Some pictures at Baler..n_n

Today is July 27 and exactly a month ago after the fateful day of the "Enlightenment". Ahahah, I wanna call the day I saw "them" as the day of "Enlightenment". Okay.

I have never been home since then and I am not planning to any sooner now. I don’t know but it has affected me so much that I postponed some parts of myself. First if the part of myself that love driving home and greeting Gabadon with excitement of happiness. This ma be due to the fact that one thing I love being home is his presence there. And now that I really want to move on from him, I cant go back to the place where he is… But I miss my home and my friends told me that he should not be the primary reasons for my life right now. He has caused me lots and lots of trouble and heartaches and still I am letting him get into me by allowing this fear sink into my bones. Actually, I am afraid that I cannot hold myself if ever I'll see him. I am afraid. When can I go home then?

A few good weeks here in my apartment and I know that somehow I gotta face my monster. I'll give myself a few more deep breaths before facing my biggest fear to date. Let's face it, I have to do this sooner or later and I know that I will run into him at least once during the entire course of my lifetime (or his). It's a small world and I will be prepared. And when that day comes, I am prepared, I will smile and greet him with pride. He will see that I am better off than before that somehow I managed to survive and is now a stronger woman…

I am Karen.

Look Closer

This picture was taken during the PAPJA convention at La Salle last 2008. However, the exact location of the picture is at the St. Joseph Recolletos Marikina where we stayed for the night.

I came across this picture in my FB when a student tagged a photo of me. I smiled instantly when I saw how I use to be.

Look closer... I have a ring on...XD...

NOT ANYMORE!

Ang mataba at ang sexy

This is my pic last February. Ang taba-taba ko at ngayon ko lang napansin ang ang taba-taba ko nga pala. I would like to name some difficulties/ inconveniences I experience due to my size.

1. Clothes. Let's face it, shopping for clothes is not as "therapeutic" and fun as it should be. Ang hirap humanap ng stores that offer large sizes. Here in Cabanatuan, only few shops/boutique actually consider having plus size men and women as their costumers. If meron man, medyo mahal ang prizes. I have to order to catalogs and brochures tapos kapag sinuot mo naman ay siguradong may kamukha ka ng damit (like the one I'm wearing right now). Paano kung magkasabay kayo o magkatabi kayo sa jeep? Patay na dun...

There is this one shop at NE pacific and I strated browsing for clothes. I politely asked the sales lady what is the biggest size for a particular dress of my liking. She looked at me from head to toe and said: "ay, sayo? walang kasya". Then she gave me a dress that looks like Inang's duster with a print resembling carpets in old houses. Syet! Ganda pa naman ng name ng store. I was really offended by her comment so I walked away.

Another thing is about the mainstream fashion. Ang mga dalaga at binata ba ngayon ay talagang super papayat? Hmmm... I dunno but I really hate shopping for clothes because I feel really BIG and OUTCAST.

2. Public Vehicles. If you want a faster ride from Cabanatuan to Gabaldon, you can ride the van. and of course, 12 passengers ang sakay nun. One time, may matanda na sasakay (take note, Lolo na talaga siya). He saw me and laught. "ang taba taba mo naman, dapat dalawa ang bayad mo". Nagalit ako at naramdaman ko ang dugo kong pumanhik sa ulo ko. Hindi ko napigilan ang kabastusan ko. "aba, ako na po ang pinakamatabang taong nakita niyo? ang tanda-tanda niyo na ang bastos bastos niyo". (hahahha! I was really bastos at that time). To think that he doesnt know me, he should be careful in making any kind of remarks. Kahit sino naman talaga di ba? Kahit na anong kapintasan. Just shut up is you don't have anything good to say.

3. Media and Guys. Ano pa nga ba ang masasabi ko sa popular media on their stereotype of the "beautiful and fit" di ba? In one commercial, "being fit means more boys". More boys? Ayan, hindi na daw mamahalin ang mga mataba kasi you should be fit. Loosing weight is not just about looking good but being healthy as well. Mas maganda yatang yun ang highlight, hindi yung "pag mataba ka, walang makikipag-date sayo" (na parang totoo).

I had a textmate last November, sundalo. Mabait sa text at sobrang kulit tumawag. Then, nakita niya ako. After non, hindi na ako tinext, AS IN! (Ewan ko kung bakit, pwedeng hindi niya ko type o baka naman nabaril na o nag-asawa or kinuha ng alien, na-rape ng elementals, naging guinea pig ng isang experiment, I dont know). Pero syempre, anong iisipin ko di ba? Better i fhindi na ako mag-isip.

Lately, may crush ako sa FB, then nakita ko yung mga girls na tinitignan niya, mga pretty and sexy at may comments siya (hi, ganda mo naman, sana maging friend kita, ect). Ok, natapos ang pagka-crush ko sa kaniya. I dont know but totoo pa rin ba ang sinasabi ng researches about liking others and falling-in love? Physical attraction first before anything!

Hindi rin ako sure if this is the reason why hiniwalayan ako ng ex ko at ipinagpalit sa iba...

IN THE END...

I still think I'm fat but I started to loose some weight (nagpalit na ako ng size ng damit) pero mataba pa rin naman. I want to stop feeling bitter against people who look at life based on sizes. Sabi ni Sheldon, endomorph daw yung mataba at cheerful at jolly sila kasi unless maging ganoon ka, wala kang magiging friends... Ahahaha, buti na lang obsolete na siya...

Guys, lets just be happy and find people who can accept us no matter what our sizes are...