Scratching Old wounds Thursday, September 01, 2011 3:40 AM

Its so damn cold and I can't seem to get back to sleep so I have to do something about it. Never thought I would write about my ex in these days but some "garamugam moves" (learned this word yesterday) of mine are paying off.

Recently, I have been bothered again by the his memories. This may be due to the fact that my partner in "garamugam moves" has been in Dumaguete for a week now, and communication is really minimal (he has not been texting). I really don’t want to bother him because his primal concern right now is his thesis. He has been my savior from loneliness for months but I have to fend off for my own now. Its really scary, I tell you.

Maybe I was avoiding memories too long that I have forgotten really to deal with them. I have been ignoring my ex's possible connections at FB. We have never talked since May and I have never seen him since, well, I don’t know. So, very brave of me, I started viewing his pictures again, including his gf's. I relished those smiles and facial features, trying to bring back whatever lying dormant in me. Then, I connected with his sister, whom, for the period of our relationship has grown close to me.

Our little chit-chat became a call when I got her number. We talked about our lives after the break-up. We talked about how she thinks I really should move-on because her brother is really happy with his current relationship. Apparently, she converted to his religion and that, I think, has ascended the relationship into the next level. She is really serious in keeping him that she took the leap that I did not take. Lucky her because she can get to keep the man I could not.

I also learned that she has no work at the moment but is planning to fly abroad soon (only waiting for her plane ticket). They will marry maybe after a few years of saving or whatever (I really shouldn't care). Then it hit me, the pain of being alone again… I don’t know if I still love him but I still hold to the fact that I don’t want to be with him.

I was so distraught after the phone call that I never managed to go to class (I applied for a sick leave). I told my chair that I am not okay, which is very true. How can I teach if I am crying. This journal entry is an attempt to console myself by creating structure of what I feel right now.

I even gave her(gf) a message because I really don’t know how to feel okay. I just messaged her about my ordeal with him and other stuffs a current gf would want to know about the past relationship. I said sorry but I also said I must heal. Up to now, I really don't know if I should have done what I did but I think making that connection with her is my way of closure that my ex have not given me. Maybe I wanted her to console me in my ex's behalf by eliciting empathy from her side. I wish it will not create any problem or strain in their relationship but if ever it should, that's another hurdle they should overcome. In some sense, I am her ghost as she is mine.

I am better off this way, because I am not sure if I really could be happy in such a restrained environment, I mean, he has put up conditions that I couldn’t meet, so I have been chosen off. I felt bad for not meeting those criteria that I have been depressed over him, trying to beg him back. Along came a girl who met them but still, I was not giving up. It's like applying for a position already occupied, just being determined if you could get it, one way or another.

I think I am too much of a woman for a guy like him, and being less than what I am or should be, is not a better choice either. I should grow up and in doing so, leave all of my experiences with him behind. The memories and dreams we have shared long ago are no longer applicable to who I am right now. I cannot hold back my own growth just to suit his needs, its just not who I am. More so, I should acknowledge this turn in my life, that I am moving away from what I used to be…. And what I used to be is tied to him and his memories, all promising a secured life. That promise is not mine now, it belongs to another girl who had met his criteria. Obviously, I am holding back because of my stupid neuroticism.

Am I afraid that no other man could want me? Well, yes, because up to now, I have not met another who wanted me as bad as I wanted him (oops, this is another on-going story).

Maybe I just don’t know how to give up. I don’t know why I'm still doing this. Maybe I just don’t want to deal with the fact that I have lost this battle, that another has taken my place. I just don’t met the criteria and the judging was over, so, I should move-on… It's pretty stupid and annoying to stay, really. People are already frustrated about it, I am too, believe me. So what should I do?

1. Live my life normally. No FB spying, no special treatment or connection with his family and or trying to talk to him. I really should let this one go. It’s a heavy drag.
2. Learn to manage my emotions better. This has been my issue for so long now that my only outlet is being depressed (so pathetic). I believe I am very vulnerable and just like what my mom says, I should master this weakness.

I did wrote earlier that I messaged his gf, and at the last part of the note is a "sorry" because I have to contact her. We have nothing to talk about, right? Yeah…I'll not expect any reply from her but I'll accept whatever happens. But when I told her I wish them both happiness, I really meant it… not a trace of bitterness but a road to peace and redemption.

