Revisiting "Pagdadala Model"

Saturday, August 28, 2010
9:26 PM

This week has been particularly heavy for me. I found myself one step forward and two steps backwards. My experience of betrayal and hurt continues to hunt me as I fall into episodes of deep sadness and frustration. I was praying hard to accept and heal and a sign was given...

I was attempting to write a paper about a wife's experience on the husband's unfaithfulness. The 'Burden Bearer's Tale (Pagdadala) is perfect in understanding the unique experience of women facing betrayal and infidelity. I am specifically concern on the journey of forgiveness, moving- on and acceptance. Anyway, while trying to put the puzzle pieces together, I know I will have to revisit and rediscover my own experiences. So, I grabbed my sketch pad and started scribbling my thoughts down. I also revisited the book that changed how I look life: Rehab. Luckily, I decided to bring it home along with the books I intend to read: Management by Culture and Filipino Work Values both by FL Jocano. So I read…

" A burden is something we receive. It is given to us and thus accepted by us. We are not passive bearers because we have choices whether to carry a particular burden or not. Once accepted, the act of burden-bearing starts. Since receiving comes with the interaction of destiny and self, the burden-bearer finds it hard to accept the burden if s/he is not prepared for it.

Path should be chosen to achieve a destination. No matter what, a burden should be brought to the destination, otherwise, the burden-bearer fails the journey. Take note, however, that the burden is not static. Things change as it is carried out through the journey. Sometimes, as it changes, the path and destination is affected making the trip difficult. The worst case scenario here is that the burden is not worth carrying anymore, which can be realized by the bearer him/herself or will be pointed out by others. At this point, the bearer fails. The self, burden and destination is conencted."

Bottomline:

When me and my ex decided to accept the burden of being in a relationship four years ago, we embarked on a journey with 'spending the rest of out lives togethe'r as the final destination. But things changed during the journey and we have to drop it. He did it but I didn’t.

The new status of my relationship with my ex was so sudden that I was hardly even prepared for the separation (though we are not formally bf/gf anymore). Since I am not prepared, I can't accept that I am officially single! The burden of the relationship too great that I have postponed some parts of my life to protect my destructed sense of self that has been connected to him.

It's all about dropping the old destination to continue life. It is really my choice on where to go.n_n. My next destination may not be as clear as before but I'm setting short term goals for the moment. As of now, my earliest goal is to finish my mini paper on Pagdadala, aja!

OR…

This could be hormonal. *sigh -_-

I'm hopeful though…n_n

yup, picture habang tumatakbo ang mutor.. wahahha.

Today is July 27 and exactly a month ago after the fateful day of the "Enlightenment". Ahahah, I wanna call the day I saw "them" as the day of "Enlightenment". Okay.

I have never been home since then and I am not planning to any sooner now. I don’t know but it has affected me so much that I postponed some parts of myself. First if the part of myself that love driving home and greeting Gabadon with excitement of happiness. This ma be due to the fact that one thing I love being home is his presence there. And now that I really want to move on from him, I cant go back to the place where he is… But I miss my home and my friends told me that he should not be the primary reasons for my life right now. He has caused me lots and lots of trouble and heartaches and still I am letting him get into me by allowing this fear sink into my bones. Actually, I am afraid that I cannot hold myself if ever I'll see him. I am afraid. When can I go home then?

A few good weeks here in my apartment and I know that somehow I gotta face my monster. I'll give myself a few more deep breaths before facing my biggest fear to date. Let's face it, I have to do this sooner or later and I know that I will run into him at least once during the entire course of my lifetime (or his). It's a small world and I will be prepared. And when that day comes, I am prepared, I will smile and greet him with pride. He will see that I am better off than before that somehow I managed to survive and is now a stronger woman…

I am Karen.

Gabaldon and Me

top: Sawmill
bottom: Arch of Gabaldon, Nueva Ecija

I've been a lover of my hometown for almost all my life. I am never tired of imagining myself giving back to my community. But being a member of the town is not just my connection with Gabaldon. My family history can also be linked to the birth and development of my beloved home.

