Scratching Old wounds Thursday, September 01, 2011 3:40 AM

Its so damn cold and I can't seem to get back to sleep so I have to do something about it. Never thought I would write about my ex in these days but some "garamugam moves" (learned this word yesterday) of mine are paying off.

Recently, I have been bothered again by the his memories. This may be due to the fact that my partner in "garamugam moves" has been in Dumaguete for a week now, and communication is really minimal (he has not been texting). I really don’t want to bother him because his primal concern right now is his thesis. He has been my savior from loneliness for months but I have to fend off for my own now. Its really scary, I tell you.

Maybe I was avoiding memories too long that I have forgotten really to deal with them. I have been ignoring my ex's possible connections at FB. We have never talked since May and I have never seen him since, well, I don’t know. So, very brave of me, I started viewing his pictures again, including his gf's. I relished those smiles and facial features, trying to bring back whatever lying dormant in me. Then, I connected with his sister, whom, for the period of our relationship has grown close to me.

Our little chit-chat became a call when I got her number. We talked about our lives after the break-up. We talked about how she thinks I really should move-on because her brother is really happy with his current relationship. Apparently, she converted to his religion and that, I think, has ascended the relationship into the next level. She is really serious in keeping him that she took the leap that I did not take. Lucky her because she can get to keep the man I could not.

I also learned that she has no work at the moment but is planning to fly abroad soon (only waiting for her plane ticket). They will marry maybe after a few years of saving or whatever (I really shouldn't care). Then it hit me, the pain of being alone again… I don’t know if I still love him but I still hold to the fact that I don’t want to be with him.

I was so distraught after the phone call that I never managed to go to class (I applied for a sick leave). I told my chair that I am not okay, which is very true. How can I teach if I am crying. This journal entry is an attempt to console myself by creating structure of what I feel right now.

I even gave her(gf) a message because I really don’t know how to feel okay. I just messaged her about my ordeal with him and other stuffs a current gf would want to know about the past relationship. I said sorry but I also said I must heal. Up to now, I really don't know if I should have done what I did but I think making that connection with her is my way of closure that my ex have not given me. Maybe I wanted her to console me in my ex's behalf by eliciting empathy from her side. I wish it will not create any problem or strain in their relationship but if ever it should, that's another hurdle they should overcome. In some sense, I am her ghost as she is mine.

I am better off this way, because I am not sure if I really could be happy in such a restrained environment, I mean, he has put up conditions that I couldn’t meet, so I have been chosen off. I felt bad for not meeting those criteria that I have been depressed over him, trying to beg him back. Along came a girl who met them but still, I was not giving up. It's like applying for a position already occupied, just being determined if you could get it, one way or another.

I think I am too much of a woman for a guy like him, and being less than what I am or should be, is not a better choice either. I should grow up and in doing so, leave all of my experiences with him behind. The memories and dreams we have shared long ago are no longer applicable to who I am right now. I cannot hold back my own growth just to suit his needs, its just not who I am. More so, I should acknowledge this turn in my life, that I am moving away from what I used to be…. And what I used to be is tied to him and his memories, all promising a secured life. That promise is not mine now, it belongs to another girl who had met his criteria. Obviously, I am holding back because of my stupid neuroticism.

Am I afraid that no other man could want me? Well, yes, because up to now, I have not met another who wanted me as bad as I wanted him (oops, this is another on-going story).

Maybe I just don’t know how to give up. I don’t know why I'm still doing this. Maybe I just don’t want to deal with the fact that I have lost this battle, that another has taken my place. I just don’t met the criteria and the judging was over, so, I should move-on… It's pretty stupid and annoying to stay, really. People are already frustrated about it, I am too, believe me. So what should I do?

1. Live my life normally. No FB spying, no special treatment or connection with his family and or trying to talk to him. I really should let this one go. It’s a heavy drag.
2. Learn to manage my emotions better. This has been my issue for so long now that my only outlet is being depressed (so pathetic). I believe I am very vulnerable and just like what my mom says, I should master this weakness.

I did wrote earlier that I messaged his gf, and at the last part of the note is a "sorry" because I have to contact her. We have nothing to talk about, right? Yeah…I'll not expect any reply from her but I'll accept whatever happens. But when I told her I wish them both happiness, I really meant it… not a trace of bitterness but a road to peace and redemption.

Hopefully, this is it… It's time to pack my bags and move-on for goo

Strangers

I have been examining my blog and this is obviously a "shrine" for my ex (if only he could appreciate these things, or at least his new gf would discover). Anyway, we had a little chit-chat last weekend and it's still the same story. He is kinda hostile but I was surprised with my reaction:blunt.

To start, my friend told me that he was asking for my number. I was curious and thought that maybe, just maybe he wanted me back. Then I remember that he wanted me to help him in his "neuro" exam. The next day, I saw him and I still find him physically appealing. Later that night, I saw his brother who (without any hesitation) asked me to pay him a visit (my ex) a visit. It turned out that he flanked his exam and wanted to verify few things from me so he would know next time.