Hopefully, this is it… It's time to pack my bags and move-on for goo

Strangers

I have been examining my blog and this is obviously a "shrine" for my ex (if only he could appreciate these things, or at least his new gf would discover). Anyway, we had a little chit-chat last weekend and it's still the same story. He is kinda hostile but I was surprised with my reaction:blunt.

To start, my friend told me that he was asking for my number. I was curious and thought that maybe, just maybe he wanted me back. Then I remember that he wanted me to help him in his "neuro" exam. The next day, I saw him and I still find him physically appealing. Later that night, I saw his brother who (without any hesitation) asked me to pay him a visit (my ex) a visit. It turned out that he flanked his exam and wanted to verify few things from me so he would know next time.

I was there, listening to his pathetic story why his seemingly perfect answers created an emotionally unstable profile. Then I realized I don't have the same feelings anymore. It was not him, and it was not me. We were strangers... As he whines, I've been marking his words as the things I felt when he left me... my heart secretly smiled at his expense. I know it's wrong, it's evil, but somehow, I think a fraction of my disappointments and frustrations on him about our relationship was transferred to him. Now you know a little negative feeling...

Something for February

February is hell for single people. Everything is a constant reminder about singleness and it sucks, really. It's been a while since I felt really excited about the "heart's day", wondering what surprise your going to get from your boyfriend. It is also the time when you prepare what to give him. This is actually not my first valentines day alone, its my second. Why do we fuss about valentines day after all?

I remember Jessica Zafra's idea about valentine's day. According to her, this is actually the time when guys are expected to bring gifts and flowers to their girlfriends so they would not complain for the whole year if they would not receive any. It was cute. Why do we really want to feel special, why do we want to receive gifts?

Nah, in the end, its all about being special. I don’t know but a bf/gf relationship is really special that it’s the most famous narrative when it comes to living life. Love stories and love songs are popular because people believe in love. Even the most popular conception of love is not the religious love nor the parental love but the romantic love that we see.

Well, I have survived before, I think I can survive again.n_n.

23 na!

Same time last year, I was hoping for a greeting that did not come. He left and broke my heart. Now, I can't even remember my feelings for him though I can recall how I stayed and hoped that everything will be fixed. Sigh*

Anyway, 2010 has been though and I've been expecting a tougher 2011. Well, like the famous beer commercial: when the going gets tough, the tough gets going. I only pray that the Lord find we worthy to be granted another year, another chance to explore and share. I can even see the new hurdles from here. So, what are my plans?

Career. Gotta go to a graduate school asap. Yes, I am pressured and its really inconvenient but this is also my obligation given my profession. My hesitations are of financial matters and specialization. I'm giving it a shot.

Lovelife. I'm not looking but will accept suitor. I'm beginning to loose the anxiety of not having a date during lanterns and valentines. Somehow, I found things beyond intimate relationships. I enjoy teasing and missing Orange (because I think I am seriously in-love with him).

Career. Yep, things are rough. This is the time of testing and taking things into a different level. I hope to enter graduate school next year and physical, mental, psychological and financial strains are expected.

Faith. I have ideas of exploring other faith which does not reflect my dissatisfaction with my current religious affiliation. Orange belongs into a different sect so I was hoping he could share his belief with me (well, some of them are really alike).

Family. I don’t know how to help them because of my current position.

And there were stories...

Because of a friend's wedding, everyone was reminded of their singlehood. I really can't believe that our group is a little unlucky when it comes to the matters of heart. Each has their own individual burdens.n_n

Where were we?

What a journey!

A new year has come and I am looking forward in setting things in their proper places. I'm not sure if I started my year right but I have reconciled with my ex about the things that we should have talked about more that a year ago. I'm not looking forward on being with him but I had my stupid little hopes which is not good for me. He has his girlfriend right now and I really think he's happy with her. The feeling of being cheated is still there but not as strong as before because my optimism is automatically highlighting the benefits of us separated than the feeling of me longing for him. In addition, I have also seen her picture in FB and its alright to put a face on the girl that has been my ghost for several months now.

