Scratching Old wounds Thursday, September 01, 2011 3:40 AM

Its so damn cold and I can't seem to get back to sleep so I have to do something about it. Never thought I would write about my ex in these days but some "garamugam moves" (learned this word yesterday) of mine are paying off.

Recently, I have been bothered again by the his memories. This may be due to the fact that my partner in "garamugam moves" has been in Dumaguete for a week now, and communication is really minimal (he has not been texting). I really don’t want to bother him because his primal concern right now is his thesis. He has been my savior from loneliness for months but I have to fend off for my own now. Its really scary, I tell you.

Maybe I was avoiding memories too long that I have forgotten really to deal with them. I have been ignoring my ex's possible connections at FB. We have never talked since May and I have never seen him since, well, I don’t know. So, very brave of me, I started viewing his pictures again, including his gf's. I relished those smiles and facial features, trying to bring back whatever lying dormant in me. Then, I connected with his sister, whom, for the period of our relationship has grown close to me.

Our little chit-chat became a call when I got her number. We talked about our lives after the break-up. We talked about how she thinks I really should move-on because her brother is really happy with his current relationship. Apparently, she converted to his religion and that, I think, has ascended the relationship into the next level. She is really serious in keeping him that she took the leap that I did not take. Lucky her because she can get to keep the man I could not.

I also learned that she has no work at the moment but is planning to fly abroad soon (only waiting for her plane ticket). They will marry maybe after a few years of saving or whatever (I really shouldn't care). Then it hit me, the pain of being alone again… I don’t know if I still love him but I still hold to the fact that I don’t want to be with him.

I was so distraught after the phone call that I never managed to go to class (I applied for a sick leave). I told my chair that I am not okay, which is very true. How can I teach if I am crying. This journal entry is an attempt to console myself by creating structure of what I feel right now.

I even gave her(gf) a message because I really don’t know how to feel okay. I just messaged her about my ordeal with him and other stuffs a current gf would want to know about the past relationship. I said sorry but I also said I must heal. Up to now, I really don't know if I should have done what I did but I think making that connection with her is my way of closure that my ex have not given me. Maybe I wanted her to console me in my ex's behalf by eliciting empathy from her side. I wish it will not create any problem or strain in their relationship but if ever it should, that's another hurdle they should overcome. In some sense, I am her ghost as she is mine.

I am better off this way, because I am not sure if I really could be happy in such a restrained environment, I mean, he has put up conditions that I couldn’t meet, so I have been chosen off. I felt bad for not meeting those criteria that I have been depressed over him, trying to beg him back. Along came a girl who met them but still, I was not giving up. It's like applying for a position already occupied, just being determined if you could get it, one way or another.

I think I am too much of a woman for a guy like him, and being less than what I am or should be, is not a better choice either. I should grow up and in doing so, leave all of my experiences with him behind. The memories and dreams we have shared long ago are no longer applicable to who I am right now. I cannot hold back my own growth just to suit his needs, its just not who I am. More so, I should acknowledge this turn in my life, that I am moving away from what I used to be…. And what I used to be is tied to him and his memories, all promising a secured life. That promise is not mine now, it belongs to another girl who had met his criteria. Obviously, I am holding back because of my stupid neuroticism.

Am I afraid that no other man could want me? Well, yes, because up to now, I have not met another who wanted me as bad as I wanted him (oops, this is another on-going story).

Maybe I just don’t know how to give up. I don’t know why I'm still doing this. Maybe I just don’t want to deal with the fact that I have lost this battle, that another has taken my place. I just don’t met the criteria and the judging was over, so, I should move-on… It's pretty stupid and annoying to stay, really. People are already frustrated about it, I am too, believe me. So what should I do?

1. Live my life normally. No FB spying, no special treatment or connection with his family and or trying to talk to him. I really should let this one go. It’s a heavy drag.
2. Learn to manage my emotions better. This has been my issue for so long now that my only outlet is being depressed (so pathetic). I believe I am very vulnerable and just like what my mom says, I should master this weakness.

I did wrote earlier that I messaged his gf, and at the last part of the note is a "sorry" because I have to contact her. We have nothing to talk about, right? Yeah…I'll not expect any reply from her but I'll accept whatever happens. But when I told her I wish them both happiness, I really meant it… not a trace of bitterness but a road to peace and redemption.

Hopefully, this is it… It's time to pack my bags and move-on for goo

Negativity...

Whitey. Photo by: KDA

minsan naiisip ko nakakainggit ang pusa... parang walan silang ibang concern kundi food, unlike satin, daming issues.