I was there, listening to his pathetic story why his seemingly perfect answers created an emotionally unstable profile. Then I realized I don't have the same feelings anymore. It was not him, and it was not me. We were strangers... As he whines, I've been marking his words as the things I felt when he left me... my heart secretly smiled at his expense. I know it's wrong, it's evil, but somehow, I think a fraction of my disappointments and frustrations on him about our relationship was transferred to him. Now you know a little negative feeling...

Something for February

February is hell for single people. Everything is a constant reminder about singleness and it sucks, really. It's been a while since I felt really excited about the "heart's day", wondering what surprise your going to get from your boyfriend. It is also the time when you prepare what to give him. This is actually not my first valentines day alone, its my second. Why do we fuss about valentines day after all?

I remember Jessica Zafra's idea about valentine's day. According to her, this is actually the time when guys are expected to bring gifts and flowers to their girlfriends so they would not complain for the whole year if they would not receive any. It was cute. Why do we really want to feel special, why do we want to receive gifts?

Nah, in the end, its all about being special. I don’t know but a bf/gf relationship is really special that it’s the most famous narrative when it comes to living life. Love stories and love songs are popular because people believe in love. Even the most popular conception of love is not the religious love nor the parental love but the romantic love that we see.

Well, I have survived before, I think I can survive again.n_n.

23 na!

Same time last year, I was hoping for a greeting that did not come. He left and broke my heart. Now, I can't even remember my feelings for him though I can recall how I stayed and hoped that everything will be fixed. Sigh*

Anyway, 2010 has been though and I've been expecting a tougher 2011. Well, like the famous beer commercial: when the going gets tough, the tough gets going. I only pray that the Lord find we worthy to be granted another year, another chance to explore and share. I can even see the new hurdles from here. So, what are my plans?

Career. Gotta go to a graduate school asap. Yes, I am pressured and its really inconvenient but this is also my obligation given my profession. My hesitations are of financial matters and specialization. I'm giving it a shot.

Lovelife. I'm not looking but will accept suitor. I'm beginning to loose the anxiety of not having a date during lanterns and valentines. Somehow, I found things beyond intimate relationships. I enjoy teasing and missing Orange (because I think I am seriously in-love with him).

Career. Yep, things are rough. This is the time of testing and taking things into a different level. I hope to enter graduate school next year and physical, mental, psychological and financial strains are expected.

Faith. I have ideas of exploring other faith which does not reflect my dissatisfaction with my current religious affiliation. Orange belongs into a different sect so I was hoping he could share his belief with me (well, some of them are really alike).

Family. I don’t know how to help them because of my current position.

And there were stories...

Because of a friend's wedding, everyone was reminded of their singlehood. I really can't believe that our group is a little unlucky when it comes to the matters of heart. Each has their own individual burdens.n_n

Where were we?

What a journey!

A new year has come and I am looking forward in setting things in their proper places. I'm not sure if I started my year right but I have reconciled with my ex about the things that we should have talked about more that a year ago. I'm not looking forward on being with him but I had my stupid little hopes which is not good for me. He has his girlfriend right now and I really think he's happy with her. The feeling of being cheated is still there but not as strong as before because my optimism is automatically highlighting the benefits of us separated than the feeling of me longing for him. In addition, I have also seen her picture in FB and its alright to put a face on the girl that has been my ghost for several months now.

*sigh

I have to do that because I am writing with a heavy heart. The feeling of lost and hurt came over as I unload the things that I already put in the box labeled " MY EX". I've been living in peace since I put that box away but being acquainted with him again and hearing the things he said (and thinking about them all the time) is like scratching a newly closed wound and it hurts like hell. Come to think of it, when I was young, my elders would caution me to rest after the actual recovery from a fever because the "binat" is worst than the fever. I'm not as depressed as before but I am not okay. Hormone fluctuation are also considered.

I should really convince myself of what is obvious: HE'S MOVED ON. I have, but seems to be side tracked for the moment. I have been here, its very familiar and I have won before. Still happy to be back.n_n

Bravery or Stupidity

Its amazing how much you could discover as soon as you take the leap. I discovered how brave I was, and stupid. Then I realized that bravery and stupidity is somehow quite similar. You're brave when you charge even if the outcome is uncertain. You're brave when you take chances. Your brave when you move even if you're unsure. But those things can also be the definitions and characteristics of being stupid.

So, when do you call it bravery and stupidity?

Honestly, I don’t know. All I know is that I act when I feel like it. If I feel and know it is right, I go for it. I like taking chances and leaping into the unknown. I am adventurous. However, the downfall is that I am impulsive. I follow my urges.

But that is my definition of being free. Just living life.


I am free.