Today is July 27 and exactly a month ago after the fateful day of the "Enlightenment". Ahahah, I wanna call the day I saw "them" as the day of "Enlightenment". Okay.

I have never been home since then and I am not planning to any sooner now. I don’t know but it has affected me so much that I postponed some parts of myself. First if the part of myself that love driving home and greeting Gabadon with excitement of happiness. This ma be due to the fact that one thing I love being home is his presence there. And now that I really want to move on from him, I cant go back to the place where he is… But I miss my home and my friends told me that he should not be the primary reasons for my life right now. He has caused me lots and lots of trouble and heartaches and still I am letting him get into me by allowing this fear sink into my bones. Actually, I am afraid that I cannot hold myself if ever I'll see him. I am afraid. When can I go home then?

A few good weeks here in my apartment and I know that somehow I gotta face my monster. I'll give myself a few more deep breaths before facing my biggest fear to date. Let's face it, I have to do this sooner or later and I know that I will run into him at least once during the entire course of my lifetime (or his). It's a small world and I will be prepared. And when that day comes, I am prepared, I will smile and greet him with pride. He will see that I am better off than before that somehow I managed to survive and is now a stronger woman…

I am Karen.

Gabaldon and Me

top: Sawmill
bottom: Arch of Gabaldon, Nueva Ecija

I've been a lover of my hometown for almost all my life. I am never tired of imagining myself giving back to my community. But being a member of the town is not just my connection with Gabaldon. My family history can also be linked to the birth and development of my beloved home.

HISTORY as I knew it…

According to the stories told by my father, there was a Spanish landlord named Sabani who own the entire town (as a part of Laur). Then, when the Americans came, he escaped and eventually the government offered people to settle in that swampy area. Bitulok was also a name for the baranggay for still unverified reasons (the story was interesting, I'll share it later). The government decided to separate Gabaldon from the mother town of Laur and they solicited money to raise funds to build the first municipal hall. They said that the town will be named after whoever donates the biggest amount. There are two strong contenders: Governor Gabaldon and Felipe Buencamino. I was told the Felipe Buencamino was the owner of the Sawmill located in town and is very rich. But it was said that they never asked Don Felipe for donations so Gabaldon won (politics). The town was named Gabaldon.

Another article about this can be found on this page. Although I don’t know the real source of this info...

http://www.facebook.com/pages/gabaldon_nueva-ecija/132469093460679?v=wall&story_fbid=135686556472266&ref=notif&notif_t=feed_comment&rda21936b#!/profile.php?id=100001031721852&v=info&ref=ts

MY FAMILY

Actually, my father's family was among the first settlers in Sawmill. A group of workers from Cabiao, Nueva Ecija to work in the lumber mill. One grandfather of mine was even a scholar of the famous Don Felipe. That barangay was eventually named Sawmill and is one of the first Barrios in town. It was the first barangay to experience electricity because of the power needed by the lumber mills and during family reunions, my aunts and uncles would tell stories on how they grew up in the grace of the mill.

On the other hand, my mother side came from Laur-Bongabon, two nearby municipalities. Since Gabaldon has a fertile land, they eventually started farming. They also built a rice mill. A story shared by my Inang and Tatang about how they changed the way onions are being planted in Gabaldon is a fascinating one.

During their first onion season, the elders saw Tatang planting the onions directly to the soil. They laughed at him teasing him if it would grow ("Tignan lang natin kung maglaman yan" in Iloko). The main practice of onion planting back then was different. They used hay as plots and they do not plant onions directly to the soil (I forgot the term for that practice). But harvest time came and my Tatang had a bountiful one (tumama sa sibuyas) so the next planting season came and almost everyone planted their onions my Tatang's way (which of course is a technology taught to him in his home town in Bongabon).

Hmmm… Honestly, I heard this story just months ago and I was surprised that my Tatang actually played a significant role in the agricultural history of Gabaldon. I said he should be noted for that but of course, its not as simple as that. It also gave me an idea about the oral history. Sir Barroman, a retired history professor, said that one of the best sources of history is the oral tradition. Well, in my part, perhaps documenting my family history based on their "kwentos" can make a difference.

photo from: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=7594&id=100001351360449#!/profile.php?id=100001031721852

Dreams...

I had a dream last night. I saw everything that I really don't want to see.

In my dream, I was in Gabaldon and I saw ex. When I approached him, His gf approached and I introduced myself. However, I managed to get him alone and tell him how hurt I feel, that he made fun of me and other bitter stuffs. He looked at me without any concern so I finally asked him if he still love mo. Then, his response seemed to be very genuine that I really felt its real. He gave me a slight nod and an expression saying"hindi na eh...". I asked him if "wala na ba talaga?" "oo...". I feel the pain in my dream but I was able to hold it and I told him to love his gf.