From time to time, I experience sadness, anxiety, regret, frustration, hurt, guilt, pain and any adjective that describes the feeling of being betrayed. I still cry, during the nights when I feel so alone and cheated, when sadness and emptiness creeps into the darkness as I lay awake. I also cry when I imagine our past, how happy and contented I was with him. Sometimes, I even want to go back in time and perhaps a decision could change the course of history. I also cry when my mind plays the game of anticipation if ever I would see him very happy and in-love with his new girl. But most of all, I cry when I remember how I believed and trusted him, when he broke my heart and was not sorry for doing so.

At this point, I ask, "why me?".There are so many girls out there who seemed to jump from one man to another but still being wanted? There are people whom are honestly loved but doesn’t give a damn. There are people who repel the affection of others. I have given my whole heart to a man that after just a few months of our break-up found another and lied to me about it. I have loved a man whom I accompanied during the lowest points of his life and then dumped me when things went his way. Some even remarked that it is possible that he just used me.

Well, sometimes I really need to cry, to feel the negativity and then react negatively to it. I cant always hide and fight the pain, I want to experience it. This is one of those times.

When will this all go away?

The Encounter with MONSTER EX...Saturday, August 14, 2010 6:02 PM

What a beautiful day. I decided to go home to face my monster. The whole day passed and I finally saw him, walking to his Saturday church service. I was okay then anxiety crept, my mouth was dry, I was feeling cold and my heart beat faster. To add to my adversary, my cousin told me how they (he and his girlfriend) shared a van ride from Gabaldon to Cabanatuan just last July. To make things interesting, my cousin's boyfriend (which is his cousin too) shared that last December, he went to the family reunion with a girl (if it's the same girl, I don’t know).

Anyway, I comforted myself with my feel-good explanations but my emotion is overwhelming. There, I did it, I cried a little while reminiscing how I was betrayed and how he lied to me, and so on… and luckily, my "switch" turned-on and I started writing.

I know that my process of healing will not be easy. I still feel hurt but eventually thankful to be able to realize my place in this situation. Actually, the feelings are just remnants of betrayal and lies. Perhaps the main reason why I am like this right now is that he never admitted his mistakes, he never said sorry. He never apologized for making me hurt which I believed is just right.

At this point, what I have to admit is that some people will do you harm and will not be sorry for it. Some people may hurt you without knowing how much pain they have caused you. Some people will not be sensitive to your needs. Some people will not admit they have done wrong or caused you any pain. Some people are just mean. People do change, though, and sometimes, they change not for our benefit.

But despite everything, everyone has their own reasons why they do the things they do. We may not like it but they have reasons. One decision can make one person happy while the other cry. Life is really not all-well. And I am having a my fair share of life's complexity. I am also thankful that I have a natural optimistic outlook so despite the hurt I'm feeling, I am able to appreciate the pain.n_n

"I have forgiven you right now but I hope that one day, I may be able to say it with full conviction. I want you to be happy and in the process, heal myself as well. I am thankful for the experience and opportunity to grow because without this situation, I will not learn to be self-reliant. I have also discover the strong and resilient girl with-in me. You may not be destiny but definitely a part of my life. I will forgive but not forget. Someone is out there for me, it may not be you, may not be better than you, butiISfor me. I wish you all the happiness in life. Thank you."

Today is July 27 and exactly a month ago after the fateful day of the "Enlightenment". Ahahah, I wanna call the day I saw "them" as the day of "Enlightenment". Okay.

I have never been home since then and I am not planning to any sooner now. I don’t know but it has affected me so much that I postponed some parts of myself. First if the part of myself that love driving home and greeting Gabadon with excitement of happiness. This ma be due to the fact that one thing I love being home is his presence there. And now that I really want to move on from him, I cant go back to the place where he is… But I miss my home and my friends told me that he should not be the primary reasons for my life right now. He has caused me lots and lots of trouble and heartaches and still I am letting him get into me by allowing this fear sink into my bones. Actually, I am afraid that I cannot hold myself if ever I'll see him. I am afraid. When can I go home then?

A few good weeks here in my apartment and I know that somehow I gotta face my monster. I'll give myself a few more deep breaths before facing my biggest fear to date. Let's face it, I have to do this sooner or later and I know that I will run into him at least once during the entire course of my lifetime (or his). It's a small world and I will be prepared. And when that day comes, I am prepared, I will smile and greet him with pride. He will see that I am better off than before that somehow I managed to survive and is now a stronger woman…

I am Karen.