*sigh

I have to do that because I am writing with a heavy heart. The feeling of lost and hurt came over as I unload the things that I already put in the box labeled " MY EX". I've been living in peace since I put that box away but being acquainted with him again and hearing the things he said (and thinking about them all the time) is like scratching a newly closed wound and it hurts like hell. Come to think of it, when I was young, my elders would caution me to rest after the actual recovery from a fever because the "binat" is worst than the fever. I'm not as depressed as before but I am not okay. Hormone fluctuation are also considered.

I should really convince myself of what is obvious: HE'S MOVED ON. I have, but seems to be side tracked for the moment. I have been here, its very familiar and I have won before. Still happy to be back.n_n

Bravery or Stupidity

Its amazing how much you could discover as soon as you take the leap. I discovered how brave I was, and stupid. Then I realized that bravery and stupidity is somehow quite similar. You're brave when you charge even if the outcome is uncertain. You're brave when you take chances. Your brave when you move even if you're unsure. But those things can also be the definitions and characteristics of being stupid.

So, when do you call it bravery and stupidity?

Honestly, I don’t know. All I know is that I act when I feel like it. If I feel and know it is right, I go for it. I like taking chances and leaping into the unknown. I am adventurous. However, the downfall is that I am impulsive. I follow my urges.

But that is my definition of being free. Just living life.


I am free.

After the Rain Tuesday, November 02, 2010 8:50 AM

Congratulations to me!

I went home to Gabaldon feeling sad and blue but now I am positive that I will leave today (or tomorrow depending on the road condition) with hope and ease. Actually, I made peace with myself and the situation last night.

Okay, here's the story:

I came home feeling uneasy on the thought that I might see my monster. I went to my friend's house and she shared news about the monster. Congrats, he passed the board exam, which I have been expecting. He is very determined to be a police officer and I know he will be one. The next news is about the new girl. She's "in-too- deep" already for as stated in their stories, she has been coming home to his house and so is he. Some times, she even stay for days (like now, she's been in his house for a week now. Oh c'mon, let's be realistic here! You know what's happening…n_n). Anyway, I was really bothered by the subsequent stories about his girls even before we broke-up. It seems that my "very faithful, loyal and loving ex" is not so true at all. The truth was he has several encounters with girls even before we broke-up. He has been playing with my feelings after the break-up by not admitting he has girlfriends. He lied.

All these years, he was able to paint a very saintly picture of him, that his love for me is beyond physical appearance (well, I'm not really THAT pretty). Okay lang yan, hindi ka naman mataba. Maganda ka naman. Wag ka nang mag-aayos, magpapaligaw ka ba? I really believed him, I did. Up to the last moment, I decided I want to talk to him, ask him my million WHYs. But when I got home, my mama told me that those WHYs have a single answer: NALOKO AKO. I have been fooled. Why? MANLOLOKO SIYA. Why? Perhaps he's not interested anymore. NALOKO AKO NG MANLOLOKO.

Well, maybe at some point he loved me, but the last part is not, NALOKO NA NGA AKO EH. He will not be sorry because a MANLOLOKO will not apologize. I cannot know for now his main reason but I should let it pass. There's no use bothering myself about THAT MANLOLOKO.

Why are there MANLOLOKOs? Humanness; a part of the diversity of human behavior.

Enough, NALOKO NA AKO.

So… I have to move on. I can move on. I will move on. I have no further business minding him or his life.

Hindi ko pa matanggap ang nagyari kasi naniniwala ako na mabuti siya sa akin, na nagmahal siya sa akin ng totoo, na mahal niya ako. Hanggang naniniwala ako doon, hindi ako makakamove on. Tanggapin ko na nag katotohanan na hindi na kailangan ng expalnation kasi naloko na ako, nagsinungaling na. Hindi ka lolokohin ng taong may concern sayo. Matagal ko na ito dapat tinanggap pero parang ngayon ko lang siya narinig. Gagaling na ang sugat ko, makakalaya na ako.n_n

Chasing Karen…n_n

Sunday, September 26, 2010
1:51 PM

These past few weeks have been hectic, physically and emotionally. I was so happy about the things I had accomplished that produces much-needed self-esteem. I have also been window shopping for potential boyfriends (yeah!) considering my recuperation period. Honestly, I have been enjoying my solitary for some time now which made me think about quite a lot about my life: my mistakes, my blessings and especially, the lessons. But this is not what I want to share for the moment, but the 'specs' of my ideal soon-to-be boyfriend (I'll enjoy this!).

