngayon ko palang nararamdaman na ang sakit sakit pala. Kung ngayon ko nararamdaman yung nararamdamn ko nung gaboi na yun, hidni siguro ako pumayag na maghiwalay kami. Umiyak siguro ako ng sobra sobra, humagulgol, nagmakaawa, nagalit, lahat lahat na.

Sunday, January 10, 2010 7:47 PM

My relationship with him has grown from bad to worse. He gave me today's date as a deadline on his verdict regarding the state of our affair. I waited anxiously for January 10 to come and now I am here. No messages, no phone call, no visit. What is that suppose to mean? Earlier, I learned that his grandfather was taken to the community hospital and his mother is selling "things" just to get by perhaps. I think its ok if he'll miss his verdict regarding our relationship. Like what he used to say, he is very confused right now thinking about many things (I don’t know if I am included). Hmmmm… I am hurt and anxious. Both of my celphones are beside me now, hoping it will beep delivering a message from an unknown number. I don’t know but I am waiting. I am constantly feeling inadequate because of his absence. I guess I have to expect the worst right now: no message from him will come tonight or tomorrow night or any other night for the rest of the week, month/s…years….OH BULLSHIT!

Pagkukumpara

Dala ng katatapos kong karansan at habang naiisip ko ang bagong kasintahan ng aking ex-boyriend, hindi ko mapigil ang magkumpara at magtanong. Mas maganda ba siya sa akin? (yata). Siguradong mas payat naman sakin. Mas matangkad sakin. Mas makinis sa akin. Mas maganda ang buhok sakin. Mas mabait kaya siya?(may bait nga ba ako? Ehehe) Mas masarap ba siyang kausap? Mas maalaga kaya? Mas malambing? At kung anu-anong pagkukumpara hanggang sa mapraning na ako. Habang pinahihirapan ko ang sarili ko sa pag-iisip ng mga ito, biglang naitanung ko kung kailangan nga ba ng pagkukumpara.

Naniniwala ako na ang bawat bagay sa ating buhay ay may kani-kaniyang halaga batay sa ating pagkakasubok sa mga ito. Naniniwala din ako na hinding hindi magiging parehas ang pagtingin ng dalawang tao ukol sa isang bagay o sitwasyon. Subjectivity, eka nga. Ang isang bagay na maganda at maayos sa paningin ko ay maaaring panget at masagwa sa paningin ng iba. Ang aking batayan ng kagandahan ay maaaring hindi batayan ng iba.

Dahil sa pagtanggap ko sa panilawanag na ang lahat ng bagay, sitwasyon o tao ay may kani-kaniyang katangian, ibinababa ko na ang sukdulang pagkukumpara ko sa sarili ko at sa bagong girlfriend ng ex ko. Syempre masakit na makikita mong physically, mas maganda siya sayo at wala naman akong ibang mailaban kundi ang ilang bagay na nakamit na palagay ko ay wala siya. Pero kung hanggang dito na lang ang magiging pagtingin ko sa sitwasyon, hindi nga ako makakaalis sa insecurity na sa tingin ko ay hindi nakakatulong sa pagbangon mula sa karanasang ito. Oo, sabihin na nating pwedeng niloko niya ako o nagsinungaling siya sa akin na ah, baka kaya niya ako pinagpalit dito ay mas maganda at mas sexy (malusog po ako, ehehhe), hidni ko rin tinatanggal na may mga bagay na ako ang nagdulot kung bakit nabaling ang pagtingin niya mula sa akin patungo sa babaeng iyon. Kung ano man iyon, tanungin po natin ang ex ko pero ayaw ko nang magbigay ng kahulugan.

Bilang may panimula sa pag-aaral ukol sa pag-uugali, kilos at pag-iisip ng tao, mayroon akong tendency na talagang magbigya ng interpretasyon sa mga bagay bagay sa paligid ko. Pati mga aksyon at ginagawa nila ay napupuna ko. Sa puntong ito, ayaw ko. Pinahihirapan ko ang sarili ko sa mga bagay na hindi ko alam. Tapos na kami, ex na ako at naniniwala ako na darating ang para sa akin. Gusto kong tanggapin ang karansang ito bilang sa kung ano ito. Nais kong tanggapin na wala na kami at sa ngayon, ayaw kong isipin ang kung ano mang pag-asa para sa aming dalawa. Pagod na ako sa kaniya at marami pa akong dapat isaalang-alang na mas mahalaga.