Dreams...

I had a dream last night. I saw everything that I really don't want to see.

In my dream, I was in Gabaldon and I saw ex. When I approached him, His gf approached and I introduced myself. However, I managed to get him alone and tell him how hurt I feel, that he made fun of me and other bitter stuffs. He looked at me without any concern so I finally asked him if he still love mo. Then, his response seemed to be very genuine that I really felt its real. He gave me a slight nod and an expression saying"hindi na eh...". I asked him if "wala na ba talaga?" "oo...". I feel the pain in my dream but I was able to hold it and I told him to love his gf.

I approached the gf and asked her her name which I forgot then I want to tell her to take care of his man and that she landed on a very amazing man, etc. In the end, it seemed that we were very good friends... Hahaha


Then I woke up...

It was just a dream but felt very real. I saw them hugging and kissing, and that felt real... Perhaps the reason why this issue resurfaced is because I was told by a friend that I seemed okay, that I have moved on... Actually, I am okay in the sense that I can function daily, that somehow I was able to control my emotion, to react properly, to manage my thinking and to look forward. There's nothing I could gain if I will cry my heart out and I just want him and myself to be happy. At times, it hurts but it only hurts when I reminisce about the "used to be's" and the "should have been's" but there's really nothing I can do about it. It's really hard and I'll admit that I think about him all the time and it hurts. Hurting is normal for me at least it gives me realizations on where could I go from here.

I want to take this slowly but surely and I am positive that I will love again...n_n.

Look Closer

This picture was taken during the PAPJA convention at La Salle last 2008. However, the exact location of the picture is at the St. Joseph Recolletos Marikina where we stayed for the night.

I came across this picture in my FB when a student tagged a photo of me. I smiled instantly when I saw how I use to be.

Look closer... I have a ring on...XD...

NOT ANYMORE!

Recollection

Makikita niyo sa mga posts ang ilang parts ng journal ko during my summer vacation. Lahat po ng may date at time, yun yung mga yun... unedited po kaya pasensya na...n_n

Friday, April 30, 2010 10:08 AM

Kinausap ko uli siya at sinabi ko na pinapawalan ko na siya. Sinabi ko rin na tutulungan ko na ang sarili ko para naman hindi siya mahirapan.

Kaya ko ito, very optimistic ako na makaka-move on ako. Masakit pero kakayanin naman. Tutal, magkaibigan naman kami, at kahit na alam kong hindi na niya ako mahal, okay lang dahil darating na din ako sa puntong ganoon pagdating ng panahon.

Hindi kami pwedeng magsama ng matagal kasi lumalalim yung usapan namin at nauuwi sa mga bagay na nauulit, tapos mag-aaway na naman kami. Kaya dapat alam ko kung hanggang saan lang ang pwede kong itanong at hindi itanong sa kaniya. Mahirap talaga pero ngayon mas malinaw na sakin kung ano ang mga gagawin ko. Medyo mahirap kasi hindi biro at mawawalan na talaga ng puwang ang mga bagy bagay na hindi importante sa ngayon.

Hindi ako nagagalit sa kaniya. Kaibigan ko siya. Sabi niya, kapag nakakarinig siya ng mga bali-balita, ginagawa niyang galit. Ayoko ng ganon, mabigat kasing dalhin ang galit eh, mabigat. Gusto kong magpatawad at magparaya. Gusto kong maging masaya.

Friday, April 30, 2010 10:08 AM

Kinausap ko uli siya at sinabi ko na pinapawalan ko na siya. Sinabi ko rin na tutulungan ko na ang sarili ko para naman hindi siya mahirapan.

Kaya ko ito, very optimistic ako na makaka-move on ako. Masakit pero kakayanin naman. Tutal, magkaibigan naman kami, at kahit na alam kong hindi na niya ako mahal, okay lang dahil darating na din ako sa puntong ganoon pagdating ng panahon.

Hindi kami pwedeng magsama ng matagal kasi lumalalim yung usapan namin at nauuwi sa mga bagay na nauulit, tapos mag-aaway na naman kami. Kaya dapat alam ko kung hanggang saan lang ang pwede kong itanong at hindi itanong sa kaniya. Mahirap talaga pero ngayon mas malinaw na sakin kung ano ang mga gagawin ko. Medyo mahirap kasi hindi biro at mawawalan na talaga ng puwang ang mga bagy bagay na hindi importante sa ngayon.

