Bravery or Stupidity

Its amazing how much you could discover as soon as you take the leap. I discovered how brave I was, and stupid. Then I realized that bravery and stupidity is somehow quite similar. You're brave when you charge even if the outcome is uncertain. You're brave when you take chances. Your brave when you move even if you're unsure. But those things can also be the definitions and characteristics of being stupid.

So, when do you call it bravery and stupidity?

Honestly, I don’t know. All I know is that I act when I feel like it. If I feel and know it is right, I go for it. I like taking chances and leaping into the unknown. I am adventurous. However, the downfall is that I am impulsive. I follow my urges.

But that is my definition of being free. Just living life.


I am free.

After the Rain Tuesday, November 02, 2010 8:50 AM

Congratulations to me!

I went home to Gabaldon feeling sad and blue but now I am positive that I will leave today (or tomorrow depending on the road condition) with hope and ease. Actually, I made peace with myself and the situation last night.

Okay, here's the story:

I came home feeling uneasy on the thought that I might see my monster. I went to my friend's house and she shared news about the monster. Congrats, he passed the board exam, which I have been expecting. He is very determined to be a police officer and I know he will be one. The next news is about the new girl. She's "in-too- deep" already for as stated in their stories, she has been coming home to his house and so is he. Some times, she even stay for days (like now, she's been in his house for a week now. Oh c'mon, let's be realistic here! You know what's happening…n_n). Anyway, I was really bothered by the subsequent stories about his girls even before we broke-up. It seems that my "very faithful, loyal and loving ex" is not so true at all. The truth was he has several encounters with girls even before we broke-up. He has been playing with my feelings after the break-up by not admitting he has girlfriends. He lied.

All these years, he was able to paint a very saintly picture of him, that his love for me is beyond physical appearance (well, I'm not really THAT pretty). Okay lang yan, hindi ka naman mataba. Maganda ka naman. Wag ka nang mag-aayos, magpapaligaw ka ba? I really believed him, I did. Up to the last moment, I decided I want to talk to him, ask him my million WHYs. But when I got home, my mama told me that those WHYs have a single answer: NALOKO AKO. I have been fooled. Why? MANLOLOKO SIYA. Why? Perhaps he's not interested anymore. NALOKO AKO NG MANLOLOKO.

Well, maybe at some point he loved me, but the last part is not, NALOKO NA NGA AKO EH. He will not be sorry because a MANLOLOKO will not apologize. I cannot know for now his main reason but I should let it pass. There's no use bothering myself about THAT MANLOLOKO.

Why are there MANLOLOKOs? Humanness; a part of the diversity of human behavior.

Enough, NALOKO NA AKO.

So… I have to move on. I can move on. I will move on. I have no further business minding him or his life.

Hindi ko pa matanggap ang nagyari kasi naniniwala ako na mabuti siya sa akin, na nagmahal siya sa akin ng totoo, na mahal niya ako. Hanggang naniniwala ako doon, hindi ako makakamove on. Tanggapin ko na nag katotohanan na hindi na kailangan ng expalnation kasi naloko na ako, nagsinungaling na. Hindi ka lolokohin ng taong may concern sayo. Matagal ko na ito dapat tinanggap pero parang ngayon ko lang siya narinig. Gagaling na ang sugat ko, makakalaya na ako.n_n

Chasing Karen…n_n

Sunday, September 26, 2010
1:51 PM

These past few weeks have been hectic, physically and emotionally. I was so happy about the things I had accomplished that produces much-needed self-esteem. I have also been window shopping for potential boyfriends (yeah!) considering my recuperation period. Honestly, I have been enjoying my solitary for some time now which made me think about quite a lot about my life: my mistakes, my blessings and especially, the lessons. But this is not what I want to share for the moment, but the 'specs' of my ideal soon-to-be boyfriend (I'll enjoy this!).

1. He is a THE man. Yup, my stereotype of my man. This is not physical, mind you but the way he carries himself. People around me have the idea that I am attracted to rugged guys (which I think is true). They are so cute because they give you the feeling of security. But of course, most of those guys are attracted to slim sexy girls who needs some kind of protecting (oh crap…). Anyway, I am still allowed to have my ideals, right?

2. He is sensible. It was amazing how two guys talking about the same thing but has totally different effect on me. I have met guys who bored me to death when they talk (or text). It's not really the choice of topic but how the topic is being carried. Pagdadala. There should be spontaneity and fluidity. He can make any topic really interesting.

3. He is in control. I like dominant guys (but not the bossy type). He should be able to show his dominance for me to let down my guard. I have a tendency to intimidate people whom are not able to handle me. I should be able to lean on him in times of needs. But don't get me wrong, he should be also ready to show emotions if he had to. Don’t need that macho man if he'll snap later on because of undisclosed distress (no whiners please!).

4. Finally, he'll let me know or I'll know if its him…n_-. I'm not pretty, not sexy but my soul mate will look pass all of that.

These statements are good for my current state of mind because I may be just missing my ex (not that he posses all 3 characteristics). One of my learning in this experience is that I really don’t have a stable ideal guys I tend to like what I see when I see them. It's all about fate. Perhaps only the last part will remain true all through out: I'll know.

I thank the break-up for letting me discover new aspects of my self which I was missing. I can feel myself now, my individuality, my femininity. I cannot even remember the last time I felt this. Is this the first time?

I Remember

Thursday, October 07, 2010
9:27 PM

I remember the girl, but I cant remember the feelings anymore… Is this familiar? Nah…

I remember the boy and still remember the feeling as if I was living it. I don’t know when will come the time that I could live an hour without him visiting my thoughts. I hate it every time I think about him, anything that is associated with him. Come to think of it, he is not really "the catch" and I know I should've known better to cry over him. People would tell me that he is not really my lost in the end, that many more will come, way better than him. At this point, I can feel that my worth as a woman has come up than before I was with him. The problem with me is that I have equated my with his affection and relationship with me. Any girl should always be guided by their identity and self, not with anyone else.

Well, I hope the best for him. I noticed that the board exam result had came up and I hope that he passed. I know he passed and this will be the start of his uphill climb. He should be able to take life seriously now, and not everything will be easy but he'll manage. He has dreams and the necessary determination to achieve them. I was hoping that I will be the one to share the sweetness of that success but I was found lacking so some other girl is on that position right now. She'll enjoy it.

As for me, I should be able to forgive myself for thinking that I can be the one, that he is the one. I should be able to forgive destiny for wrecking my plans and my dreams. I should be able to forgive myself and let go. Forgive and let go. I have my own struggles and fixing my heart and mind in the past and envying their sweet moments will do me no good. Travel your own path girl and somewhere along that road, you'll find what is right for you, what is meant for you. Live and love. Life goes on.

Revisiting "Pagdadala Model"

Saturday, August 28, 2010
9:26 PM

This week has been particularly heavy for me. I found myself one step forward and two steps backwards. My experience of betrayal and hurt continues to hunt me as I fall into episodes of deep sadness and frustration. I was praying hard to accept and heal and a sign was given...

I was attempting to write a paper about a wife's experience on the husband's unfaithfulness. The 'Burden Bearer's Tale (Pagdadala) is perfect in understanding the unique experience of women facing betrayal and infidelity. I am specifically concern on the journey of forgiveness, moving- on and acceptance. Anyway, while trying to put the puzzle pieces together, I know I will have to revisit and rediscover my own experiences. So, I grabbed my sketch pad and started scribbling my thoughts down. I also revisited the book that changed how I look life: Rehab. Luckily, I decided to bring it home along with the books I intend to read: Management by Culture and Filipino Work Values both by FL Jocano. So I read…

" A burden is something we receive. It is given to us and thus accepted by us. We are not passive bearers because we have choices whether to carry a particular burden or not. Once accepted, the act of burden-bearing starts. Since receiving comes with the interaction of destiny and self, the burden-bearer finds it hard to accept the burden if s/he is not prepared for it.

