Isang Paghinga

I was inspired to blog my not-so-happy relationship with my ex. This can be an eye opener for girls out there to constantly smell that treasured cheese of yours (Who Moved my Cheese?). Please note that the events and opinions expressed here were based on my own point of view and memory.

It started with a strong physical attraction on my part as I sat beside him during an early morning van ride from Gabaldon to Cabanatuan. Normally, I would take the Sunday ride back to my school but that day was different. Suddenly I decided to have an early morning trip because of a symposium. On his part, he was actually late for the first trip so he settled for the next van to go. Talk about fate.

“Oh, dito ka na umupo. Ang taba-taba mo naman na. Sa susunod na magkita tayo at pumayat ka na, ililibre kita.”

He was a former classmate from my elementary years and was a schoolmate at the local high school.

That’s what he said as I settle on the seat beside him. I was kinda happy to be next to him because of the attraction I was feeling. I felt giddy. I even imagined having him as a boyfriend already (hahaha, assuming). We had a chat about our elementary life and how our fathers are actually best of friends! (no kidding). Secretly , I was asking for a sign, that if he’ll ask my number, he’ll be my boyfriend. And he did!

We parted in Cabanatuan City because he was then a freshman taking up BS Criminology while I was in my junior year. I already declared I found my new boyfriend and as expected, we became officially “mag-on” on the night of September 10, 2006 (thru text, ehehhe). Our first date was a week after in my school and we were happy.

When I told Mama that he was courting me, she showed sign of disapproval at first but I justified my decision to accept him on the grounds that I am a Psych student, and a psych major should be able to understand other people better. Likewise, Dade also disapproved because of his high school background (which he first handedly witnessed) but it didn’t matter to me. I was actually proud to announce that he was my boyfriend.

Months passed and bit by bit, we discovered each other’s personality. Our first year as a couple was the sweetest. He never failed to amuse me with his behavior. Everything about him seemed to be the characteristic of my ideal man, except for one thing: religion. At first, we thought we should try to understand each other’s conflicting view on the nature of God, heavens, etc. But nothing was resolved because both of us are deeply rooted in our own beliefs. But no one wanted to give way. I decided I should be the one to change religions but it didn’t really look like a serious decision at that time. It’s hard to give up matters of spirituality especially if that religion is also the center of your family’s relationship.

My undergraduate thesis had a huge impact on how I see life. My study talked about depressed women having hard times because they did not enjoyed their single life. I suddenly felt the need to break-up with him. He was at the end of his sophomore year when I started contemplating about the “cool-off” thing. There was this feeling of being stuck with him and since I was about to graduate, I felt that there were many things I should do first and that I was better off without him. But concerned people especially my Mama said that I should take it easy. “Hayaan mo lang na nandiyan siya…”

I graduated and had a call for an office job at Cabanatuan City which I readily accepted because of the thought of being closer to him. Those were the most intimate moments of our relationship. But after three months, I resigned and accepted a job offer in Manila which parted me from him and my family. It lasted for a month but I was almost always travelling back to Cabanatuan just to see him (see how love sick I was?).

Then I accepted a job at Nueva Ecija and we were still happy. In fact, because of the position I was given in the university, we were already planning our future together. We were already exploring the possibilities of where he’ll be assigned if ever he’ll be an officer, where we will be building our house and so on. It seemed all happily ever after. And I was only 21.

Our 3^rd year together was approaching and a strain started to come into our relationship. He was taking his senior year and schedules for duty were hectic. He was the kind of boyfriend who would readily give his attention thus making me feel so important. At one point, I actually believed that I was the most important part of his life and I was very confident about it. But perhaps the pressure to graduate and physical exhaustion on his part changed his reaction to my “addiction”. I was puzzled why he started to get mad at me unlike before. Because of that, I even increased my tantrums only to seek more attention which made him even more frustrated because of my reactions.

Suddenly, something changed. One day, just I felt something was different, so I asked him. He felt the same and the question of religion resurfaced. He said that if I will not convert to his religion, we should just call it off. I agreed thinking that we should end it before it was too painful to break away from the relationship. The break-up was so tiring and we were both crying. But then, somehow I knew his reactions are quite not the same as before.

The first weeks were filled with him calling me telling me that he cannot let go of me just yet and he’s doing this so I will have no suitors yet. Then, less and less text messages and calls came until none. I started to be frustrated and worried. At that time, I was letting my parents know that I will convert to his religion but it doesn’t mean that I will renounce my religion. I’ll just convert for him.