Sigurado ako na mayroon akong mga katangian an higit sa kaniya at mayroon din siyang higit sa akin depende sa kung anong panukat ka sisilip. Sa kabila ng lahat, isa lamang ang sinisiguro ko, ano man ang mangyari, hinding hindi ko mamaliitin ang sarili ko dahil sa pangyayaring ito. Hinding hindi ko titingnan ang sarili ko bilang may kakulangan dahil lamang sa ginawa niya. Hinding hindi ako manliliit sa harap nilang dalawa kundi dapat pa nga akong maging higit na masaya kung masaya sila. Unfair naman kung nagmumukmok ka tapos sila hindi, di ba? Sabi nga ng t-shirt “THINK ABOUT YOURSELF FOR A CHANGE”.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Isang Paghinga

I was inspired to blog my not-so-happy relationship with my ex. This can be an eye opener for girls out there to constantly smell that treasured cheese of yours (Who Moved my Cheese?). Please note that the events and opinions expressed here were based on my own point of view and memory.

It started with a strong physical attraction on my part as I sat beside him during an early morning van ride from Gabaldon to Cabanatuan. Normally, I would take the Sunday ride back to my school but that day was different. Suddenly I decided to have an early morning trip because of a symposium. On his part, he was actually late for the first trip so he settled for the next van to go. Talk about fate.

“Oh, dito ka na umupo. Ang taba-taba mo naman na. Sa susunod na magkita tayo at pumayat ka na, ililibre kita.”

He was a former classmate from my elementary years and was a schoolmate at the local high school.

That’s what he said as I settle on the seat beside him. I was kinda happy to be next to him because of the attraction I was feeling. I felt giddy. I even imagined having him as a boyfriend already (hahaha, assuming). We had a chat about our elementary life and how our fathers are actually best of friends! (no kidding). Secretly , I was asking for a sign, that if he’ll ask my number, he’ll be my boyfriend. And he did!

We parted in Cabanatuan City because he was then a freshman taking up BS Criminology while I was in my junior year. I already declared I found my new boyfriend and as expected, we became officially “mag-on” on the night of September 10, 2006 (thru text, ehehhe). Our first date was a week after in my school and we were happy.

When I told Mama that he was courting me, she showed sign of disapproval at first but I justified my decision to accept him on the grounds that I am a Psych student, and a psych major should be able to understand other people better. Likewise, Dade also disapproved because of his high school background (which he first handedly witnessed) but it didn’t matter to me. I was actually proud to announce that he was my boyfriend.

Months passed and bit by bit, we discovered each other’s personality. Our first year as a couple was the sweetest. He never failed to amuse me with his behavior. Everything about him seemed to be the characteristic of my ideal man, except for one thing: religion. At first, we thought we should try to understand each other’s conflicting view on the nature of God, heavens, etc. But nothing was resolved because both of us are deeply rooted in our own beliefs. But no one wanted to give way. I decided I should be the one to change religions but it didn’t really look like a serious decision at that time. It’s hard to give up matters of spirituality especially if that religion is also the center of your family’s relationship.

My undergraduate thesis had a huge impact on how I see life. My study talked about depressed women having hard times because they did not enjoyed their single life. I suddenly felt the need to break-up with him. He was at the end of his sophomore year when I started contemplating about the “cool-off” thing. There was this feeling of being stuck with him and since I was about to graduate, I felt that there were many things I should do first and that I was better off without him. But concerned people especially my Mama said that I should take it easy. “Hayaan mo lang na nandiyan siya…”

I graduated and had a call for an office job at Cabanatuan City which I readily accepted because of the thought of being closer to him. Those were the most intimate moments of our relationship. But after three months, I resigned and accepted a job offer in Manila which parted me from him and my family. It lasted for a month but I was almost always travelling back to Cabanatuan just to see him (see how love sick I was?).

Then I accepted a job at Nueva Ecija and we were still happy. In fact, because of the position I was given in the university, we were already planning our future together. We were already exploring the possibilities of where he’ll be assigned if ever he’ll be an officer, where we will be building our house and so on. It seemed all happily ever after. And I was only 21.

Our 3rd year together was approaching and a strain started to come into our relationship. He was taking his senior year and schedules for duty were hectic. He was the kind of boyfriend who would readily give his attention thus making me feel so important. At one point, I actually believed that I was the most important part of his life and I was very confident about it. But perhaps the pressure to graduate and physical exhaustion on his part changed his reaction to my “addiction”. I was puzzled why he started to get mad at me unlike before. Because of that, I even increased my tantrums only to seek more attention which made him even more frustrated because of my reactions.