Path should be chosen to achieve a destination. No matter what, a burden should be brought to the destination, otherwise, the burden-bearer fails the journey. Take note, however, that the burden is not static. Things change as it is carried out through the journey. Sometimes, as it changes, the path and destination is affected making the trip difficult. The worst case scenario here is that the burden is not worth carrying anymore, which can be realized by the bearer him/herself or will be pointed out by others. At this point, the bearer fails. The self, burden and destination is conencted."

Bottomline:

When me and my ex decided to accept the burden of being in a relationship four years ago, we embarked on a journey with 'spending the rest of out lives togethe'r as the final destination. But things changed during the journey and we have to drop it. He did it but I didn’t.

The new status of my relationship with my ex was so sudden that I was hardly even prepared for the separation (though we are not formally bf/gf anymore). Since I am not prepared, I can't accept that I am officially single! The burden of the relationship too great that I have postponed some parts of my life to protect my destructed sense of self that has been connected to him.

It's all about dropping the old destination to continue life. It is really my choice on where to go.n_n. My next destination may not be as clear as before but I'm setting short term goals for the moment. As of now, my earliest goal is to finish my mini paper on Pagdadala, aja!

OR…

This could be hormonal. *sigh -_-

I'm hopeful though…n_n

Negativity...

Whitey. Photo by: KDA

minsan naiisip ko nakakainggit ang pusa... parang walan silang ibang concern kundi food, unlike satin, daming issues.


From time to time, I experience sadness, anxiety, regret, frustration, hurt, guilt, pain and any adjective that describes the feeling of being betrayed. I still cry, during the nights when I feel so alone and cheated, when sadness and emptiness creeps into the darkness as I lay awake. I also cry when I imagine our past, how happy and contented I was with him. Sometimes, I even want to go back in time and perhaps a decision could change the course of history. I also cry when my mind plays the game of anticipation if ever I would see him very happy and in-love with his new girl. But most of all, I cry when I remember how I believed and trusted him, when he broke my heart and was not sorry for doing so.

At this point, I ask, "why me?".There are so many girls out there who seemed to jump from one man to another but still being wanted? There are people whom are honestly loved but doesn’t give a damn. There are people who repel the affection of others. I have given my whole heart to a man that after just a few months of our break-up found another and lied to me about it. I have loved a man whom I accompanied during the lowest points of his life and then dumped me when things went his way. Some even remarked that it is possible that he just used me.

Well, sometimes I really need to cry, to feel the negativity and then react negatively to it. I cant always hide and fight the pain, I want to experience it. This is one of those times.

When will this all go away?

picture uli habang tumatakbo ang motor

yup, picture habang tumatakbo ang mutor.. wahahha.

The Encounter with MONSTER EX...Saturday, August 14, 2010 6:02 PM

What a beautiful day. I decided to go home to face my monster. The whole day passed and I finally saw him, walking to his Saturday church service. I was okay then anxiety crept, my mouth was dry, I was feeling cold and my heart beat faster. To add to my adversary, my cousin told me how they (he and his girlfriend) shared a van ride from Gabaldon to Cabanatuan just last July. To make things interesting, my cousin's boyfriend (which is his cousin too) shared that last December, he went to the family reunion with a girl (if it's the same girl, I don’t know).

Anyway, I comforted myself with my feel-good explanations but my emotion is overwhelming. There, I did it, I cried a little while reminiscing how I was betrayed and how he lied to me, and so on… and luckily, my "switch" turned-on and I started writing.

I know that my process of healing will not be easy. I still feel hurt but eventually thankful to be able to realize my place in this situation. Actually, the feelings are just remnants of betrayal and lies. Perhaps the main reason why I am like this right now is that he never admitted his mistakes, he never said sorry. He never apologized for making me hurt which I believed is just right.

At this point, what I have to admit is that some people will do you harm and will not be sorry for it. Some people may hurt you without knowing how much pain they have caused you. Some people will not be sensitive to your needs. Some people will not admit they have done wrong or caused you any pain. Some people are just mean. People do change, though, and sometimes, they change not for our benefit.

But despite everything, everyone has their own reasons why they do the things they do. We may not like it but they have reasons. One decision can make one person happy while the other cry. Life is really not all-well. And I am having a my fair share of life's complexity. I am also thankful that I have a natural optimistic outlook so despite the hurt I'm feeling, I am able to appreciate the pain.n_n

"I have forgiven you right now but I hope that one day, I may be able to say it with full conviction. I want you to be happy and in the process, heal myself as well. I am thankful for the experience and opportunity to grow because without this situation, I will not learn to be self-reliant. I have also discover the strong and resilient girl with-in me. You may not be destiny but definitely a part of my life. I will forgive but not forget. Someone is out there for me, it may not be you, may not be better than you, butiISfor me. I wish you all the happiness in life. Thank you."

Sunday and Monday...

I went to mass last Sunday and I think I forgot the time when I last attended a service. As expected, I just cried there, thinking how a church full of people can be a very peaceful place for a weary heart. I also appreciated that the songs in this parish are very familiar to me. I've been practically singing those praise songs since the day I could follow a melody.

The pain I am into is not really that obvious, they say that I was really amazing for enduring such emotional distress. Others would fret in this kind of threat but I was chewing my share. Resilience perhaps is a gift of mine that there seemed to be an automatic button that turns on when I feel down and frustrated. It was even remarked that I have been coping well cause despite everything, I can still function well. Of course, I am hurting, I cry from time to time, I have had regrets and frustrations. After that feeling, the switch will be on and I will start feeling relieved and positive again, letting me see the goodness of my experience. I'm just not sure if its okay to be this way but I think as long as it serves me well, it's okay.

But as soon as I entered the church, I started feeling helpless, just like a child would go to his father and crying and telling how a playmate made fun of her (or something). I just cried there, being helpless, enjoying Lord's attention, enjoying His soothing peacefulness. One doctor once said that after everything else is gone, people really resort to a higher power, being that comforts everything. He is my ultimate strength and I really believed that I am loved and cared for by Him in many many ways.

Just a while ago, my ex boyfriend texted me asked me how I was. It was really surreal because the timing. Then it was very unusual because at first, I was very anxious, then, it was relief. I realized that there is not monster anymore. There's nothing to be afraid of, nothing to be frustrated about. The man I fell in love is is no longer in him, he is just not he seemed to be, used to be. I just don’t see him as before and perhaps I was blinded by my love. Welcome to the real world. He is detached, emotionally blunt and shows no remorse on the things he did. Well, nice meeting you too, mister.

I think I can go home now. It’s the beginning of a new day and I am excited.

Some pictures at Baler..n_n

Baler, Aurora Friday, August 06, 2010 8:22 PM

I was in Baler, Aurora from August 2 to 5. We were there to attend/organize/facilitate a psychosocial response to disaster as part of the extension arm of our department. Our station, however, is the secretariat, so we facilitated the registration and documentation. I got my Canon A490 (thanks ma'am Liezl) for that purpose.

The participants were mainly government employees and NGOs who are concern with disaster response like DSWD, PDCC, MDCC, PNP, and others. The workshop is fun and informative. The speaker and trainer somehow brought the light in the participants to organize a psychosocial response team that will coordinate and move when disaster strikes. I met different people with first hand experience in disaster and you will see that they have a different light in their eyes, something that you don’t see everyday.