1. He is a THE man. Yup, my stereotype of my man. This is not physical, mind you but the way he carries himself. People around me have the idea that I am attracted to rugged guys (which I think is true). They are so cute because they give you the feeling of security. But of course, most of those guys are attracted to slim sexy girls who needs some kind of protecting (oh crap…). Anyway, I am still allowed to have my ideals, right?

2. He is sensible. It was amazing how two guys talking about the same thing but has totally different effect on me. I have met guys who bored me to death when they talk (or text). It's not really the choice of topic but how the topic is being carried. Pagdadala. There should be spontaneity and fluidity. He can make any topic really interesting.

3. He is in control. I like dominant guys (but not the bossy type). He should be able to show his dominance for me to let down my guard. I have a tendency to intimidate people whom are not able to handle me. I should be able to lean on him in times of needs. But don't get me wrong, he should be also ready to show emotions if he had to. Don’t need that macho man if he'll snap later on because of undisclosed distress (no whiners please!).

4. Finally, he'll let me know or I'll know if its him…n_-. I'm not pretty, not sexy but my soul mate will look pass all of that.

These statements are good for my current state of mind because I may be just missing my ex (not that he posses all 3 characteristics). One of my learning in this experience is that I really don’t have a stable ideal guys I tend to like what I see when I see them. It's all about fate. Perhaps only the last part will remain true all through out: I'll know.

I thank the break-up for letting me discover new aspects of my self which I was missing. I can feel myself now, my individuality, my femininity. I cannot even remember the last time I felt this. Is this the first time?

I Remember

Thursday, October 07, 2010
9:27 PM

I remember the girl, but I cant remember the feelings anymore… Is this familiar? Nah…

I remember the boy and still remember the feeling as if I was living it. I don’t know when will come the time that I could live an hour without him visiting my thoughts. I hate it every time I think about him, anything that is associated with him. Come to think of it, he is not really "the catch" and I know I should've known better to cry over him. People would tell me that he is not really my lost in the end, that many more will come, way better than him. At this point, I can feel that my worth as a woman has come up than before I was with him. The problem with me is that I have equated my with his affection and relationship with me. Any girl should always be guided by their identity and self, not with anyone else.

Well, I hope the best for him. I noticed that the board exam result had came up and I hope that he passed. I know he passed and this will be the start of his uphill climb. He should be able to take life seriously now, and not everything will be easy but he'll manage. He has dreams and the necessary determination to achieve them. I was hoping that I will be the one to share the sweetness of that success but I was found lacking so some other girl is on that position right now. She'll enjoy it.

As for me, I should be able to forgive myself for thinking that I can be the one, that he is the one. I should be able to forgive destiny for wrecking my plans and my dreams. I should be able to forgive myself and let go. Forgive and let go. I have my own struggles and fixing my heart and mind in the past and envying their sweet moments will do me no good. Travel your own path girl and somewhere along that road, you'll find what is right for you, what is meant for you. Live and love. Life goes on.

Revisiting "Pagdadala Model"

Saturday, August 28, 2010
9:26 PM

This week has been particularly heavy for me. I found myself one step forward and two steps backwards. My experience of betrayal and hurt continues to hunt me as I fall into episodes of deep sadness and frustration. I was praying hard to accept and heal and a sign was given...

I was attempting to write a paper about a wife's experience on the husband's unfaithfulness. The 'Burden Bearer's Tale (Pagdadala) is perfect in understanding the unique experience of women facing betrayal and infidelity. I am specifically concern on the journey of forgiveness, moving- on and acceptance. Anyway, while trying to put the puzzle pieces together, I know I will have to revisit and rediscover my own experiences. So, I grabbed my sketch pad and started scribbling my thoughts down. I also revisited the book that changed how I look life: Rehab. Luckily, I decided to bring it home along with the books I intend to read: Management by Culture and Filipino Work Values both by FL Jocano. So I read…

" A burden is something we receive. It is given to us and thus accepted by us. We are not passive bearers because we have choices whether to carry a particular burden or not. Once accepted, the act of burden-bearing starts. Since receiving comes with the interaction of destiny and self, the burden-bearer finds it hard to accept the burden if s/he is not prepared for it.