Bottom line: I want us to get back together. I started visiting him at his dorm frequently but he seemed relieved without me. I was hurt and I would cry and he don’t want me crying so I learned not to cry in front of him. Little by little, he drifted away, like a ghost. The guy I knew seemed like a dream… as if not even alive in that body. He said that he is in tough times that I should just leave him be then we’ll sort things out after his duty. His duty ended and I was waiting, he said after his thesis, then there was death in the family, then the manuscript: still nothing from him.

It was early April and I still don’t know if he’ll be graduating. I heard from a friend and I went to him asking what happened. He said that he’s happy without me but that doesn’t mean that he don’t care for me. “Nakakabigat ka kasi sakin. ANg dami kong pinagdaanan na kung kasama kita, baka hindi ko nakaya.”

It was a blow, and I decided to leave him be. There are rumors that he has a girlfriend who visits him at his house and it just devastates me. I remember, sometime on February when his grandfather died, I went to the wake and he introduced me as his girlfriend to his relatives. The next night, I went again and he’s not there. Luckily, I have ___, one of his buddies also waiting for him. From 9:00 pm to 1:00 am we waited and he did not showed. ___ told me to let him go because of the things happening to me. It’s just wasn’t worth it. But when I asked him about that incident, he just said that he’s in the neighbor with his drinking pals. Some friends and neighbors said that he has a girl that night and he hides her from me. But since I know he is not capable of doing that kind of deception to me, I refused to believe.

Middle of April, we had a huge confrontation that mimics a scene from a drama series (really!) we were shouting, crying and telling each other how frustrated we are. Then I realized he has fallen out of love, so I said I will let him go. No matter what I do, it’s just not enough for him to take me back. It’s time to move on so I bade him good bye. However, we assured each other that we would still be friends. He even assured me that if ever he’ll have someone new, I’ll be informed. On the contrary, he doesn’t want to know if ever I’ll be dating other guys.

Early May, I was starting to feel okay without him. I just don’t want to be depressed. Then he started texting again asking me how I am, inquiring about my whereabouts: practically just nosing around my life again. I resisted at first but I can’t deny my heart’s desire to be reunited with him. Although I feel safer to be being with him, I maintained a distance emotionally (so I thought) by not talking about getting back with him but instead just being with him. I am happy and I think he’s enjoying my company as well. It’s like the old days but without the endearment, “I love yous” and “I miss yous” . He asked another time off from our shared time together because he has to review for his up-coming board exam on August. It fine with me. He even said that we can do whatever we want (going for a joy ride at Pantabangan, watching movies, ect. ) after the board exam. He even set our next date on August, before the exam as a lucky charm for the test. It’s sweet. I can’t deny my heart is leaping with the thought of getting back together after the exams.

Fateful day of June 27, 2010: Rosalyn and Ely’s wedding day. I went home to attend the occasion. Past 1:00 pm, my friend Majo, has to return home for a trip so I went with her because my motorcycle was parked at their yard. Before going back to the wedding, I decided I should pay him a visit and I turned towards his house. As I approach his house, I noticed that the door is open. “Ayos, may tao”. I parked, and went up the house. I was surprised to see his mother but since I’m familiar to the family, I’m comfortable. I made “mano” and she noticed my cold hands.

“Bakit ka nandito?”

“Napadaan lang po ako kasi kinasal po yung kabarkada ko eh naghatid po ako jan sa kanto kaya dumaan na po ako dito”

I saw a girl sitting not a far, holding Roy’s phone playing Nature’s Park (the sound…ehehe).

“Oh, bakit pumunta ka”

“Oh? Di ka nagtetetext. Hindi mo sinasagot yung tawag ko”

Then he pointed the girl.

“Nga pala, girlfriend ko”

I froze. “Eh? Hindi nga?”

“Oo nga.” Then he removed the ganging towel covering my view towards the girl.

“Oh, hi…” I said cheerfully. She just gave me a damp smile and continued her game. At first I thought it was a joke but he’s not. Roy looks nervous and I was losing my head. (just typing this part makes me feel cold and shake at the same time).

I think she’s taller than me, plain, simple, slim (the normal body) and straight hair. I can’t remember her face but I think she’s pretty.

“ah, pwede bang dun tayo sa baba?” I asked Roy.

“girlfriend mo ba talaga yun?”

“oo nga”

I shake. My heart is racing. I don’t know what to do.

“mahal mo ba siya?”

“oo naman/syempre naman mahal ko yun”

“shit”

I want to cry. Still shaking and palpitating.

“taga saan yun”

“dun”

“ganu na kayo katagal”

“nun”

(sorry, I can’t make out this part. It’s a problem with emotional memory, it gets altered easily especially if its emotionally relevant)

“hala, niloko mo ako”

He made his “ayan-ka –na-naman” gesture and like an obedient pet, I stopped. To the last point, I was under his power.

Then I excused myself and drove home…