Another thing about this trip is the place. It is very peaceful; one place you should really go to when you want to relax and unwind. Geographically speaking, one would be afraid to live there once you realize how susceptible to different kinds of natural disaster Aurora is but the beauty of the place seemed to compensate it.

As estimated, it is 252 km from Manila and a 3-hour drive from San Jose. I believe I can ride Ganda to Baler but I have to make some adjustments. First, the tires. It should be suitable for rough roads. Disk breaks should also be installed. I doubt that a 100cc can make it but as we travel, I saw a man riding his Bajaj through the rough terrain so I figured out, maybe a Wave 100 can. But maybe for safety, I outta bring a 125 with disc breaks. PLUS, no riding alone…n_n (for the mean time)

I believe I will be back there. I will visit Baler once more.

Today is July 27 and exactly a month ago after the fateful day of the "Enlightenment". Ahahah, I wanna call the day I saw "them" as the day of "Enlightenment". Okay.

I have never been home since then and I am not planning to any sooner now. I don’t know but it has affected me so much that I postponed some parts of myself. First if the part of myself that love driving home and greeting Gabadon with excitement of happiness. This ma be due to the fact that one thing I love being home is his presence there. And now that I really want to move on from him, I cant go back to the place where he is… But I miss my home and my friends told me that he should not be the primary reasons for my life right now. He has caused me lots and lots of trouble and heartaches and still I am letting him get into me by allowing this fear sink into my bones. Actually, I am afraid that I cannot hold myself if ever I'll see him. I am afraid. When can I go home then?

A few good weeks here in my apartment and I know that somehow I gotta face my monster. I'll give myself a few more deep breaths before facing my biggest fear to date. Let's face it, I have to do this sooner or later and I know that I will run into him at least once during the entire course of my lifetime (or his). It's a small world and I will be prepared. And when that day comes, I am prepared, I will smile and greet him with pride. He will see that I am better off than before that somehow I managed to survive and is now a stronger woman…

I am Karen.

Gabaldon and Me

top: Sawmill
bottom: Arch of Gabaldon, Nueva Ecija

I've been a lover of my hometown for almost all my life. I am never tired of imagining myself giving back to my community. But being a member of the town is not just my connection with Gabaldon. My family history can also be linked to the birth and development of my beloved home.

HISTORY as I knew it…

According to the stories told by my father, there was a Spanish landlord named Sabani who own the entire town (as a part of Laur). Then, when the Americans came, he escaped and eventually the government offered people to settle in that swampy area. Bitulok was also a name for the baranggay for still unverified reasons (the story was interesting, I'll share it later). The government decided to separate Gabaldon from the mother town of Laur and they solicited money to raise funds to build the first municipal hall. They said that the town will be named after whoever donates the biggest amount. There are two strong contenders: Governor Gabaldon and Felipe Buencamino. I was told the Felipe Buencamino was the owner of the Sawmill located in town and is very rich. But it was said that they never asked Don Felipe for donations so Gabaldon won (politics). The town was named Gabaldon.

Another article about this can be found on this page. Although I don’t know the real source of this info...

http://www.facebook.com/pages/gabaldon_nueva-ecija/132469093460679?v=wall&story_fbid=135686556472266&ref=notif&notif_t=feed_comment&rda21936b#!/profile.php?id=100001031721852&v=info&ref=ts

MY FAMILY

Actually, my father's family was among the first settlers in Sawmill. A group of workers from Cabiao, Nueva Ecija to work in the lumber mill. One grandfather of mine was even a scholar of the famous Don Felipe. That barangay was eventually named Sawmill and is one of the first Barrios in town. It was the first barangay to experience electricity because of the power needed by the lumber mills and during family reunions, my aunts and uncles would tell stories on how they grew up in the grace of the mill.

On the other hand, my mother side came from Laur-Bongabon, two nearby municipalities. Since Gabaldon has a fertile land, they eventually started farming. They also built a rice mill. A story shared by my Inang and Tatang about how they changed the way onions are being planted in Gabaldon is a fascinating one.

During their first onion season, the elders saw Tatang planting the onions directly to the soil. They laughed at him teasing him if it would grow ("Tignan lang natin kung maglaman yan" in Iloko). The main practice of onion planting back then was different. They used hay as plots and they do not plant onions directly to the soil (I forgot the term for that practice). But harvest time came and my Tatang had a bountiful one (tumama sa sibuyas) so the next planting season came and almost everyone planted their onions my Tatang's way (which of course is a technology taught to him in his home town in Bongabon).

Hmmm… Honestly, I heard this story just months ago and I was surprised that my Tatang actually played a significant role in the agricultural history of Gabaldon. I said he should be noted for that but of course, its not as simple as that. It also gave me an idea about the oral history. Sir Barroman, a retired history professor, said that one of the best sources of history is the oral tradition. Well, in my part, perhaps documenting my family history based on their "kwentos" can make a difference.

photo from: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=7594&id=100001351360449#!/profile.php?id=100001031721852

Dreams...

I had a dream last night. I saw everything that I really don't want to see.

In my dream, I was in Gabaldon and I saw ex. When I approached him, His gf approached and I introduced myself. However, I managed to get him alone and tell him how hurt I feel, that he made fun of me and other bitter stuffs. He looked at me without any concern so I finally asked him if he still love mo. Then, his response seemed to be very genuine that I really felt its real. He gave me a slight nod and an expression saying"hindi na eh...". I asked him if "wala na ba talaga?" "oo...". I feel the pain in my dream but I was able to hold it and I told him to love his gf.

I approached the gf and asked her her name which I forgot then I want to tell her to take care of his man and that she landed on a very amazing man, etc. In the end, it seemed that we were very good friends... Hahaha


Then I woke up...

It was just a dream but felt very real. I saw them hugging and kissing, and that felt real... Perhaps the reason why this issue resurfaced is because I was told by a friend that I seemed okay, that I have moved on... Actually, I am okay in the sense that I can function daily, that somehow I was able to control my emotion, to react properly, to manage my thinking and to look forward. There's nothing I could gain if I will cry my heart out and I just want him and myself to be happy. At times, it hurts but it only hurts when I reminisce about the "used to be's" and the "should have been's" but there's really nothing I can do about it. It's really hard and I'll admit that I think about him all the time and it hurts. Hurting is normal for me at least it gives me realizations on where could I go from here.

I want to take this slowly but surely and I am positive that I will love again...n_n.

Berembeng

This is Maeve Dillan Alvarez dela Rosa, my one-year old pamangkin currently in the care of my mom and dad. Though he seemed thin compared to other kids, he is quite resistant to common sickness. he is also very responsive to his environment. Unlike other kids, he did not exhibit much of the hands-to-mouth habit (but the picture suggests that he prefer direct contact with the mouth :)).

At first, we thought he was a preterm baby but the doctor said otherwise.

Anyway, why Berembeng? One thing about having a pregnant family member is the name game. Of course, every parent wants the best possible name that the baby will carry forever. My brother-in-law said it should be Maeve Dillan, from some greek god meaning intoxicator or something (he wanted his kid to be an intoxicator??? yes yes...). On the other hand, I prefer simple names but theyr wouldn't listen. So, me and Chel decided to play a joke on the "very beautiful and unique name" of his. We pull the VE from MAEVE and imagined what cute name can be constructed. Whala!!! Vengveng, Bengbeng!

We were laughing then when Mama gave her witty suggestion: "BEREMBENG!". She likes playing with words a lot (Tam-Tam to Taramtam, Kala to Kala-bube, Bruce Wayne to Brushwang, etc...) Its actually not our fault but my mom's that's why he was called Berembeng...

Then a kitten came into the household and mama gave the name: MERENGMENG!