I approached the gf and asked her her name which I forgot then I want to tell her to take care of his man and that she landed on a very amazing man, etc. In the end, it seemed that we were very good friends... Hahaha


Then I woke up...

It was just a dream but felt very real. I saw them hugging and kissing, and that felt real... Perhaps the reason why this issue resurfaced is because I was told by a friend that I seemed okay, that I have moved on... Actually, I am okay in the sense that I can function daily, that somehow I was able to control my emotion, to react properly, to manage my thinking and to look forward. There's nothing I could gain if I will cry my heart out and I just want him and myself to be happy. At times, it hurts but it only hurts when I reminisce about the "used to be's" and the "should have been's" but there's really nothing I can do about it. It's really hard and I'll admit that I think about him all the time and it hurts. Hurting is normal for me at least it gives me realizations on where could I go from here.

I want to take this slowly but surely and I am positive that I will love again...n_n.

Berembeng

This is Maeve Dillan Alvarez dela Rosa, my one-year old pamangkin currently in the care of my mom and dad. Though he seemed thin compared to other kids, he is quite resistant to common sickness. he is also very responsive to his environment. Unlike other kids, he did not exhibit much of the hands-to-mouth habit (but the picture suggests that he prefer direct contact with the mouth :)).

At first, we thought he was a preterm baby but the doctor said otherwise.

Anyway, why Berembeng? One thing about having a pregnant family member is the name game. Of course, every parent wants the best possible name that the baby will carry forever. My brother-in-law said it should be Maeve Dillan, from some greek god meaning intoxicator or something (he wanted his kid to be an intoxicator??? yes yes...). On the other hand, I prefer simple names but theyr wouldn't listen. So, me and Chel decided to play a joke on the "very beautiful and unique name" of his. We pull the VE from MAEVE and imagined what cute name can be constructed. Whala!!! Vengveng, Bengbeng!

We were laughing then when Mama gave her witty suggestion: "BEREMBENG!". She likes playing with words a lot (Tam-Tam to Taramtam, Kala to Kala-bube, Bruce Wayne to Brushwang, etc...) Its actually not our fault but my mom's that's why he was called Berembeng...

Then a kitten came into the household and mama gave the name: MERENGMENG!

Look Closer

This picture was taken during the PAPJA convention at La Salle last 2008. However, the exact location of the picture is at the St. Joseph Recolletos Marikina where we stayed for the night.

I came across this picture in my FB when a student tagged a photo of me. I smiled instantly when I saw how I use to be.

Look closer... I have a ring on...XD...

NOT ANYMORE!

After PAntabanagan

Just returned from a weekend of planning and work at Best View Hotel Pantabangan. The place was spectacular with the location overseeing the dam. I feel so close to nature event though it rained throughout our stay (crap…). Originally, I planned to ride with my Ganda (wave 100) to the location but some people had their hesitations (baka umulan, baka maharang ka, babae ka kaya? d-uh!). Anyway, I'm planning to drive there this weekend. Bwahahahahaha! XD. I know the place and very confident that I can handle the dirt road (reminds me of the road to Umiray).

Anyway, the meeting/planning reminds me of the tons of work I SHOULD do. Couldn’t come on a better schedule. I was grieving, don't know if I still am (of course you are!), but it’s a nice time to realize there's more to life than being in-love with a man. Work is a fulfilling thing and the idea that there are things greater than yourself remove particles of frustrations and hurt I feel. I'm not just a girl waiting for someone to marry her, but someone who wants to achieve something in her life. I don’t want to rely on some guy for my self-esteem, better yet, my life direction. For years I've been totally in-love with a boy and all I wanted was to get married. Now, everything is different (aside from the boy is gone), I see a broader horizon now and I think I can be happy with this. Talk about self-love! Ahahaha.

Another thing about being single is that I can eye ANY man guilt-free.XD. (Open season, sale, bargain, etc!) and I really should enjoy this (no choice). Well, to all single ladies out there, let's enjoy life and eventually THAT person will come unexpectedly…n_n

Ang mataba at ang sexy

This is my pic last February. Ang taba-taba ko at ngayon ko lang napansin ang ang taba-taba ko nga pala. I would like to name some difficulties/ inconveniences I experience due to my size.

1. Clothes. Let's face it, shopping for clothes is not as "therapeutic" and fun as it should be. Ang hirap humanap ng stores that offer large sizes. Here in Cabanatuan, only few shops/boutique actually consider having plus size men and women as their costumers. If meron man, medyo mahal ang prizes. I have to order to catalogs and brochures tapos kapag sinuot mo naman ay siguradong may kamukha ka ng damit (like the one I'm wearing right now). Paano kung magkasabay kayo o magkatabi kayo sa jeep? Patay na dun...

