Negativity...

Whitey. Photo by: KDA

minsan naiisip ko nakakainggit ang pusa... parang walan silang ibang concern kundi food, unlike satin, daming issues.


From time to time, I experience sadness, anxiety, regret, frustration, hurt, guilt, pain and any adjective that describes the feeling of being betrayed. I still cry, during the nights when I feel so alone and cheated, when sadness and emptiness creeps into the darkness as I lay awake. I also cry when I imagine our past, how happy and contented I was with him. Sometimes, I even want to go back in time and perhaps a decision could change the course of history. I also cry when my mind plays the game of anticipation if ever I would see him very happy and in-love with his new girl. But most of all, I cry when I remember how I believed and trusted him, when he broke my heart and was not sorry for doing so.

At this point, I ask, "why me?".There are so many girls out there who seemed to jump from one man to another but still being wanted? There are people whom are honestly loved but doesn’t give a damn. There are people who repel the affection of others. I have given my whole heart to a man that after just a few months of our break-up found another and lied to me about it. I have loved a man whom I accompanied during the lowest points of his life and then dumped me when things went his way. Some even remarked that it is possible that he just used me.

Well, sometimes I really need to cry, to feel the negativity and then react negatively to it. I cant always hide and fight the pain, I want to experience it. This is one of those times.

When will this all go away?

The Encounter with MONSTER EX...Saturday, August 14, 2010 6:02 PM

What a beautiful day. I decided to go home to face my monster. The whole day passed and I finally saw him, walking to his Saturday church service. I was okay then anxiety crept, my mouth was dry, I was feeling cold and my heart beat faster. To add to my adversary, my cousin told me how they (he and his girlfriend) shared a van ride from Gabaldon to Cabanatuan just last July. To make things interesting, my cousin's boyfriend (which is his cousin too) shared that last December, he went to the family reunion with a girl (if it's the same girl, I don’t know).

Anyway, I comforted myself with my feel-good explanations but my emotion is overwhelming. There, I did it, I cried a little while reminiscing how I was betrayed and how he lied to me, and so on… and luckily, my "switch" turned-on and I started writing.

I know that my process of healing will not be easy. I still feel hurt but eventually thankful to be able to realize my place in this situation. Actually, the feelings are just remnants of betrayal and lies. Perhaps the main reason why I am like this right now is that he never admitted his mistakes, he never said sorry. He never apologized for making me hurt which I believed is just right.

At this point, what I have to admit is that some people will do you harm and will not be sorry for it. Some people may hurt you without knowing how much pain they have caused you. Some people will not be sensitive to your needs. Some people will not admit they have done wrong or caused you any pain. Some people are just mean. People do change, though, and sometimes, they change not for our benefit.

But despite everything, everyone has their own reasons why they do the things they do. We may not like it but they have reasons. One decision can make one person happy while the other cry. Life is really not all-well. And I am having a my fair share of life's complexity. I am also thankful that I have a natural optimistic outlook so despite the hurt I'm feeling, I am able to appreciate the pain.n_n

"I have forgiven you right now but I hope that one day, I may be able to say it with full conviction. I want you to be happy and in the process, heal myself as well. I am thankful for the experience and opportunity to grow because without this situation, I will not learn to be self-reliant. I have also discover the strong and resilient girl with-in me. You may not be destiny but definitely a part of my life. I will forgive but not forget. Someone is out there for me, it may not be you, may not be better than you, butiISfor me. I wish you all the happiness in life. Thank you."