Look Closer

This picture was taken during the PAPJA convention at La Salle last 2008. However, the exact location of the picture is at the St. Joseph Recolletos Marikina where we stayed for the night.

I came across this picture in my FB when a student tagged a photo of me. I smiled instantly when I saw how I use to be.

Look closer... I have a ring on...XD...

NOT ANYMORE!

After PAntabanagan

Just returned from a weekend of planning and work at Best View Hotel Pantabangan. The place was spectacular with the location overseeing the dam. I feel so close to nature event though it rained throughout our stay (crap…). Originally, I planned to ride with my Ganda (wave 100) to the location but some people had their hesitations (baka umulan, baka maharang ka, babae ka kaya? d-uh!). Anyway, I'm planning to drive there this weekend. Bwahahahahaha! XD. I know the place and very confident that I can handle the dirt road (reminds me of the road to Umiray).

Anyway, the meeting/planning reminds me of the tons of work I SHOULD do. Couldn’t come on a better schedule. I was grieving, don't know if I still am (of course you are!), but it’s a nice time to realize there's more to life than being in-love with a man. Work is a fulfilling thing and the idea that there are things greater than yourself remove particles of frustrations and hurt I feel. I'm not just a girl waiting for someone to marry her, but someone who wants to achieve something in her life. I don’t want to rely on some guy for my self-esteem, better yet, my life direction. For years I've been totally in-love with a boy and all I wanted was to get married. Now, everything is different (aside from the boy is gone), I see a broader horizon now and I think I can be happy with this. Talk about self-love! Ahahaha.

Another thing about being single is that I can eye ANY man guilt-free.XD. (Open season, sale, bargain, etc!) and I really should enjoy this (no choice). Well, to all single ladies out there, let's enjoy life and eventually THAT person will come unexpectedly…n_n

Ang mataba at ang sexy

This is my pic last February. Ang taba-taba ko at ngayon ko lang napansin ang ang taba-taba ko nga pala. I would like to name some difficulties/ inconveniences I experience due to my size.

1. Clothes. Let's face it, shopping for clothes is not as "therapeutic" and fun as it should be. Ang hirap humanap ng stores that offer large sizes. Here in Cabanatuan, only few shops/boutique actually consider having plus size men and women as their costumers. If meron man, medyo mahal ang prizes. I have to order to catalogs and brochures tapos kapag sinuot mo naman ay siguradong may kamukha ka ng damit (like the one I'm wearing right now). Paano kung magkasabay kayo o magkatabi kayo sa jeep? Patay na dun...

There is this one shop at NE pacific and I strated browsing for clothes. I politely asked the sales lady what is the biggest size for a particular dress of my liking. She looked at me from head to toe and said: "ay, sayo? walang kasya". Then she gave me a dress that looks like Inang's duster with a print resembling carpets in old houses. Syet! Ganda pa naman ng name ng store. I was really offended by her comment so I walked away.

Another thing is about the mainstream fashion. Ang mga dalaga at binata ba ngayon ay talagang super papayat? Hmmm... I dunno but I really hate shopping for clothes because I feel really BIG and OUTCAST.

2. Public Vehicles. If you want a faster ride from Cabanatuan to Gabaldon, you can ride the van. and of course, 12 passengers ang sakay nun. One time, may matanda na sasakay (take note, Lolo na talaga siya). He saw me and laught. "ang taba taba mo naman, dapat dalawa ang bayad mo". Nagalit ako at naramdaman ko ang dugo kong pumanhik sa ulo ko. Hindi ko napigilan ang kabastusan ko. "aba, ako na po ang pinakamatabang taong nakita niyo? ang tanda-tanda niyo na ang bastos bastos niyo". (hahahha! I was really bastos at that time). To think that he doesnt know me, he should be careful in making any kind of remarks. Kahit sino naman talaga di ba? Kahit na anong kapintasan. Just shut up is you don't have anything good to say.

3. Media and Guys. Ano pa nga ba ang masasabi ko sa popular media on their stereotype of the "beautiful and fit" di ba? In one commercial, "being fit means more boys". More boys? Ayan, hindi na daw mamahalin ang mga mataba kasi you should be fit. Loosing weight is not just about looking good but being healthy as well. Mas maganda yatang yun ang highlight, hindi yung "pag mataba ka, walang makikipag-date sayo" (na parang totoo).

I had a textmate last November, sundalo. Mabait sa text at sobrang kulit tumawag. Then, nakita niya ako. After non, hindi na ako tinext, AS IN! (Ewan ko kung bakit, pwedeng hindi niya ko type o baka naman nabaril na o nag-asawa or kinuha ng alien, na-rape ng elementals, naging guinea pig ng isang experiment, I dont know). Pero syempre, anong iisipin ko di ba? Better i fhindi na ako mag-isip.

Lately, may crush ako sa FB, then nakita ko yung mga girls na tinitignan niya, mga pretty and sexy at may comments siya (hi, ganda mo naman, sana maging friend kita, ect). Ok, natapos ang pagka-crush ko sa kaniya. I dont know but totoo pa rin ba ang sinasabi ng researches about liking others and falling-in love? Physical attraction first before anything!

Hindi rin ako sure if this is the reason why hiniwalayan ako ng ex ko at ipinagpalit sa iba...

IN THE END...

I still think I'm fat but I started to loose some weight (nagpalit na ako ng size ng damit) pero mataba pa rin naman. I want to stop feeling bitter against people who look at life based on sizes. Sabi ni Sheldon, endomorph daw yung mataba at cheerful at jolly sila kasi unless maging ganoon ka, wala kang magiging friends... Ahahaha, buti na lang obsolete na siya...

Guys, lets just be happy and find people who can accept us no matter what our sizes are...

The thing about falling in-love

Just a while ago, I had my stroll just to unwind and let go of stress. On my way, I saw two young lovers about to walk pass me beside VetMed. They were holding hands, and really, I saw the boy kissed the girl (yes, while walking). Perhaps my footsteps and silhouette has been noticed so they slightly parted and started talking about Math 105 ("oh, ilang beses kang nag-repeat ka Math 105?" "once lang, 2.5" then chuckles from the girl). I'm not sure if that;s the exact transcription but I think the guy has been my student, not sure though. As they pass, I was thinking of a joke that I will say "oy, nakita ko yun" or something like that but, hell, they are kids filled with love(?).

Then, as I pass the University Bleacher (well-known as a dating place in the campus), lovers of different positions (?)form strange shadows (2-4 couples) as they hold each other. Honestly, chills went to my spine as I reminisce the "old days". Then something strange happened: I smiled. ( I thought I would be jealous "been there done that".:)

They say that falling in-love brings back the teen-ager in you. I don't know, but the memory of me being so in-love was a distant one. I trust, however, that as distant the memory has been, there is a future for me out there. It can be unfair to attribute the feeling of being in-love to adolescents only but maybe there is another collection of feelings out there to describe a lasting love...

Weekends

Alone again for the weekend.

Being alone now a days has given me the opportunity to think and re-think my life, my current situation and need.


Waiting or searching?

Same say that I should wait for that knight in shinning armor and every girl has one. Okay. Waiting means staying put and enjoying my current "singleness". With the time I have and opportunities knocking, I should really be able to develop other aspects of my self as well as having the empowerment I need to actually believe that I can do this. I think waiting is not really passive. If I'll be waiting, there is expectation that something will show up or will come, right? There are expectations. and when there's expectations, there can be frustrations.

I'll admit that after everything, I seemed to be reluctant and doubtful about certain things in life (future love, faithfulness, etc). And I think its normal. However, the worst case scenario is that I take this experience a a blow and totally change my view about love and relationship or it can be a lesson to avoid on future relationships...