There is this one shop at NE pacific and I strated browsing for clothes. I politely asked the sales lady what is the biggest size for a particular dress of my liking. She looked at me from head to toe and said: "ay, sayo? walang kasya". Then she gave me a dress that looks like Inang's duster with a print resembling carpets in old houses. Syet! Ganda pa naman ng name ng store. I was really offended by her comment so I walked away.

Another thing is about the mainstream fashion. Ang mga dalaga at binata ba ngayon ay talagang super papayat? Hmmm... I dunno but I really hate shopping for clothes because I feel really BIG and OUTCAST.

2. Public Vehicles. If you want a faster ride from Cabanatuan to Gabaldon, you can ride the van. and of course, 12 passengers ang sakay nun. One time, may matanda na sasakay (take note, Lolo na talaga siya). He saw me and laught. "ang taba taba mo naman, dapat dalawa ang bayad mo". Nagalit ako at naramdaman ko ang dugo kong pumanhik sa ulo ko. Hindi ko napigilan ang kabastusan ko. "aba, ako na po ang pinakamatabang taong nakita niyo? ang tanda-tanda niyo na ang bastos bastos niyo". (hahahha! I was really bastos at that time). To think that he doesnt know me, he should be careful in making any kind of remarks. Kahit sino naman talaga di ba? Kahit na anong kapintasan. Just shut up is you don't have anything good to say.

3. Media and Guys. Ano pa nga ba ang masasabi ko sa popular media on their stereotype of the "beautiful and fit" di ba? In one commercial, "being fit means more boys". More boys? Ayan, hindi na daw mamahalin ang mga mataba kasi you should be fit. Loosing weight is not just about looking good but being healthy as well. Mas maganda yatang yun ang highlight, hindi yung "pag mataba ka, walang makikipag-date sayo" (na parang totoo).

I had a textmate last November, sundalo. Mabait sa text at sobrang kulit tumawag. Then, nakita niya ako. After non, hindi na ako tinext, AS IN! (Ewan ko kung bakit, pwedeng hindi niya ko type o baka naman nabaril na o nag-asawa or kinuha ng alien, na-rape ng elementals, naging guinea pig ng isang experiment, I dont know). Pero syempre, anong iisipin ko di ba? Better i fhindi na ako mag-isip.

Lately, may crush ako sa FB, then nakita ko yung mga girls na tinitignan niya, mga pretty and sexy at may comments siya (hi, ganda mo naman, sana maging friend kita, ect). Ok, natapos ang pagka-crush ko sa kaniya. I dont know but totoo pa rin ba ang sinasabi ng researches about liking others and falling-in love? Physical attraction first before anything!

Hindi rin ako sure if this is the reason why hiniwalayan ako ng ex ko at ipinagpalit sa iba...

IN THE END...

I still think I'm fat but I started to loose some weight (nagpalit na ako ng size ng damit) pero mataba pa rin naman. I want to stop feeling bitter against people who look at life based on sizes. Sabi ni Sheldon, endomorph daw yung mataba at cheerful at jolly sila kasi unless maging ganoon ka, wala kang magiging friends... Ahahaha, buti na lang obsolete na siya...

Guys, lets just be happy and find people who can accept us no matter what our sizes are...

The thing about falling in-love

Just a while ago, I had my stroll just to unwind and let go of stress. On my way, I saw two young lovers about to walk pass me beside VetMed. They were holding hands, and really, I saw the boy kissed the girl (yes, while walking). Perhaps my footsteps and silhouette has been noticed so they slightly parted and started talking about Math 105 ("oh, ilang beses kang nag-repeat ka Math 105?" "once lang, 2.5" then chuckles from the girl). I'm not sure if that;s the exact transcription but I think the guy has been my student, not sure though. As they pass, I was thinking of a joke that I will say "oy, nakita ko yun" or something like that but, hell, they are kids filled with love(?).

Then, as I pass the University Bleacher (well-known as a dating place in the campus), lovers of different positions (?)form strange shadows (2-4 couples) as they hold each other. Honestly, chills went to my spine as I reminisce the "old days". Then something strange happened: I smiled. ( I thought I would be jealous "been there done that".:)

They say that falling in-love brings back the teen-ager in you. I don't know, but the memory of me being so in-love was a distant one. I trust, however, that as distant the memory has been, there is a future for me out there. It can be unfair to attribute the feeling of being in-love to adolescents only but maybe there is another collection of feelings out there to describe a lasting love...

Weekends

Alone again for the weekend.

Being alone now a days has given me the opportunity to think and re-think my life, my current situation and need.


Waiting or searching?

Same say that I should wait for that knight in shinning armor and every girl has one. Okay. Waiting means staying put and enjoying my current "singleness". With the time I have and opportunities knocking, I should really be able to develop other aspects of my self as well as having the empowerment I need to actually believe that I can do this. I think waiting is not really passive. If I'll be waiting, there is expectation that something will show up or will come, right? There are expectations. and when there's expectations, there can be frustrations.