Hindi ako nagagalit sa kaniya. Kaibigan ko siya. Sabi niya, kapag nakakarinig siya ng mga bali-balita, ginagawa niyang galit. Ayoko ng ganon, mabigat kasing dalhin ang galit eh, mabigat. Gusto kong magpatawad at magparaya. Gusto kong maging masaya.

Thursday, April 29, 2010 12:08 PM

Nakakatakot kung lagi mong aniisip ang mga pwedeng mangyari. Just a while ago, naiisip ko paano kong haharapin if makitang kong happy na siya with a prettier woman. Maiinsecure ako, syempre. Natatakot ako na baka habang buhay ko nang dalhin itong sakin na ito. Pano kung isang araw nakita ko, sweet sweet pa nila? Ano gagawin ko? Iiyak na lang ba ako? Ang sakit sakit siguro…

Pero kung lagi lagi naman kasi nating iniisip yung future, baka praning na lahat. Siguro eto pinakamahirap na part sa moving -on: anticipation. Kung anu-ano kasi naiisip mo na pwedeng mangyari na hindi lang naman exclusive sa love life eh. Actually, sa lahat ng bagay pwede kang mag-anticipate eh: may trabaho pa kaya ako after a year, may bahay pa kaya kami, lulubog na ba ang gabaldon, global warming, plus 3 degrees, plus 30 ft. of sea level, magugunaw na ang mundo, masasagasaan ako mamaya, babangungutin ako mamayang gabi… ano ba pinagkaiba noon sa makikita ko si roy with his new gf? Same lang din yun.

Iniisip ko, bakit ba kasi big deal na big deal sakin ang break up na to? Dahil ako ang iniwanan? So what? Ok nag yun kasi at least hindi ko na kailanganga magconvert at icomlicate ang mga bagay bagay sa family ko. Pride? Ego? Biggest sin yan. Alam mo kung ano yung masakit? Nung sinabi niya na WALA NA, TAPOS NA, HULI NA ANG LAHAT, HINDI KA BA NAKAKAINTINDI? Wow, parang telenovela, ehehe. Tulunagn ko naman daw sarili ko kasi gusto din niyang mag-move on. Gusto lang niyang mapag-isa. Ako din, I think I need time for myself. Marami akong gustong gawin at pangarap na mas importante kesa sa pagmumukmok ko sa isang relasyon na wala na, patay na.

Thursday, April 29, 2010 6:56 AM

Yup, true, hes been trying to move on, at sabi nga niya, yun ang gusto niya. Pinapairapan ko siya by not helping myself move on too. Gusto din niyang magsimula. Kung masakit daw sakin, nasasaktan din siya. Well, maraming balita na may babae daw siya. Anyway, before nagka gf daw siya after naming magbreak. Tatlo, hahaha.

Nagising ako na nalulungkot. Siguro eto na ang simula ng depression na hinahanap hanap ko. Napanginipan ko pa nag siya eh. Well, at least malinaw na sakin na talagang wala na kaming pag-asa, nawalan na siya ng pagmamahal sa akin dahil sa mga nangyari. HHmmmm… bakit kaya ganun, may mga pagsubok na kung titignan ay dapat makakapagpalakas sa relasyon ng dalawang tao, but instead, yung isa lang ang lumakas, yung isa lang ang lalong nagmahal, yung isa lang ang tumibay, samantalang yung isa wala, nawala, nalunod.

Masakit na sa tagal tagal ng aming nilakbay ay ako lang ang nakaahon sa pampang, hindi ko na siya kasama. Ano ngayon ang gaggawin ko? Bababybayin ang ilog para hanapin siya? Nakaahon din siya pero sa ibang pampang na, at hahanap na siya ng kung sino man ang nanduduon para naman makasama niya sa sarili niyang paglalakbay. Ako, maghihintay ba ako at maiiwan sa pampang na dapat ay ahunan naming dalawa at tumangis na lang dahil hindi siya nakaahon? Matagal tagal na rin ako nandito sa lugar na ito, masakit ang mga alaala. Masakit talaga pero kailangan ko na yatang tumalikod at magsimulang lumakad mag-isa. Sa paglalakbay n aito, hindi naman talaga ako mag-isa, nariyan ang pamilya, ang kaibigan, mga kasama na handang umalalay. Hindi man sila nasa same context ng paglalakbay but nililingon-lingon nila ako, tinatawag twag para lumakad na. kailangan ko lang marealize na hindi ito byaheng mag-isa. Na in the first place hindi naman si Roy lang ang kasama ko, siya lang kasi ang lagi kong tinitignan, meron pa sa kaliwa, si Chel, sa harap, si Mama at Dade, sa likod, mga kaibigan. Marami, isa nga lang ang nalagas. Hindi naman ako mag-iisa. Meron pa sa taas.