HISTORY as I knew it…

According to the stories told by my father, there was a Spanish landlord named Sabani who own the entire town (as a part of Laur). Then, when the Americans came, he escaped and eventually the government offered people to settle in that swampy area. Bitulok was also a name for the baranggay for still unverified reasons (the story was interesting, I'll share it later). The government decided to separate Gabaldon from the mother town of Laur and they solicited money to raise funds to build the first municipal hall. They said that the town will be named after whoever donates the biggest amount. There are two strong contenders: Governor Gabaldon and Felipe Buencamino. I was told the Felipe Buencamino was the owner of the Sawmill located in town and is very rich. But it was said that they never asked Don Felipe for donations so Gabaldon won (politics). The town was named Gabaldon.

Another article about this can be found on this page. Although I don’t know the real source of this info...

http://www.facebook.com/pages/gabaldon_nueva-ecija/132469093460679?v=wall&story_fbid=135686556472266&ref=notif&notif_t=feed_comment&rda21936b#!/profile.php?id=100001031721852&v=info&ref=ts

MY FAMILY

Actually, my father's family was among the first settlers in Sawmill. A group of workers from Cabiao, Nueva Ecija to work in the lumber mill. One grandfather of mine was even a scholar of the famous Don Felipe. That barangay was eventually named Sawmill and is one of the first Barrios in town. It was the first barangay to experience electricity because of the power needed by the lumber mills and during family reunions, my aunts and uncles would tell stories on how they grew up in the grace of the mill.

On the other hand, my mother side came from Laur-Bongabon, two nearby municipalities. Since Gabaldon has a fertile land, they eventually started farming. They also built a rice mill. A story shared by my Inang and Tatang about how they changed the way onions are being planted in Gabaldon is a fascinating one.

During their first onion season, the elders saw Tatang planting the onions directly to the soil. They laughed at him teasing him if it would grow ("Tignan lang natin kung maglaman yan" in Iloko). The main practice of onion planting back then was different. They used hay as plots and they do not plant onions directly to the soil (I forgot the term for that practice). But harvest time came and my Tatang had a bountiful one (tumama sa sibuyas) so the next planting season came and almost everyone planted their onions my Tatang's way (which of course is a technology taught to him in his home town in Bongabon).

Hmmm… Honestly, I heard this story just months ago and I was surprised that my Tatang actually played a significant role in the agricultural history of Gabaldon. I said he should be noted for that but of course, its not as simple as that. It also gave me an idea about the oral history. Sir Barroman, a retired history professor, said that one of the best sources of history is the oral tradition. Well, in my part, perhaps documenting my family history based on their "kwentos" can make a difference.

photo from: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=7594&id=100001351360449#!/profile.php?id=100001031721852

After PAntabanagan

Just returned from a weekend of planning and work at Best View Hotel Pantabangan. The place was spectacular with the location overseeing the dam. I feel so close to nature event though it rained throughout our stay (crap…). Originally, I planned to ride with my Ganda (wave 100) to the location but some people had their hesitations (baka umulan, baka maharang ka, babae ka kaya? d-uh!). Anyway, I'm planning to drive there this weekend. Bwahahahahaha! XD. I know the place and very confident that I can handle the dirt road (reminds me of the road to Umiray).

Anyway, the meeting/planning reminds me of the tons of work I SHOULD do. Couldn’t come on a better schedule. I was grieving, don't know if I still am (of course you are!), but it’s a nice time to realize there's more to life than being in-love with a man. Work is a fulfilling thing and the idea that there are things greater than yourself remove particles of frustrations and hurt I feel. I'm not just a girl waiting for someone to marry her, but someone who wants to achieve something in her life. I don’t want to rely on some guy for my self-esteem, better yet, my life direction. For years I've been totally in-love with a boy and all I wanted was to get married. Now, everything is different (aside from the boy is gone), I see a broader horizon now and I think I can be happy with this. Talk about self-love! Ahahaha.

Another thing about being single is that I can eye ANY man guilt-free.XD. (Open season, sale, bargain, etc!) and I really should enjoy this (no choice). Well, to all single ladies out there, let's enjoy life and eventually THAT person will come unexpectedly…n_n