Saturday, April 10, 2010 10:48 PM

" dito ka na umupo. Ang taba-taba mo na. Sa sususnod na kita natin at pumayat ka, ililibre kita ng pamasahe"
"Pwede ko bang kunin number mo? Smart ka ba?"
" Pinaramdam mo sakin yung pinaramdam sakin ni Eloisa, masakit"
"Mahal ko"
"Mahal na mahal din kita." Love you love you. Love me love me?"
"hinihintay nga kitang mauntog eh. Baka kasi nabibigla ka lang"
:tinitignan ko yung picture mo, may inahin na ako"
"Bakit ba kasi binibilang mo, para kasing matatapos eh"
"Mahal ko, sorry na. Hindi na kita uli bibiruin ng ganun"
"Tigre si sir eh. Hindi niya kasi naranasang maging teacher si sir"
"Hinding hindi tayo maghihiwalay"
"Maka-graduate lang ako pakakasalan kita. Relax ka lang jan"
"Hindi kita ititira kay mame."
"pakakasalan kita sa lahat ng kapilya"
"Hala mahal ko, namiss kita"
"nung time na yun hirap na hirap akong naghahanap ng bulaklak mo tapos ang iniisip mo pala eh i-break na ako"
"wag mong tanungin sakin yan, baka hindi mo magustuhan yung sagot ko"
"siguro makita pa lang kita tatakbo na ako palapit sayo"
"ewan ko"
"hindi ko pa iniisip yan. Marami pa akong gustong gawin"
"binata naman ako ah"
"bakit sakin mo sinasabi yan"
"nakakabigat ka sakin"

Saturday, April 10, 2010 10:29 PM

Last Thursday, April 6, 2010, Roy and I finally made our break-up official. At first, I think I can handle it perfectly since I think I have been expecting this to happen anyway. But as days pass realizing that he is not "mine" (sort-off) anymore is a little strange, alien at some point.

Yes, I am hurting deep inside. Others are constantly telling me that its for the best because lots of the features in our relationship are not compatible in the first place(e.g.. Religion). They say that he is not worth it, that I am pretty (?), young and with many opportunities; that I can still find love with other guys. But honestly, its not helping a bit. I just cant help but feel sorry for myself, asking questions, blaming my personality for screwing my love. Perhaps I deserve this. I admit that I am not a good girlfriend, there are times that I think I am really hard on him, giving him pressures on our relationships. I guess its too late to repair things of all the things said and done. What hurt most is the idea that he is happier now that I am gone.

"Ano ba ang lagay ng relasyon natin??"

"ewan ko, hindi ko alam"

"eh kasi ang labo-labo eh. Gusto ko lang na maayos na'tp kung maaayos pa."

Nagpalakad-lakad pabalik-balik. Naiiyak na ako

"ano bang gusto mong malaman?"

"mahal mo pa ba ako?"

"syempre. Hindi naman na mawawala yun."

Ngumiti ako. Relieved.

"pero wag ka sanang magagalit-"

Kinabahan ako

"kasi nitong nakaraang mga buwan, grabe yung pinagdaanan ko. Sumuot ako sa butas ng aspili-"

Aspili, baka karayom?

"aspili, hindi karayom ha. Walang nang butas yon pero ganun yung pinagdaanan ko para lang maka-graduate. Napakarami kong naging problema'

"pero ngayon, ayan, ga-graduate ka na"

"oo, pero ang hirap ng pinagdaanan ko. Siguro kung hindi -----"

Hindi ko na matandaan itong part na ito

"Hindi naman sa binabalewala kita pero, siguro, sabihin na nating makasarili ako pero gusto ko yata munang sarili ko muna ang intindihin ko. Yung wala akong ibang pinoproblema kundi yung sarili ko"

"naiintindihan kita. So ano, maghihiwalay na ba tayo?"

"kung ako lang, mas gusto ko yung ganito"

"so break na nga tayo?"

Hindi ko na matandaan pero feeling ko manhid ako nung time na yun. Para ngang tanggap na tanggap ko nung gabi na yun eh. Hindi ko na mahanap yung pakiramdam ko nung gabi na yun kasi ngayon ko palang nararamdaman na ang sakit sakit pala. Kung ngayon ko nararamdaman yung nararamdamn ko nung gaboi na yun, hidni siguro ako pumayag na maghiwalay kami. Umiyak siguro ako ng sobra sobra, humagulgol, nagmakaawa, nagalit, lahat lahat na.