Suddenly, something changed. One day, just I felt something was different, so I asked him. He felt the same and the question of religion resurfaced. He said that if I will not convert to his religion, we should just call it off. I agreed thinking that we should end it before it was too painful to break away from the relationship. The break-up was so tiring and we were both crying. But then, somehow I knew his reactions are quite not the same as before.

The first weeks were filled with him calling me telling me that he cannot let go of me just yet and he’s doing this so I will have no suitors yet. Then, less and less text messages and calls came until none. I started to be frustrated and worried. At that time, I was letting my parents know that I will convert to his religion but it doesn’t mean that I will renounce my religion. I’ll just convert for him.

Bottom line: I want us to get back together. I started visiting him at his dorm frequently but he seemed relieved without me. I was hurt and I would cry and he don’t want me crying so I learned not to cry in front of him. Little by little, he drifted away, like a ghost. The guy I knew seemed like a dream… as if not even alive in that body. He said that he is in tough times that I should just leave him be then we’ll sort things out after his duty. His duty ended and I was waiting, he said after his thesis, then there was death in the family, then the manuscript: still nothing from him.

It was early April and I still don’t know if he’ll be graduating. I heard from a friend and I went to him asking what happened. He said that he’s happy without me but that doesn’t mean that he don’t care for me. “Nakakabigat ka kasi sakin. ANg dami kong pinagdaanan na kung kasama kita, baka hindi ko nakaya.”

It was a blow, and I decided to leave him be. There are rumors that he has a girlfriend who visits him at his house and it just devastates me. I remember, sometime on February when his grandfather died, I went to the wake and he introduced me as his girlfriend to his relatives. The next night, I went again and he’s not there. Luckily, I have ___, one of his buddies also waiting for him. From 9:00 pm to 1:00 am we waited and he did not showed. ___ told me to let him go because of the things happening to me. It’s just wasn’t worth it. But when I asked him about that incident, he just said that he’s in the neighbor with his drinking pals. Some friends and neighbors said that he has a girl that night and he hides her from me. But since I know he is not capable of doing that kind of deception to me, I refused to believe.

Middle of April, we had a huge confrontation that mimics a scene from a drama series (really!) we were shouting, crying and telling each other how frustrated we are. Then I realized he has fallen out of love, so I said I will let him go. No matter what I do, it’s just not enough for him to take me back. It’s time to move on so I bade him good bye. However, we assured each other that we would still be friends. He even assured me that if ever he’ll have someone new, I’ll be informed. On the contrary, he doesn’t want to know if ever I’ll be dating other guys.

Early May, I was starting to feel okay without him. I just don’t want to be depressed. Then he started texting again asking me how I am, inquiring about my whereabouts: practically just nosing around my life again. I resisted at first but I can’t deny my heart’s desire to be reunited with him. Although I feel safer to be being with him, I maintained a distance emotionally (so I thought) by not talking about getting back with him but instead just being with him. I am happy and I think he’s enjoying my company as well. It’s like the old days but without the endearment, “I love yous” and “I miss yous” . He asked another time off from our shared time together because he has to review for his up-coming board exam on August. It fine with me. He even said that we can do whatever we want (going for a joy ride at Pantabangan, watching movies, ect. ) after the board exam. He even set our next date on August, before the exam as a lucky charm for the test. It’s sweet. I can’t deny my heart is leaping with the thought of getting back together after the exams.

Fateful day of June 27, 2010: Rosalyn and Ely’s wedding day. I went home to attend the occasion. Past 1:00 pm, my friend Majo, has to return home for a trip so I went with her because my motorcycle was parked at their yard. Before going back to the wedding, I decided I should pay him a visit and I turned towards his house. As I approach his house, I noticed that the door is open. “Ayos, may tao”. I parked, and went up the house. I was surprised to see his mother but since I’m familiar to the family, I’m comfortable. I made “mano” and she noticed my cold hands.

“Bakit ka nandito?”

“Napadaan lang po ako kasi kinasal po yung kabarkada ko eh naghatid po ako jan sa kanto kaya dumaan na po ako dito”

I saw a girl sitting not a far, holding Roy’s phone playing Nature’s Park (the sound…ehehe).

“Oh, bakit pumunta ka”

“Oh? Di ka nagtetetext. Hindi mo sinasagot yung tawag ko”

Then he pointed the girl.