Path should be chosen to achieve a destination. No matter what, a burden should be brought to the destination, otherwise, the burden-bearer fails the journey. Take note, however, that the burden is not static. Things change as it is carried out through the journey. Sometimes, as it changes, the path and destination is affected making the trip difficult. The worst case scenario here is that the burden is not worth carrying anymore, which can be realized by the bearer him/herself or will be pointed out by others. At this point, the bearer fails. The self, burden and destination is conencted."

Bottomline:

When me and my ex decided to accept the burden of being in a relationship four years ago, we embarked on a journey with 'spending the rest of out lives togethe'r as the final destination. But things changed during the journey and we have to drop it. He did it but I didn’t.

The new status of my relationship with my ex was so sudden that I was hardly even prepared for the separation (though we are not formally bf/gf anymore). Since I am not prepared, I can't accept that I am officially single! The burden of the relationship too great that I have postponed some parts of my life to protect my destructed sense of self that has been connected to him.

It's all about dropping the old destination to continue life. It is really my choice on where to go.n_n. My next destination may not be as clear as before but I'm setting short term goals for the moment. As of now, my earliest goal is to finish my mini paper on Pagdadala, aja!

OR…

This could be hormonal. *sigh -_-

I'm hopeful though…n_n

Negativity...

Whitey. Photo by: KDA

minsan naiisip ko nakakainggit ang pusa... parang walan silang ibang concern kundi food, unlike satin, daming issues.


From time to time, I experience sadness, anxiety, regret, frustration, hurt, guilt, pain and any adjective that describes the feeling of being betrayed. I still cry, during the nights when I feel so alone and cheated, when sadness and emptiness creeps into the darkness as I lay awake. I also cry when I imagine our past, how happy and contented I was with him. Sometimes, I even want to go back in time and perhaps a decision could change the course of history. I also cry when my mind plays the game of anticipation if ever I would see him very happy and in-love with his new girl. But most of all, I cry when I remember how I believed and trusted him, when he broke my heart and was not sorry for doing so.

At this point, I ask, "why me?".There are so many girls out there who seemed to jump from one man to another but still being wanted? There are people whom are honestly loved but doesn’t give a damn. There are people who repel the affection of others. I have given my whole heart to a man that after just a few months of our break-up found another and lied to me about it. I have loved a man whom I accompanied during the lowest points of his life and then dumped me when things went his way. Some even remarked that it is possible that he just used me.

Well, sometimes I really need to cry, to feel the negativity and then react negatively to it. I cant always hide and fight the pain, I want to experience it. This is one of those times.

When will this all go away?

picture uli habang tumatakbo ang motor

yup, picture habang tumatakbo ang mutor.. wahahha.

The Encounter with MONSTER EX...Saturday, August 14, 2010 6:02 PM

What a beautiful day. I decided to go home to face my monster. The whole day passed and I finally saw him, walking to his Saturday church service. I was okay then anxiety crept, my mouth was dry, I was feeling cold and my heart beat faster. To add to my adversary, my cousin told me how they (he and his girlfriend) shared a van ride from Gabaldon to Cabanatuan just last July. To make things interesting, my cousin's boyfriend (which is his cousin too) shared that last December, he went to the family reunion with a girl (if it's the same girl, I don’t know).

Anyway, I comforted myself with my feel-good explanations but my emotion is overwhelming. There, I did it, I cried a little while reminiscing how I was betrayed and how he lied to me, and so on… and luckily, my "switch" turned-on and I started writing.

I know that my process of healing will not be easy. I still feel hurt but eventually thankful to be able to realize my place in this situation. Actually, the feelings are just remnants of betrayal and lies. Perhaps the main reason why I am like this right now is that he never admitted his mistakes, he never said sorry. He never apologized for making me hurt which I believed is just right.

At this point, what I have to admit is that some people will do you harm and will not be sorry for it. Some people may hurt you without knowing how much pain they have caused you. Some people will not be sensitive to your needs. Some people will not admit they have done wrong or caused you any pain. Some people are just mean. People do change, though, and sometimes, they change not for our benefit.