Natutuwa lang ako dahil nagising akoing malungkot. Inaasahan ko ito matagal na at ngayon ko lang naranasan. Sana ay magtuloy-tuloy na tungo sa paglakad at pag-ahon. :)

Saturday, April 10, 2010 10:48 PM

" dito ka na umupo. Ang taba-taba mo na. Sa sususnod na kita natin at pumayat ka, ililibre kita ng pamasahe"
"Pwede ko bang kunin number mo? Smart ka ba?"
" Pinaramdam mo sakin yung pinaramdam sakin ni Eloisa, masakit"
"Mahal ko"
"Mahal na mahal din kita." Love you love you. Love me love me?"
"hinihintay nga kitang mauntog eh. Baka kasi nabibigla ka lang"
:tinitignan ko yung picture mo, may inahin na ako"
"Bakit ba kasi binibilang mo, para kasing matatapos eh"
"Mahal ko, sorry na. Hindi na kita uli bibiruin ng ganun"
"Tigre si sir eh. Hindi niya kasi naranasang maging teacher si sir"
"Hinding hindi tayo maghihiwalay"
"Maka-graduate lang ako pakakasalan kita. Relax ka lang jan"
"Hindi kita ititira kay mame."
"pakakasalan kita sa lahat ng kapilya"
"Hala mahal ko, namiss kita"
"nung time na yun hirap na hirap akong naghahanap ng bulaklak mo tapos ang iniisip mo pala eh i-break na ako"
"wag mong tanungin sakin yan, baka hindi mo magustuhan yung sagot ko"
"siguro makita pa lang kita tatakbo na ako palapit sayo"
"ewan ko"
"hindi ko pa iniisip yan. Marami pa akong gustong gawin"
"binata naman ako ah"
"bakit sakin mo sinasabi yan"
"nakakabigat ka sakin"

Saturday, April 10, 2010 10:29 PM

Last Thursday, April 6, 2010, Roy and I finally made our break-up official. At first, I think I can handle it perfectly since I think I have been expecting this to happen anyway. But as days pass realizing that he is not "mine" (sort-off) anymore is a little strange, alien at some point.

Yes, I am hurting deep inside. Others are constantly telling me that its for the best because lots of the features in our relationship are not compatible in the first place(e.g.. Religion). They say that he is not worth it, that I am pretty (?), young and with many opportunities; that I can still find love with other guys. But honestly, its not helping a bit. I just cant help but feel sorry for myself, asking questions, blaming my personality for screwing my love. Perhaps I deserve this. I admit that I am not a good girlfriend, there are times that I think I am really hard on him, giving him pressures on our relationships. I guess its too late to repair things of all the things said and done. What hurt most is the idea that he is happier now that I am gone.

"Ano ba ang lagay ng relasyon natin??"

"ewan ko, hindi ko alam"

"eh kasi ang labo-labo eh. Gusto ko lang na maayos na'tp kung maaayos pa."

Nagpalakad-lakad pabalik-balik. Naiiyak na ako

"ano bang gusto mong malaman?"

"mahal mo pa ba ako?"

"syempre. Hindi naman na mawawala yun."

Ngumiti ako. Relieved.

"pero wag ka sanang magagalit-"

Kinabahan ako

"kasi nitong nakaraang mga buwan, grabe yung pinagdaanan ko. Sumuot ako sa butas ng aspili-"

Aspili, baka karayom?

"aspili, hindi karayom ha. Walang nang butas yon pero ganun yung pinagdaanan ko para lang maka-graduate. Napakarami kong naging problema'

"pero ngayon, ayan, ga-graduate ka na"

"oo, pero ang hirap ng pinagdaanan ko. Siguro kung hindi -----"

Hindi ko na matandaan itong part na ito

"Hindi naman sa binabalewala kita pero, siguro, sabihin na nating makasarili ako pero gusto ko yata munang sarili ko muna ang intindihin ko. Yung wala akong ibang pinoproblema kundi yung sarili ko"

"naiintindihan kita. So ano, maghihiwalay na ba tayo?"

"kung ako lang, mas gusto ko yung ganito"

"so break na nga tayo?"