I'll admit that after everything, I seemed to be reluctant and doubtful about certain things in life (future love, faithfulness, etc). And I think its normal. However, the worst case scenario is that I take this experience a a blow and totally change my view about love and relationship or it can be a lesson to avoid on future relationships...

Hai... This was actually due to my experience last Friday about a guy whom I just met. I was kinda disappointed on the way he acted (given the fact that its the first time we saw each other). Then I thought, "I will bot search, I will wait"!But take note: its the "guy" but not the idea of "meeting other people that pissed me off.

On the contrary, active searching can have its own benefits too. If I will take an active part in "looking" fot potential victims or lovers, rather (ehehe), its likely that I'll have one sooner or later. But the sole idea of searching is tiring and frustrating itself. Just my example earlier, turning down one man from another is not a fun job. yes, everyone is a potential candidate but I just dont like it when things dont go the way I expect them to be.

I dont know what to do but I'll try my best to divert my attention and energy away from this thought! Good luck!

"There's more to life than having someone to call your 'mahal, honey, bebe, etc."

Almost after a year

I want to write anything, just anything.

I was thinking about my recent activity with my ex. A moment away from my hometown, not being there is actually helping me cope with anything I am feeling. The scene that Sunday afternoon kept on rewinding over and over again and people are telling me to stop thinking, caring or bothering myself about them.

Why?

1. We are not lovers anymore. We broke up last October and been in the rocks before I perish (I like that description) last week. Hmm.. Could I have brought everything to myself? I mean, could this be my fault. I kept coming to his house, texting him. Well, he should've said STOP! Will he really push me away? One friend told me that I really should consider the possibility that he has been trying to avoid me but I kept on coming. He can't push me because its "ungentlemanly" so, the rest was history.
2. But I was trying to avoid him and its not that he is not allowed to fall in-love with other girls that’s why I kept on asking if he has a girlfriend ( which he constantly denied until last Sunday). If I just knew he has a girl, I could have avoided him, had a boyfriend for myself too, ehehehe.
3. I don’t want to be the victim! Am I really the victim? I just believed him and got hurt. Okay, I don’t know if I'm really the victim here but I feel like one. So now I really feel like a victim but I'll fight, definitely. I will not be left out. Just gonna go out there and fly!
4. He lied alright, but I just want to move-on. There's really nothing to do about it at this point. Will I just stay here and bleed my heart out or go out there and show everyone the fighter in me?
5. Everybody hurts, everybody cries (The Corrs) and I'm just having my fair share. Sometimes I ask myself, why can't I just ne like other girls with their seemingly peaceful relationship… I can name a few but who knows right? A few years ago, perhaps, other girls envy me because of my relationship with my ex.
6. The man for me is out there or if he's not, I'll be happy with the things I have. Gotta stay positive, happy and focused.n_n

Alone at Brownout pa

It's past 8:00 pm and there's no power. I;m alone here in the apartment because at this point, Gabaldon is not a pleasant place for me.

Anyway, I've been strolling around the campus lately. Apartment, then liko sa Auditorium, diretso sa Educ-CAs, Vetmed, Oval then balik dito apartment. Dadaan pa sana ako sa RET kaso medyo papaulan at may naiwan naman akong sinampay.

Habang naglalakad ako, hindi ko mapigil an ikumpara ang campus sa UP. sa UP kasi, nung pumunta kami, talagang ang daming nag-wa-walking, jogging, bike. Although may mga naglalaro sa oval at tennis court, lonley pa rin ang maglakad sa campus. I wish students discover the benefits of walks around the campus. Nakatulong ito ng malaki when I was writing my discussions. Hmmm... baka naman kasi maghapon na naglalakad ang mga studenst kaya hindi na nila kailangang mag-walking pa sa hapon? pwede rin... Anyway, there's nothing like a quite stroll in the afternoon. Careful lang kasi may mga lugar na hindi safe kapag madilim na.

Well, kahit gabi at mag-isa ako dito sa apartment, feeling ko naman hinaharana ako nung katapat kong apartment, kanina pa sila nag-co-concert eh. In fairness, maganda ang mag kanta nila and they never fail to amuse us everytime, buti na lang, ehehhe...

Isang Paglilinaw

The purpose of this blog is for me to "let-out" things in my chest. This is also a venue for my thoughts and insights about life. Nagkataon lang kasi na ang issue ko ngayon ay ang recent bitter break-up ko with my ex. Salamat sa mga nag-comment at nakikisimpatiya pero gaya nga ng sinasabi ko, this is my blog and from my own point of view. Since I'm the one writing this, this is from my perception, my opinion, my feelings and I'm writing what I want.

As much as possible, I want everything to be from my genuine experience so I'm saying what is true of me. It's not my intention to hurt anyone, I just want some things to be said.