“Nga pala, girlfriend ko”

I froze. “Eh? Hindi nga?”

“Oo nga.” Then he removed the ganging towel covering my view towards the girl.

“Oh, hi…” I said cheerfully. She just gave me a damp smile and continued her game. At first I thought it was a joke but he’s not. Roy looks nervous and I was losing my head. (just typing this part makes me feel cold and shake at the same time).

I think she’s taller than me, plain, simple, slim (the normal body) and straight hair. I can’t remember her face but I think she’s pretty.

“ah, pwede bang dun tayo sa baba?” I asked Roy.

“girlfriend mo ba talaga yun?”

“oo nga”

I shake. My heart is racing. I don’t know what to do.

“mahal mo ba siya?”

“oo naman/syempre naman mahal ko yun”

“shit”

I want to cry. Still shaking and palpitating.

“taga saan yun”

“dun”

“ganu na kayo katagal”

“nun”

(sorry, I can’t make out this part. It’s a problem with emotional memory, it gets altered easily especially if its emotionally relevant)

“hala, niloko mo ako”

He made his “ayan-ka –na-naman” gesture and like an obedient pet, I stopped. To the last point, I was under his power.

Then I excused myself and drove home…

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Sa simula...

Yup, yup, yup, I'm a probinsyana, from the lush green municipality of Gabaldon, Nueva Ecija. Ipinanganak sa municipal medicare, at nagka-isip sa SEAC Compund. Dati siyang Sabani Estate Agricultural College pero NEUST-Gabaldon na ngayon. Well, sabi nga nila, if naghahanap ka ng trabaho, mas sosyal kung NEUST ang dala mo instead of SEAC di ba? (Magre-react sila ng "where the hell is that?").

Anyway, I spent much of my childhood days roaming the campus with my friends Jerwin and Christian. Jerwin is now a registered nurse serving as volunteer at the community hospital while Christian is a registered teacher. Mas malapit ang bahay nila Jerwin sa akin kaya umaga pa lang, nasa bahay na nila ako. Ako, registered citizen? ehehhe.

Jerwin is a typical industrious son who wakes up early to clean the pig pen so he can play afterwards. Nakatalungko ako sa gilid ng kulungan ng baboy habang nililinis niya yon. Ehem, mayaman sa tubig ang Gabaldon at tumutuloy sa sapa sa likod-bahay ang poo-poo ng baboy.

Si Christian naman ay ang bunso na love na love ng parents. Siya yung batang laging malinis at mabango. Siya rin ang may pinakamaraming laruan (kahon kahon). Kapag pumupunta kami sa bahay nila hindi kami magkamayaw sa pagpili ng mga baril (hahaha, I always get the big ones that makes sound when you pull the trigger). Pero hindi lagi present si Christian kaya kapag wala siya, dalawa na lang kami ni Jerwin at nagta-tiyaga kami sa mga sanga ng kahoy na hugis baril.

During the holidays, medyo mas malaki ang grupo. Kasama ni Jerwin ang kaniyang mga kapatid (si Ate Gleng, Kuya Jeff, Om-Om) and I have my older sister, Acel. Nalilibot namin ang buong campus para sa mga laro. Magkakasama din kami twing picnics and occasions. Kapag malapit na ang pasukan, sama-sama din kaming nagco-cover ng mga notebooks.

Na-experience ko din before na magtinda ng mangga na may alamang sa mga students during summer orientations for incoming freshmen high school. Kaso nalulugi ako dahgil madami akong maglagay ng alamang.

One day, Jerwin and I decided to collect tadpoles (butete). Marami kasing fish pond sa tapat ng bahay namin dahil agricultural college nga eh. Kung bakit ang cute cute sa paniongin ng isang bata ang itim at matatabang butete na lumalangoy sa mababaw na parte ng fish pond. Dumukwang siya at nakakuha ng ilan, sumunod ako, then nag-eenjoy na kami. Nagkami ako ng tapak sa bato at gumulong ako sa fish pond at nakilangoy na rin sa mga buteteng nandoon. Syempre, pinagalitan ako ni Dade. Suot ko pa naman nun yung bestida kong cute na pina-masko ko the year before.

Madami akong bukol at gasgas na nakuha nung bata pa ako. Until now, I can still recall the vivid colors of my surroundings. Sana lahat ng tao maganda ang childhood memories at nasulit ang pagkabata.

That's only a fraction of my cute childhood. I'll be posting again soon.