Hai... This was actually due to my experience last Friday about a guy whom I just met. I was kinda disappointed on the way he acted (given the fact that its the first time we saw each other). Then I thought, "I will bot search, I will wait"!But take note: its the "guy" but not the idea of "meeting other people that pissed me off.

On the contrary, active searching can have its own benefits too. If I will take an active part in "looking" fot potential victims or lovers, rather (ehehe), its likely that I'll have one sooner or later. But the sole idea of searching is tiring and frustrating itself. Just my example earlier, turning down one man from another is not a fun job. yes, everyone is a potential candidate but I just dont like it when things dont go the way I expect them to be.

I dont know what to do but I'll try my best to divert my attention and energy away from this thought! Good luck!

"There's more to life than having someone to call your 'mahal, honey, bebe, etc."

Almost after a year

I want to write anything, just anything.

I was thinking about my recent activity with my ex. A moment away from my hometown, not being there is actually helping me cope with anything I am feeling. The scene that Sunday afternoon kept on rewinding over and over again and people are telling me to stop thinking, caring or bothering myself about them.

Why?

1. We are not lovers anymore. We broke up last October and been in the rocks before I perish (I like that description) last week. Hmm.. Could I have brought everything to myself? I mean, could this be my fault. I kept coming to his house, texting him. Well, he should've said STOP! Will he really push me away? One friend told me that I really should consider the possibility that he has been trying to avoid me but I kept on coming. He can't push me because its "ungentlemanly" so, the rest was history.
2. But I was trying to avoid him and its not that he is not allowed to fall in-love with other girls that’s why I kept on asking if he has a girlfriend ( which he constantly denied until last Sunday). If I just knew he has a girl, I could have avoided him, had a boyfriend for myself too, ehehehe.
3. I don’t want to be the victim! Am I really the victim? I just believed him and got hurt. Okay, I don’t know if I'm really the victim here but I feel like one. So now I really feel like a victim but I'll fight, definitely. I will not be left out. Just gonna go out there and fly!
4. He lied alright, but I just want to move-on. There's really nothing to do about it at this point. Will I just stay here and bleed my heart out or go out there and show everyone the fighter in me?
5. Everybody hurts, everybody cries (The Corrs) and I'm just having my fair share. Sometimes I ask myself, why can't I just ne like other girls with their seemingly peaceful relationship… I can name a few but who knows right? A few years ago, perhaps, other girls envy me because of my relationship with my ex.
6. The man for me is out there or if he's not, I'll be happy with the things I have. Gotta stay positive, happy and focused.n_n

Alone at Brownout pa

It's past 8:00 pm and there's no power. I;m alone here in the apartment because at this point, Gabaldon is not a pleasant place for me.

Anyway, I've been strolling around the campus lately. Apartment, then liko sa Auditorium, diretso sa Educ-CAs, Vetmed, Oval then balik dito apartment. Dadaan pa sana ako sa RET kaso medyo papaulan at may naiwan naman akong sinampay.

Habang naglalakad ako, hindi ko mapigil an ikumpara ang campus sa UP. sa UP kasi, nung pumunta kami, talagang ang daming nag-wa-walking, jogging, bike. Although may mga naglalaro sa oval at tennis court, lonley pa rin ang maglakad sa campus. I wish students discover the benefits of walks around the campus. Nakatulong ito ng malaki when I was writing my discussions. Hmmm... baka naman kasi maghapon na naglalakad ang mga studenst kaya hindi na nila kailangang mag-walking pa sa hapon? pwede rin... Anyway, there's nothing like a quite stroll in the afternoon. Careful lang kasi may mga lugar na hindi safe kapag madilim na.

Well, kahit gabi at mag-isa ako dito sa apartment, feeling ko naman hinaharana ako nung katapat kong apartment, kanina pa sila nag-co-concert eh. In fairness, maganda ang mag kanta nila and they never fail to amuse us everytime, buti na lang, ehehhe...

Isang Paglilinaw

The purpose of this blog is for me to "let-out" things in my chest. This is also a venue for my thoughts and insights about life. Nagkataon lang kasi na ang issue ko ngayon ay ang recent bitter break-up ko with my ex. Salamat sa mga nag-comment at nakikisimpatiya pero gaya nga ng sinasabi ko, this is my blog and from my own point of view. Since I'm the one writing this, this is from my perception, my opinion, my feelings and I'm writing what I want.

As much as possible, I want everything to be from my genuine experience so I'm saying what is true of me. It's not my intention to hurt anyone, I just want some things to be said.

Recollection

Makikita niyo sa mga posts ang ilang parts ng journal ko during my summer vacation. Lahat po ng may date at time, yun yung mga yun... unedited po kaya pasensya na...n_n

Friday, April 30, 2010 10:08 AM

Kinausap ko uli siya at sinabi ko na pinapawalan ko na siya. Sinabi ko rin na tutulungan ko na ang sarili ko para naman hindi siya mahirapan.

Kaya ko ito, very optimistic ako na makaka-move on ako. Masakit pero kakayanin naman. Tutal, magkaibigan naman kami, at kahit na alam kong hindi na niya ako mahal, okay lang dahil darating na din ako sa puntong ganoon pagdating ng panahon.

Hindi kami pwedeng magsama ng matagal kasi lumalalim yung usapan namin at nauuwi sa mga bagay na nauulit, tapos mag-aaway na naman kami. Kaya dapat alam ko kung hanggang saan lang ang pwede kong itanong at hindi itanong sa kaniya. Mahirap talaga pero ngayon mas malinaw na sakin kung ano ang mga gagawin ko. Medyo mahirap kasi hindi biro at mawawalan na talaga ng puwang ang mga bagy bagay na hindi importante sa ngayon.

Hindi ako nagagalit sa kaniya. Kaibigan ko siya. Sabi niya, kapag nakakarinig siya ng mga bali-balita, ginagawa niyang galit. Ayoko ng ganon, mabigat kasing dalhin ang galit eh, mabigat. Gusto kong magpatawad at magparaya. Gusto kong maging masaya.

Friday, April 30, 2010 10:08 AM

Kinausap ko uli siya at sinabi ko na pinapawalan ko na siya. Sinabi ko rin na tutulungan ko na ang sarili ko para naman hindi siya mahirapan.

Kaya ko ito, very optimistic ako na makaka-move on ako. Masakit pero kakayanin naman. Tutal, magkaibigan naman kami, at kahit na alam kong hindi na niya ako mahal, okay lang dahil darating na din ako sa puntong ganoon pagdating ng panahon.

Hindi kami pwedeng magsama ng matagal kasi lumalalim yung usapan namin at nauuwi sa mga bagay na nauulit, tapos mag-aaway na naman kami. Kaya dapat alam ko kung hanggang saan lang ang pwede kong itanong at hindi itanong sa kaniya. Mahirap talaga pero ngayon mas malinaw na sakin kung ano ang mga gagawin ko. Medyo mahirap kasi hindi biro at mawawalan na talaga ng puwang ang mga bagy bagay na hindi importante sa ngayon.

Hindi ako nagagalit sa kaniya. Kaibigan ko siya. Sabi niya, kapag nakakarinig siya ng mga bali-balita, ginagawa niyang galit. Ayoko ng ganon, mabigat kasing dalhin ang galit eh, mabigat. Gusto kong magpatawad at magparaya. Gusto kong maging masaya.

