Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Scratching Old wounds Thursday, September 01, 2011 3:40 AM



Its so damn cold and I can't seem to get back to sleep so I have to do something about it. Never thought I would write about my ex in these days but some "garamugam moves" (learned this word yesterday) of mine are paying off.

Recently, I have been bothered again by the his memories. This may be due to the fact that my partner in "garamugam moves" has been in Dumaguete for a week now, and communication is really minimal (he has not been texting). I really don’t want to bother him because his primal concern right now is his thesis. He has been my savior from loneliness for months but I have to fend off for my own now. Its really scary, I tell you.

Maybe I was avoiding memories too long that I have forgotten really to deal with them. I have been ignoring my ex's possible connections at FB. We have never talked since May and I have never seen him since, well, I don’t know. So, very brave of me, I started viewing his pictures again, including his gf's. I relished those smiles and facial features, trying to bring back whatever lying dormant in me. Then, I connected with his sister, whom, for the period of our relationship has grown close to me.

Our little chit-chat became a call when I got her number. We talked about our lives after the break-up. We talked about how she thinks I really should move-on because her brother is really happy with his current relationship. Apparently, she converted to his religion and that, I think, has ascended the relationship into the next level. She is really serious in keeping him that she took the leap that I did not take. Lucky her because she can get to keep the man I could not.

I also learned that she has no work at the moment but is planning to fly abroad soon (only waiting for her plane ticket). They will marry maybe after a few years of saving or whatever (I really shouldn't care). Then it hit me, the pain of being alone again… I don’t know if I still love him but I still hold to the fact that I don’t want to be with him.

I was so distraught after the phone call that I never managed to go to class (I applied for a sick leave). I told my chair that I am not okay, which is very true. How can I teach if I am crying. This journal entry is an attempt to console myself by creating structure of what I feel right now.

I even gave her(gf) a message because I really don’t know how to feel okay. I just messaged her about my ordeal with him and other stuffs a current gf would want to know about the past relationship. I said sorry but I also said I must heal. Up to now, I really don't know if I should have done what I did but I think making that connection with her is my way of closure that my ex have not given me. Maybe I wanted her to console me in my ex's behalf by eliciting empathy from her side. I wish it will not create any problem or strain in their relationship but if ever it should, that's another hurdle they should overcome. In some sense, I am her ghost as she is mine.

I am better off this way, because I am not sure if I really could be happy in such a restrained environment, I mean, he has put up conditions that I couldn’t meet, so I have been chosen off. I felt bad for not meeting those criteria that I have been depressed over him, trying to beg him back. Along came a girl who met them but still, I was not giving up. It's like applying for a position already occupied, just being determined if you could get it, one way or another.

I think I am too much of a woman for a guy like him, and being less than what I am or should be, is not a better choice either. I should grow up and in doing so, leave all of my experiences with him behind. The memories and dreams we have shared long ago are no longer applicable to who I am right now. I cannot hold back my own growth just to suit his needs, its just not who I am. More so, I should acknowledge this turn in my life, that I am moving away from what I used to be…. And what I used to be is tied to him and his memories, all promising a secured life. That promise is not mine now, it belongs to another girl who had met his criteria. Obviously, I am holding back because of my stupid neuroticism.

Am I afraid that no other man could want me? Well, yes, because up to now, I have not met another who wanted me as bad as I wanted him (oops, this is another on-going story).

Maybe I just don’t know how to give up. I don’t know why I'm still doing this. Maybe I just don’t want to deal with the fact that I have lost this battle, that another has taken my place. I just don’t met the criteria and the judging was over, so, I should move-on… It's pretty stupid and annoying to stay, really. People are already frustrated about it, I am too, believe me. So what should I do?

1. Live my life normally. No FB spying, no special treatment or connection with his family and or trying to talk to him. I really should let this one go. It’s a heavy drag.
2. Learn to manage my emotions better. This has been my issue for so long now that my only outlet is being depressed (so pathetic). I believe I am very vulnerable and just like what my mom says, I should master this weakness.

I did wrote earlier that I messaged his gf, and at the last part of the note is a "sorry" because I have to contact her. We have nothing to talk about, right? Yeah…I'll not expect any reply from her but I'll accept whatever happens. But when I told her I wish them both happiness, I really meant it… not a trace of bitterness but a road to peace and redemption.

Hopefully, this is it… It's time to pack my bags and move-on for goo