Sunday and Monday...

I went to mass last Sunday and I think I forgot the time when I last attended a service. As expected, I just cried there, thinking how a church full of people can be a very peaceful place for a weary heart. I also appreciated that the songs in this parish are very familiar to me. I've been practically singing those praise songs since the day I could follow a melody.

The pain I am into is not really that obvious, they say that I was really amazing for enduring such emotional distress. Others would fret in this kind of threat but I was chewing my share. Resilience perhaps is a gift of mine that there seemed to be an automatic button that turns on when I feel down and frustrated. It was even remarked that I have been coping well cause despite everything, I can still function well. Of course, I am hurting, I cry from time to time, I have had regrets and frustrations. After that feeling, the switch will be on and I will start feeling relieved and positive again, letting me see the goodness of my experience. I'm just not sure if its okay to be this way but I think as long as it serves me well, it's okay.

But as soon as I entered the church, I started feeling helpless, just like a child would go to his father and crying and telling how a playmate made fun of her (or something). I just cried there, being helpless, enjoying Lord's attention, enjoying His soothing peacefulness. One doctor once said that after everything else is gone, people really resort to a higher power, being that comforts everything. He is my ultimate strength and I really believed that I am loved and cared for by Him in many many ways.

Just a while ago, my ex boyfriend texted me asked me how I was. It was really surreal because the timing. Then it was very unusual because at first, I was very anxious, then, it was relief. I realized that there is not monster anymore. There's nothing to be afraid of, nothing to be frustrated about. The man I fell in love is is no longer in him, he is just not he seemed to be, used to be. I just don’t see him as before and perhaps I was blinded by my love. Welcome to the real world. He is detached, emotionally blunt and shows no remorse on the things he did. Well, nice meeting you too, mister.

I think I can go home now. It’s the beginning of a new day and I am excited.