Thursday, April 29, 2010 12:08 PM

Nakakatakot kung lagi mong aniisip ang mga pwedeng mangyari. Just a while ago, naiisip ko paano kong haharapin if makitang kong happy na siya with a prettier woman. Maiinsecure ako, syempre. Natatakot ako na baka habang buhay ko nang dalhin itong sakin na ito. Pano kung isang araw nakita ko, sweet sweet pa nila? Ano gagawin ko? Iiyak na lang ba ako? Ang sakit sakit siguro…

Pero kung lagi lagi naman kasi nating iniisip yung future, baka praning na lahat. Siguro eto pinakamahirap na part sa moving -on: anticipation. Kung anu-ano kasi naiisip mo na pwedeng mangyari na hindi lang naman exclusive sa love life eh. Actually, sa lahat ng bagay pwede kang mag-anticipate eh: may trabaho pa kaya ako after a year, may bahay pa kaya kami, lulubog na ba ang gabaldon, global warming, plus 3 degrees, plus 30 ft. of sea level, magugunaw na ang mundo, masasagasaan ako mamaya, babangungutin ako mamayang gabi… ano ba pinagkaiba noon sa makikita ko si roy with his new gf? Same lang din yun.

Iniisip ko, bakit ba kasi big deal na big deal sakin ang break up na to? Dahil ako ang iniwanan? So what? Ok nag yun kasi at least hindi ko na kailanganga magconvert at icomlicate ang mga bagay bagay sa family ko. Pride? Ego? Biggest sin yan. Alam mo kung ano yung masakit? Nung sinabi niya na WALA NA, TAPOS NA, HULI NA ANG LAHAT, HINDI KA BA NAKAKAINTINDI? Wow, parang telenovela, ehehe. Tulunagn ko naman daw sarili ko kasi gusto din niyang mag-move on. Gusto lang niyang mapag-isa. Ako din, I think I need time for myself. Marami akong gustong gawin at pangarap na mas importante kesa sa pagmumukmok ko sa isang relasyon na wala na, patay na.

Thursday, April 29, 2010 6:56 AM

Yup, true, hes been trying to move on, at sabi nga niya, yun ang gusto niya. Pinapairapan ko siya by not helping myself move on too. Gusto din niyang magsimula. Kung masakit daw sakin, nasasaktan din siya. Well, maraming balita na may babae daw siya. Anyway, before nagka gf daw siya after naming magbreak. Tatlo, hahaha.

Nagising ako na nalulungkot. Siguro eto na ang simula ng depression na hinahanap hanap ko. Napanginipan ko pa nag siya eh. Well, at least malinaw na sakin na talagang wala na kaming pag-asa, nawalan na siya ng pagmamahal sa akin dahil sa mga nangyari. HHmmmm… bakit kaya ganun, may mga pagsubok na kung titignan ay dapat makakapagpalakas sa relasyon ng dalawang tao, but instead, yung isa lang ang lumakas, yung isa lang ang lalong nagmahal, yung isa lang ang tumibay, samantalang yung isa wala, nawala, nalunod.

Masakit na sa tagal tagal ng aming nilakbay ay ako lang ang nakaahon sa pampang, hindi ko na siya kasama. Ano ngayon ang gaggawin ko? Bababybayin ang ilog para hanapin siya? Nakaahon din siya pero sa ibang pampang na, at hahanap na siya ng kung sino man ang nanduduon para naman makasama niya sa sarili niyang paglalakbay. Ako, maghihintay ba ako at maiiwan sa pampang na dapat ay ahunan naming dalawa at tumangis na lang dahil hindi siya nakaahon? Matagal tagal na rin ako nandito sa lugar na ito, masakit ang mga alaala. Masakit talaga pero kailangan ko na yatang tumalikod at magsimulang lumakad mag-isa. Sa paglalakbay n aito, hindi naman talaga ako mag-isa, nariyan ang pamilya, ang kaibigan, mga kasama na handang umalalay. Hindi man sila nasa same context ng paglalakbay but nililingon-lingon nila ako, tinatawag twag para lumakad na. kailangan ko lang marealize na hindi ito byaheng mag-isa. Na in the first place hindi naman si Roy lang ang kasama ko, siya lang kasi ang lagi kong tinitignan, meron pa sa kaliwa, si Chel, sa harap, si Mama at Dade, sa likod, mga kaibigan. Marami, isa nga lang ang nalagas. Hindi naman ako mag-iisa. Meron pa sa taas.

Natutuwa lang ako dahil nagising akoing malungkot. Inaasahan ko ito matagal na at ngayon ko lang naranasan. Sana ay magtuloy-tuloy na tungo sa paglakad at pag-ahon. :)

Saturday, April 10, 2010 10:48 PM

" dito ka na umupo. Ang taba-taba mo na. Sa sususnod na kita natin at pumayat ka, ililibre kita ng pamasahe"
"Pwede ko bang kunin number mo? Smart ka ba?"
" Pinaramdam mo sakin yung pinaramdam sakin ni Eloisa, masakit"
"Mahal ko"
"Mahal na mahal din kita." Love you love you. Love me love me?"
"hinihintay nga kitang mauntog eh. Baka kasi nabibigla ka lang"
:tinitignan ko yung picture mo, may inahin na ako"
"Bakit ba kasi binibilang mo, para kasing matatapos eh"
"Mahal ko, sorry na. Hindi na kita uli bibiruin ng ganun"
"Tigre si sir eh. Hindi niya kasi naranasang maging teacher si sir"
"Hinding hindi tayo maghihiwalay"
"Maka-graduate lang ako pakakasalan kita. Relax ka lang jan"
"Hindi kita ititira kay mame."
"pakakasalan kita sa lahat ng kapilya"
"Hala mahal ko, namiss kita"
"nung time na yun hirap na hirap akong naghahanap ng bulaklak mo tapos ang iniisip mo pala eh i-break na ako"
"wag mong tanungin sakin yan, baka hindi mo magustuhan yung sagot ko"
"siguro makita pa lang kita tatakbo na ako palapit sayo"
"ewan ko"
"hindi ko pa iniisip yan. Marami pa akong gustong gawin"
"binata naman ako ah"
"bakit sakin mo sinasabi yan"
"nakakabigat ka sakin"

Saturday, April 10, 2010 10:29 PM

Last Thursday, April 6, 2010, Roy and I finally made our break-up official. At first, I think I can handle it perfectly since I think I have been expecting this to happen anyway. But as days pass realizing that he is not "mine" (sort-off) anymore is a little strange, alien at some point.

Yes, I am hurting deep inside. Others are constantly telling me that its for the best because lots of the features in our relationship are not compatible in the first place(e.g.. Religion). They say that he is not worth it, that I am pretty (?), young and with many opportunities; that I can still find love with other guys. But honestly, its not helping a bit. I just cant help but feel sorry for myself, asking questions, blaming my personality for screwing my love. Perhaps I deserve this. I admit that I am not a good girlfriend, there are times that I think I am really hard on him, giving him pressures on our relationships. I guess its too late to repair things of all the things said and done. What hurt most is the idea that he is happier now that I am gone.

"Ano ba ang lagay ng relasyon natin??"

"ewan ko, hindi ko alam"

"eh kasi ang labo-labo eh. Gusto ko lang na maayos na'tp kung maaayos pa."

Nagpalakad-lakad pabalik-balik. Naiiyak na ako

"ano bang gusto mong malaman?"

"mahal mo pa ba ako?"

"syempre. Hindi naman na mawawala yun."

Ngumiti ako. Relieved.

"pero wag ka sanang magagalit-"

Kinabahan ako

"kasi nitong nakaraang mga buwan, grabe yung pinagdaanan ko. Sumuot ako sa butas ng aspili-"

Aspili, baka karayom?