Pagkukumpara

Dala ng katatapos kong karansan at habang naiisip ko ang bagong kasintahan ng aking ex-boyriend, hindi ko mapigil ang magkumpara at magtanong. Mas maganda ba siya sa akin? (yata). Siguradong mas payat naman sakin. Mas matangkad sakin. Mas makinis sa akin. Mas maganda ang buhok sakin. Mas mabait kaya siya?(may bait nga ba ako? Ehehe) Mas masarap ba siyang kausap? Mas maalaga kaya? Mas malambing? At kung anu-anong pagkukumpara hanggang sa mapraning na ako. Habang pinahihirapan ko ang sarili ko sa pag-iisip ng mga ito, biglang naitanung ko kung kailangan nga ba ng pagkukumpara.

Naniniwala ako na ang bawat bagay sa ating buhay ay may kani-kaniyang halaga batay sa ating pagkakasubok sa mga ito. Naniniwala din ako na hinding hindi magiging parehas ang pagtingin ng dalawang tao ukol sa isang bagay o sitwasyon. Subjectivity, eka nga. Ang isang bagay na maganda at maayos sa paningin ko ay maaaring panget at masagwa sa paningin ng iba. Ang aking batayan ng kagandahan ay maaaring hindi batayan ng iba.

Dahil sa pagtanggap ko sa panilawanag na ang lahat ng bagay, sitwasyon o tao ay may kani-kaniyang katangian, ibinababa ko na ang sukdulang pagkukumpara ko sa sarili ko at sa bagong girlfriend ng ex ko. Syempre masakit na makikita mong physically, mas maganda siya sayo at wala naman akong ibang mailaban kundi ang ilang bagay na nakamit na palagay ko ay wala siya. Pero kung hanggang dito na lang ang magiging pagtingin ko sa sitwasyon, hindi nga ako makakaalis sa insecurity na sa tingin ko ay hindi nakakatulong sa pagbangon mula sa karanasang ito. Oo, sabihin na nating pwedeng niloko niya ako o nagsinungaling siya sa akin na ah, baka kaya niya ako pinagpalit dito ay mas maganda at mas sexy (malusog po ako, ehehhe), hidni ko rin tinatanggal na may mga bagay na ako ang nagdulot kung bakit nabaling ang pagtingin niya mula sa akin patungo sa babaeng iyon. Kung ano man iyon, tanungin po natin ang ex ko pero ayaw ko nang magbigay ng kahulugan.

Bilang may panimula sa pag-aaral ukol sa pag-uugali, kilos at pag-iisip ng tao, mayroon akong tendency na talagang magbigya ng interpretasyon sa mga bagay bagay sa paligid ko. Pati mga aksyon at ginagawa nila ay napupuna ko. Sa puntong ito, ayaw ko. Pinahihirapan ko ang sarili ko sa mga bagay na hindi ko alam. Tapos na kami, ex na ako at naniniwala ako na darating ang para sa akin. Gusto kong tanggapin ang karansang ito bilang sa kung ano ito. Nais kong tanggapin na wala na kami at sa ngayon, ayaw kong isipin ang kung ano mang pag-asa para sa aming dalawa. Pagod na ako sa kaniya at marami pa akong dapat isaalang-alang na mas mahalaga.

Sigurado ako na mayroon akong mga katangian an higit sa kaniya at mayroon din siyang higit sa akin depende sa kung anong panukat ka sisilip. Sa kabila ng lahat, isa lamang ang sinisiguro ko, ano man ang mangyari, hinding hindi ko mamaliitin ang sarili ko dahil sa pangyayaring ito. Hinding hindi ko titingnan ang sarili ko bilang may kakulangan dahil lamang sa ginawa niya. Hinding hindi ako manliliit sa harap nilang dalawa kundi dapat pa nga akong maging higit na masaya kung masaya sila. Unfair naman kung nagmumukmok ka tapos sila hindi, di ba? Sabi nga ng t-shirt “THINK ABOUT YOURSELF FOR A CHANGE”.