Hindi ko na matandaan pero feeling ko manhid ako nung time na yun. Para ngang tanggap na tanggap ko nung gabi na yun eh. Hindi ko na mahanap yung pakiramdam ko nung gabi na yun kasi ngayon ko palang nararamdaman na ang sakit sakit pala. Kung ngayon ko nararamdaman yung nararamdamn ko nung gaboi na yun, hidni siguro ako pumayag na maghiwalay kami. Umiyak siguro ako ng sobra sobra, humagulgol, nagmakaawa, nagalit, lahat lahat na.

Pagkukumpara

Dala ng katatapos kong karansan at habang naiisip ko ang bagong kasintahan ng aking ex-boyriend, hindi ko mapigil ang magkumpara at magtanong. Mas maganda ba siya sa akin? (yata). Siguradong mas payat naman sakin. Mas matangkad sakin. Mas makinis sa akin. Mas maganda ang buhok sakin. Mas mabait kaya siya?(may bait nga ba ako? Ehehe) Mas masarap ba siyang kausap? Mas maalaga kaya? Mas malambing? At kung anu-anong pagkukumpara hanggang sa mapraning na ako. Habang pinahihirapan ko ang sarili ko sa pag-iisip ng mga ito, biglang naitanung ko kung kailangan nga ba ng pagkukumpara.

Naniniwala ako na ang bawat bagay sa ating buhay ay may kani-kaniyang halaga batay sa ating pagkakasubok sa mga ito. Naniniwala din ako na hinding hindi magiging parehas ang pagtingin ng dalawang tao ukol sa isang bagay o sitwasyon. Subjectivity, eka nga. Ang isang bagay na maganda at maayos sa paningin ko ay maaaring panget at masagwa sa paningin ng iba. Ang aking batayan ng kagandahan ay maaaring hindi batayan ng iba.

Dahil sa pagtanggap ko sa panilawanag na ang lahat ng bagay, sitwasyon o tao ay may kani-kaniyang katangian, ibinababa ko na ang sukdulang pagkukumpara ko sa sarili ko at sa bagong girlfriend ng ex ko. Syempre masakit na makikita mong physically, mas maganda siya sayo at wala naman akong ibang mailaban kundi ang ilang bagay na nakamit na palagay ko ay wala siya. Pero kung hanggang dito na lang ang magiging pagtingin ko sa sitwasyon, hindi nga ako makakaalis sa insecurity na sa tingin ko ay hindi nakakatulong sa pagbangon mula sa karanasang ito. Oo, sabihin na nating pwedeng niloko niya ako o nagsinungaling siya sa akin na ah, baka kaya niya ako pinagpalit dito ay mas maganda at mas sexy (malusog po ako, ehehhe), hidni ko rin tinatanggal na may mga bagay na ako ang nagdulot kung bakit nabaling ang pagtingin niya mula sa akin patungo sa babaeng iyon. Kung ano man iyon, tanungin po natin ang ex ko pero ayaw ko nang magbigay ng kahulugan.

Bilang may panimula sa pag-aaral ukol sa pag-uugali, kilos at pag-iisip ng tao, mayroon akong tendency na talagang magbigya ng interpretasyon sa mga bagay bagay sa paligid ko. Pati mga aksyon at ginagawa nila ay napupuna ko. Sa puntong ito, ayaw ko. Pinahihirapan ko ang sarili ko sa mga bagay na hindi ko alam. Tapos na kami, ex na ako at naniniwala ako na darating ang para sa akin. Gusto kong tanggapin ang karansang ito bilang sa kung ano ito. Nais kong tanggapin na wala na kami at sa ngayon, ayaw kong isipin ang kung ano mang pag-asa para sa aming dalawa. Pagod na ako sa kaniya at marami pa akong dapat isaalang-alang na mas mahalaga.

Sigurado ako na mayroon akong mga katangian an higit sa kaniya at mayroon din siyang higit sa akin depende sa kung anong panukat ka sisilip. Sa kabila ng lahat, isa lamang ang sinisiguro ko, ano man ang mangyari, hinding hindi ko mamaliitin ang sarili ko dahil sa pangyayaring ito. Hinding hindi ko titingnan ang sarili ko bilang may kakulangan dahil lamang sa ginawa niya. Hinding hindi ako manliliit sa harap nilang dalawa kundi dapat pa nga akong maging higit na masaya kung masaya sila. Unfair naman kung nagmumukmok ka tapos sila hindi, di ba? Sabi nga ng t-shirt “THINK ABOUT YOURSELF FOR A CHANGE”.