"aspili, hindi karayom ha. Walang nang butas yon pero ganun yung pinagdaanan ko para lang maka-graduate. Napakarami kong naging problema'

"pero ngayon, ayan, ga-graduate ka na"

"oo, pero ang hirap ng pinagdaanan ko. Siguro kung hindi -----"

Hindi ko na matandaan itong part na ito

"Hindi naman sa binabalewala kita pero, siguro, sabihin na nating makasarili ako pero gusto ko yata munang sarili ko muna ang intindihin ko. Yung wala akong ibang pinoproblema kundi yung sarili ko"

"naiintindihan kita. So ano, maghihiwalay na ba tayo?"

"kung ako lang, mas gusto ko yung ganito"

"so break na nga tayo?"

Hindi ko na matandaan pero feeling ko manhid ako nung time na yun. Para ngang tanggap na tanggap ko nung gabi na yun eh. Hindi ko na mahanap yung pakiramdam ko nung gabi na yun kasi ngayon ko palang nararamdaman na ang sakit sakit pala. Kung ngayon ko nararamdaman yung nararamdamn ko nung gaboi na yun, hidni siguro ako pumayag na maghiwalay kami. Umiyak siguro ako ng sobra sobra, humagulgol, nagmakaawa, nagalit, lahat lahat na.

Sunday, January 10, 2010 7:47 PM

My relationship with him has grown from bad to worse. He gave me today's date as a deadline on his verdict regarding the state of our affair. I waited anxiously for January 10 to come and now I am here. No messages, no phone call, no visit. What is that suppose to mean? Earlier, I learned that his grandfather was taken to the community hospital and his mother is selling "things" just to get by perhaps. I think its ok if he'll miss his verdict regarding our relationship. Like what he used to say, he is very confused right now thinking about many things (I don’t know if I am included). Hmmmm… I am hurt and anxious. Both of my celphones are beside me now, hoping it will beep delivering a message from an unknown number. I don’t know but I am waiting. I am constantly feeling inadequate because of his absence. I guess I have to expect the worst right now: no message from him will come tonight or tomorrow night or any other night for the rest of the week, month/s…years….OH BULLSHIT!

Pagkukumpara

Dala ng katatapos kong karansan at habang naiisip ko ang bagong kasintahan ng aking ex-boyriend, hindi ko mapigil ang magkumpara at magtanong. Mas maganda ba siya sa akin? (yata). Siguradong mas payat naman sakin. Mas matangkad sakin. Mas makinis sa akin. Mas maganda ang buhok sakin. Mas mabait kaya siya?(may bait nga ba ako? Ehehe) Mas masarap ba siyang kausap? Mas maalaga kaya? Mas malambing? At kung anu-anong pagkukumpara hanggang sa mapraning na ako. Habang pinahihirapan ko ang sarili ko sa pag-iisip ng mga ito, biglang naitanung ko kung kailangan nga ba ng pagkukumpara.

Naniniwala ako na ang bawat bagay sa ating buhay ay may kani-kaniyang halaga batay sa ating pagkakasubok sa mga ito. Naniniwala din ako na hinding hindi magiging parehas ang pagtingin ng dalawang tao ukol sa isang bagay o sitwasyon. Subjectivity, eka nga. Ang isang bagay na maganda at maayos sa paningin ko ay maaaring panget at masagwa sa paningin ng iba. Ang aking batayan ng kagandahan ay maaaring hindi batayan ng iba.

Dahil sa pagtanggap ko sa panilawanag na ang lahat ng bagay, sitwasyon o tao ay may kani-kaniyang katangian, ibinababa ko na ang sukdulang pagkukumpara ko sa sarili ko at sa bagong girlfriend ng ex ko. Syempre masakit na makikita mong physically, mas maganda siya sayo at wala naman akong ibang mailaban kundi ang ilang bagay na nakamit na palagay ko ay wala siya. Pero kung hanggang dito na lang ang magiging pagtingin ko sa sitwasyon, hindi nga ako makakaalis sa insecurity na sa tingin ko ay hindi nakakatulong sa pagbangon mula sa karanasang ito. Oo, sabihin na nating pwedeng niloko niya ako o nagsinungaling siya sa akin na ah, baka kaya niya ako pinagpalit dito ay mas maganda at mas sexy (malusog po ako, ehehhe), hidni ko rin tinatanggal na may mga bagay na ako ang nagdulot kung bakit nabaling ang pagtingin niya mula sa akin patungo sa babaeng iyon. Kung ano man iyon, tanungin po natin ang ex ko pero ayaw ko nang magbigay ng kahulugan.

Bilang may panimula sa pag-aaral ukol sa pag-uugali, kilos at pag-iisip ng tao, mayroon akong tendency na talagang magbigya ng interpretasyon sa mga bagay bagay sa paligid ko. Pati mga aksyon at ginagawa nila ay napupuna ko. Sa puntong ito, ayaw ko. Pinahihirapan ko ang sarili ko sa mga bagay na hindi ko alam. Tapos na kami, ex na ako at naniniwala ako na darating ang para sa akin. Gusto kong tanggapin ang karansang ito bilang sa kung ano ito. Nais kong tanggapin na wala na kami at sa ngayon, ayaw kong isipin ang kung ano mang pag-asa para sa aming dalawa. Pagod na ako sa kaniya at marami pa akong dapat isaalang-alang na mas mahalaga.

Sigurado ako na mayroon akong mga katangian an higit sa kaniya at mayroon din siyang higit sa akin depende sa kung anong panukat ka sisilip. Sa kabila ng lahat, isa lamang ang sinisiguro ko, ano man ang mangyari, hinding hindi ko mamaliitin ang sarili ko dahil sa pangyayaring ito. Hinding hindi ko titingnan ang sarili ko bilang may kakulangan dahil lamang sa ginawa niya. Hinding hindi ako manliliit sa harap nilang dalawa kundi dapat pa nga akong maging higit na masaya kung masaya sila. Unfair naman kung nagmumukmok ka tapos sila hindi, di ba? Sabi nga ng t-shirt “THINK ABOUT YOURSELF FOR A CHANGE”.

Isang Paghinga

I was inspired to blog my not-so-happy relationship with my ex. This can be an eye opener for girls out there to constantly smell that treasured cheese of yours (Who Moved my Cheese?). Please note that the events and opinions expressed here were based on my own point of view and memory.

It started with a strong physical attraction on my part as I sat beside him during an early morning van ride from Gabaldon to Cabanatuan. Normally, I would take the Sunday ride back to my school but that day was different. Suddenly I decided to have an early morning trip because of a symposium. On his part, he was actually late for the first trip so he settled for the next van to go. Talk about fate.

“Oh, dito ka na umupo. Ang taba-taba mo naman na. Sa susunod na magkita tayo at pumayat ka na, ililibre kita.”

He was a former classmate from my elementary years and was a schoolmate at the local high school.

That’s what he said as I settle on the seat beside him. I was kinda happy to be next to him because of the attraction I was feeling. I felt giddy. I even imagined having him as a boyfriend already (hahaha, assuming). We had a chat about our elementary life and how our fathers are actually best of friends! (no kidding). Secretly , I was asking for a sign, that if he’ll ask my number, he’ll be my boyfriend. And he did!

We parted in Cabanatuan City because he was then a freshman taking up BS Criminology while I was in my junior year. I already declared I found my new boyfriend and as expected, we became officially “mag-on” on the night of September 10, 2006 (thru text, ehehhe). Our first date was a week after in my school and we were happy.

When I told Mama that he was courting me, she showed sign of disapproval at first but I justified my decision to accept him on the grounds that I am a Psych student, and a psych major should be able to understand other people better. Likewise, Dade also disapproved because of his high school background (which he first handedly witnessed) but it didn’t matter to me. I was actually proud to announce that he was my boyfriend.