But despite everything, everyone has their own reasons why they do the things they do. We may not like it but they have reasons. One decision can make one person happy while the other cry. Life is really not all-well. And I am having a my fair share of life's complexity. I am also thankful that I have a natural optimistic outlook so despite the hurt I'm feeling, I am able to appreciate the pain.n_n

"I have forgiven you right now but I hope that one day, I may be able to say it with full conviction. I want you to be happy and in the process, heal myself as well. I am thankful for the experience and opportunity to grow because without this situation, I will not learn to be self-reliant. I have also discover the strong and resilient girl with-in me. You may not be destiny but definitely a part of my life. I will forgive but not forget. Someone is out there for me, it may not be you, may not be better than you, butiISfor me. I wish you all the happiness in life. Thank you."

Sunday and Monday...

I went to mass last Sunday and I think I forgot the time when I last attended a service. As expected, I just cried there, thinking how a church full of people can be a very peaceful place for a weary heart. I also appreciated that the songs in this parish are very familiar to me. I've been practically singing those praise songs since the day I could follow a melody.

The pain I am into is not really that obvious, they say that I was really amazing for enduring such emotional distress. Others would fret in this kind of threat but I was chewing my share. Resilience perhaps is a gift of mine that there seemed to be an automatic button that turns on when I feel down and frustrated. It was even remarked that I have been coping well cause despite everything, I can still function well. Of course, I am hurting, I cry from time to time, I have had regrets and frustrations. After that feeling, the switch will be on and I will start feeling relieved and positive again, letting me see the goodness of my experience. I'm just not sure if its okay to be this way but I think as long as it serves me well, it's okay.

But as soon as I entered the church, I started feeling helpless, just like a child would go to his father and crying and telling how a playmate made fun of her (or something). I just cried there, being helpless, enjoying Lord's attention, enjoying His soothing peacefulness. One doctor once said that after everything else is gone, people really resort to a higher power, being that comforts everything. He is my ultimate strength and I really believed that I am loved and cared for by Him in many many ways.

Just a while ago, my ex boyfriend texted me asked me how I was. It was really surreal because the timing. Then it was very unusual because at first, I was very anxious, then, it was relief. I realized that there is not monster anymore. There's nothing to be afraid of, nothing to be frustrated about. The man I fell in love is is no longer in him, he is just not he seemed to be, used to be. I just don’t see him as before and perhaps I was blinded by my love. Welcome to the real world. He is detached, emotionally blunt and shows no remorse on the things he did. Well, nice meeting you too, mister.

I think I can go home now. It’s the beginning of a new day and I am excited.

Some pictures at Baler..n_n

Baler, Aurora Friday, August 06, 2010 8:22 PM

I was in Baler, Aurora from August 2 to 5. We were there to attend/organize/facilitate a psychosocial response to disaster as part of the extension arm of our department. Our station, however, is the secretariat, so we facilitated the registration and documentation. I got my Canon A490 (thanks ma'am Liezl) for that purpose.

The participants were mainly government employees and NGOs who are concern with disaster response like DSWD, PDCC, MDCC, PNP, and others. The workshop is fun and informative. The speaker and trainer somehow brought the light in the participants to organize a psychosocial response team that will coordinate and move when disaster strikes. I met different people with first hand experience in disaster and you will see that they have a different light in their eyes, something that you don’t see everyday.

Another thing about this trip is the place. It is very peaceful; one place you should really go to when you want to relax and unwind. Geographically speaking, one would be afraid to live there once you realize how susceptible to different kinds of natural disaster Aurora is but the beauty of the place seemed to compensate it.

As estimated, it is 252 km from Manila and a 3-hour drive from San Jose. I believe I can ride Ganda to Baler but I have to make some adjustments. First, the tires. It should be suitable for rough roads. Disk breaks should also be installed. I doubt that a 100cc can make it but as we travel, I saw a man riding his Bajaj through the rough terrain so I figured out, maybe a Wave 100 can. But maybe for safety, I outta bring a 125 with disc breaks. PLUS, no riding alone…n_n (for the mean time)

I believe I will be back there. I will visit Baler once more.

Today is July 27 and exactly a month ago after the fateful day of the "Enlightenment". Ahahah, I wanna call the day I saw "them" as the day of "Enlightenment". Okay.

I have never been home since then and I am not planning to any sooner now. I don’t know but it has affected me so much that I postponed some parts of myself. First if the part of myself that love driving home and greeting Gabadon with excitement of happiness. This ma be due to the fact that one thing I love being home is his presence there. And now that I really want to move on from him, I cant go back to the place where he is… But I miss my home and my friends told me that he should not be the primary reasons for my life right now. He has caused me lots and lots of trouble and heartaches and still I am letting him get into me by allowing this fear sink into my bones. Actually, I am afraid that I cannot hold myself if ever I'll see him. I am afraid. When can I go home then?

A few good weeks here in my apartment and I know that somehow I gotta face my monster. I'll give myself a few more deep breaths before facing my biggest fear to date. Let's face it, I have to do this sooner or later and I know that I will run into him at least once during the entire course of my lifetime (or his). It's a small world and I will be prepared. And when that day comes, I am prepared, I will smile and greet him with pride. He will see that I am better off than before that somehow I managed to survive and is now a stronger woman…

I am Karen.

Gabaldon and Me

top: Sawmill
bottom: Arch of Gabaldon, Nueva Ecija

I've been a lover of my hometown for almost all my life. I am never tired of imagining myself giving back to my community. But being a member of the town is not just my connection with Gabaldon. My family history can also be linked to the birth and development of my beloved home.

HISTORY as I knew it…

According to the stories told by my father, there was a Spanish landlord named Sabani who own the entire town (as a part of Laur). Then, when the Americans came, he escaped and eventually the government offered people to settle in that swampy area. Bitulok was also a name for the baranggay for still unverified reasons (the story was interesting, I'll share it later). The government decided to separate Gabaldon from the mother town of Laur and they solicited money to raise funds to build the first municipal hall. They said that the town will be named after whoever donates the biggest amount. There are two strong contenders: Governor Gabaldon and Felipe Buencamino. I was told the Felipe Buencamino was the owner of the Sawmill located in town and is very rich. But it was said that they never asked Don Felipe for donations so Gabaldon won (politics). The town was named Gabaldon.

Another article about this can be found on this page. Although I don’t know the real source of this info...

http://www.facebook.com/pages/gabaldon_nueva-ecija/132469093460679?v=wall&story_fbid=135686556472266&ref=notif&notif_t=feed_comment&rda21936b#!/profile.php?id=100001031721852&v=info&ref=ts

MY FAMILY

Actually, my father's family was among the first settlers in Sawmill. A group of workers from Cabiao, Nueva Ecija to work in the lumber mill. One grandfather of mine was even a scholar of the famous Don Felipe. That barangay was eventually named Sawmill and is one of the first Barrios in town. It was the first barangay to experience electricity because of the power needed by the lumber mills and during family reunions, my aunts and uncles would tell stories on how they grew up in the grace of the mill.

On the other hand, my mother side came from Laur-Bongabon, two nearby municipalities. Since Gabaldon has a fertile land, they eventually started farming. They also built a rice mill. A story shared by my Inang and Tatang about how they changed the way onions are being planted in Gabaldon is a fascinating one.

During their first onion season, the elders saw Tatang planting the onions directly to the soil. They laughed at him teasing him if it would grow ("Tignan lang natin kung maglaman yan" in Iloko). The main practice of onion planting back then was different. They used hay as plots and they do not plant onions directly to the soil (I forgot the term for that practice). But harvest time came and my Tatang had a bountiful one (tumama sa sibuyas) so the next planting season came and almost everyone planted their onions my Tatang's way (which of course is a technology taught to him in his home town in Bongabon).

Hmmm… Honestly, I heard this story just months ago and I was surprised that my Tatang actually played a significant role in the agricultural history of Gabaldon. I said he should be noted for that but of course, its not as simple as that. It also gave me an idea about the oral history. Sir Barroman, a retired history professor, said that one of the best sources of history is the oral tradition. Well, in my part, perhaps documenting my family history based on their "kwentos" can make a difference.

photo from: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=7594&id=100001351360449#!/profile.php?id=100001031721852