Months passed and bit by bit, we discovered each other’s personality. Our first year as a couple was the sweetest. He never failed to amuse me with his behavior. Everything about him seemed to be the characteristic of my ideal man, except for one thing: religion. At first, we thought we should try to understand each other’s conflicting view on the nature of God, heavens, etc. But nothing was resolved because both of us are deeply rooted in our own beliefs. But no one wanted to give way. I decided I should be the one to change religions but it didn’t really look like a serious decision at that time. It’s hard to give up matters of spirituality especially if that religion is also the center of your family’s relationship.

My undergraduate thesis had a huge impact on how I see life. My study talked about depressed women having hard times because they did not enjoyed their single life. I suddenly felt the need to break-up with him. He was at the end of his sophomore year when I started contemplating about the “cool-off” thing. There was this feeling of being stuck with him and since I was about to graduate, I felt that there were many things I should do first and that I was better off without him. But concerned people especially my Mama said that I should take it easy. “Hayaan mo lang na nandiyan siya…”

I graduated and had a call for an office job at Cabanatuan City which I readily accepted because of the thought of being closer to him. Those were the most intimate moments of our relationship. But after three months, I resigned and accepted a job offer in Manila which parted me from him and my family. It lasted for a month but I was almost always travelling back to Cabanatuan just to see him (see how love sick I was?).

Then I accepted a job at Nueva Ecija and we were still happy. In fact, because of the position I was given in the university, we were already planning our future together. We were already exploring the possibilities of where he’ll be assigned if ever he’ll be an officer, where we will be building our house and so on. It seemed all happily ever after. And I was only 21.

Our 3^rd year together was approaching and a strain started to come into our relationship. He was taking his senior year and schedules for duty were hectic. He was the kind of boyfriend who would readily give his attention thus making me feel so important. At one point, I actually believed that I was the most important part of his life and I was very confident about it. But perhaps the pressure to graduate and physical exhaustion on his part changed his reaction to my “addiction”. I was puzzled why he started to get mad at me unlike before. Because of that, I even increased my tantrums only to seek more attention which made him even more frustrated because of my reactions.

Suddenly, something changed. One day, just I felt something was different, so I asked him. He felt the same and the question of religion resurfaced. He said that if I will not convert to his religion, we should just call it off. I agreed thinking that we should end it before it was too painful to break away from the relationship. The break-up was so tiring and we were both crying. But then, somehow I knew his reactions are quite not the same as before.

The first weeks were filled with him calling me telling me that he cannot let go of me just yet and he’s doing this so I will have no suitors yet. Then, less and less text messages and calls came until none. I started to be frustrated and worried. At that time, I was letting my parents know that I will convert to his religion but it doesn’t mean that I will renounce my religion. I’ll just convert for him.

Bottom line: I want us to get back together. I started visiting him at his dorm frequently but he seemed relieved without me. I was hurt and I would cry and he don’t want me crying so I learned not to cry in front of him. Little by little, he drifted away, like a ghost. The guy I knew seemed like a dream… as if not even alive in that body. He said that he is in tough times that I should just leave him be then we’ll sort things out after his duty. His duty ended and I was waiting, he said after his thesis, then there was death in the family, then the manuscript: still nothing from him.

It was early April and I still don’t know if he’ll be graduating. I heard from a friend and I went to him asking what happened. He said that he’s happy without me but that doesn’t mean that he don’t care for me. “Nakakabigat ka kasi sakin. ANg dami kong pinagdaanan na kung kasama kita, baka hindi ko nakaya.”

It was a blow, and I decided to leave him be. There are rumors that he has a girlfriend who visits him at his house and it just devastates me. I remember, sometime on February when his grandfather died, I went to the wake and he introduced me as his girlfriend to his relatives. The next night, I went again and he’s not there. Luckily, I have ___, one of his buddies also waiting for him. From 9:00 pm to 1:00 am we waited and he did not showed. ___ told me to let him go because of the things happening to me. It’s just wasn’t worth it. But when I asked him about that incident, he just said that he’s in the neighbor with his drinking pals. Some friends and neighbors said that he has a girl that night and he hides her from me. But since I know he is not capable of doing that kind of deception to me, I refused to believe.

Middle of April, we had a huge confrontation that mimics a scene from a drama series (really!) we were shouting, crying and telling each other how frustrated we are. Then I realized he has fallen out of love, so I said I will let him go. No matter what I do, it’s just not enough for him to take me back. It’s time to move on so I bade him good bye. However, we assured each other that we would still be friends. He even assured me that if ever he’ll have someone new, I’ll be informed. On the contrary, he doesn’t want to know if ever I’ll be dating other guys.

Early May, I was starting to feel okay without him. I just don’t want to be depressed. Then he started texting again asking me how I am, inquiring about my whereabouts: practically just nosing around my life again. I resisted at first but I can’t deny my heart’s desire to be reunited with him. Although I feel safer to be being with him, I maintained a distance emotionally (so I thought) by not talking about getting back with him but instead just being with him. I am happy and I think he’s enjoying my company as well. It’s like the old days but without the endearment, “I love yous” and “I miss yous” . He asked another time off from our shared time together because he has to review for his up-coming board exam on August. It fine with me. He even said that we can do whatever we want (going for a joy ride at Pantabangan, watching movies, ect. ) after the board exam. He even set our next date on August, before the exam as a lucky charm for the test. It’s sweet. I can’t deny my heart is leaping with the thought of getting back together after the exams.

Fateful day of June 27, 2010: Rosalyn and Ely’s wedding day. I went home to attend the occasion. Past 1:00 pm, my friend Majo, has to return home for a trip so I went with her because my motorcycle was parked at their yard. Before going back to the wedding, I decided I should pay him a visit and I turned towards his house. As I approach his house, I noticed that the door is open. “Ayos, may tao”. I parked, and went up the house. I was surprised to see his mother but since I’m familiar to the family, I’m comfortable. I made “mano” and she noticed my cold hands.

“Bakit ka nandito?”

“Napadaan lang po ako kasi kinasal po yung kabarkada ko eh naghatid po ako jan sa kanto kaya dumaan na po ako dito”

I saw a girl sitting not a far, holding Roy’s phone playing Nature’s Park (the sound…ehehe).

“Oh, bakit pumunta ka”

“Oh? Di ka nagtetetext. Hindi mo sinasagot yung tawag ko”

Then he pointed the girl.

“Nga pala, girlfriend ko”

I froze. “Eh? Hindi nga?”

“Oo nga.” Then he removed the ganging towel covering my view towards the girl.

“Oh, hi…” I said cheerfully. She just gave me a damp smile and continued her game. At first I thought it was a joke but he’s not. Roy looks nervous and I was losing my head. (just typing this part makes me feel cold and shake at the same time).

I think she’s taller than me, plain, simple, slim (the normal body) and straight hair. I can’t remember her face but I think she’s pretty.

“ah, pwede bang dun tayo sa baba?” I asked Roy.

“girlfriend mo ba talaga yun?”

“oo nga”

I shake. My heart is racing. I don’t know what to do.

“mahal mo ba siya?”

“oo naman/syempre naman mahal ko yun”

“shit”

I want to cry. Still shaking and palpitating.

“taga saan yun”

“dun”

“ganu na kayo katagal”

“nun”

(sorry, I can’t make out this part. It’s a problem with emotional memory, it gets altered easily especially if its emotionally relevant)

“hala, niloko mo ako”

He made his “ayan-ka –na-naman” gesture and like an obedient pet, I stopped. To the last point, I was under his power.

Then I excused myself and drove home…