Congratulations to me!
I went home to Gabaldon feeling sad and blue but now I am positive that I will leave today (or tomorrow depending on the road condition) with hope and ease. Actually, I made peace with myself and the situation last night.
Okay, here's the story:
I came home feeling uneasy on the thought that I might see my monster. I went to my friend's house and she shared news about the monster. Congrats, he passed the board exam, which I have been expecting. He is very determined to be a police officer and I know he will be one. The next news is about the new girl. She's "in-too- deep" already for as stated in their stories, she has been coming home to his house and so is he. Some times, she even stay for days (like now, she's been in his house for a week now. Oh c'mon, let's be realistic here! You know what's happening…n_n). Anyway, I was really bothered by the subsequent stories about his girls even before we broke-up. It seems that my "very faithful, loyal and loving ex" is not so true at all. The truth was he has several encounters with girls even before we broke-up. He has been playing with my feelings after the break-up by not admitting he has girlfriends. He lied.
All these years, he was able to paint a very saintly picture of him, that his love for me is beyond physical appearance (well, I'm not really THAT pretty). Okay lang yan, hindi ka naman mataba. Maganda ka naman. Wag ka nang mag-aayos, magpapaligaw ka ba? I really believed him, I did. Up to the last moment, I decided I want to talk to him, ask him my million WHYs. But when I got home, my mama told me that those WHYs have a single answer: NALOKO AKO. I have been fooled. Why? MANLOLOKO SIYA. Why? Perhaps he's not interested anymore. NALOKO AKO NG MANLOLOKO.
Well, maybe at some point he loved me, but the last part is not, NALOKO NA NGA AKO EH. He will not be sorry because a MANLOLOKO will not apologize. I cannot know for now his main reason but I should let it pass. There's no use bothering myself about THAT MANLOLOKO.
Why are there MANLOLOKOs? Humanness; a part of the diversity of human behavior.
Enough, NALOKO NA AKO.
So… I have to move on. I can move on. I will move on. I have no further business minding him or his life.
Hindi ko pa matanggap ang nagyari kasi naniniwala ako na mabuti siya sa akin, na nagmahal siya sa akin ng totoo, na mahal niya ako. Hanggang naniniwala ako doon, hindi ako makakamove on. Tanggapin ko na nag katotohanan na hindi na kailangan ng expalnation kasi naloko na ako, nagsinungaling na. Hindi ka lolokohin ng taong may concern sayo. Matagal ko na ito dapat tinanggap pero parang ngayon ko lang siya narinig. Gagaling na ang sugat ko, makakalaya na ako.n_n
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Chasing Karen…n_n
Sunday, September 26, 2010
1:51 PM
These past few weeks have been hectic, physically and emotionally. I was so happy about the things I had accomplished that produces much-needed self-esteem. I have also been window shopping for potential boyfriends (yeah!) considering my recuperation period. Honestly, I have been enjoying my solitary for some time now which made me think about quite a lot about my life: my mistakes, my blessings and especially, the lessons. But this is not what I want to share for the moment, but the 'specs' of my ideal soon-to-be boyfriend (I'll enjoy this!).
1. He is a THE man. Yup, my stereotype of my man. This is not physical, mind you but the way he carries himself. People around me have the idea that I am attracted to rugged guys (which I think is true). They are so cute because they give you the feeling of security. But of course, most of those guys are attracted to slim sexy girls who needs some kind of protecting (oh crap…). Anyway, I am still allowed to have my ideals, right?
2. He is sensible. It was amazing how two guys talking about the same thing but has totally different effect on me. I have met guys who bored me to death when they talk (or text). It's not really the choice of topic but how the topic is being carried. Pagdadala. There should be spontaneity and fluidity. He can make any topic really interesting.
3. He is in control. I like dominant guys (but not the bossy type). He should be able to show his dominance for me to let down my guard. I have a tendency to intimidate people whom are not able to handle me. I should be able to lean on him in times of needs. But don't get me wrong, he should be also ready to show emotions if he had to. Don’t need that macho man if he'll snap later on because of undisclosed distress (no whiners please!).
4. Finally, he'll let me know or I'll know if its him…n_-. I'm not pretty, not sexy but my soul mate will look pass all of that.
These statements are good for my current state of mind because I may be just missing my ex (not that he posses all 3 characteristics). One of my learning in this experience is that I really don’t have a stable ideal guys I tend to like what I see when I see them. It's all about fate. Perhaps only the last part will remain true all through out: I'll know.
I thank the break-up for letting me discover new aspects of my self which I was missing. I can feel myself now, my individuality, my femininity. I cannot even remember the last time I felt this. Is this the first time?
1:51 PM
These past few weeks have been hectic, physically and emotionally. I was so happy about the things I had accomplished that produces much-needed self-esteem. I have also been window shopping for potential boyfriends (yeah!) considering my recuperation period. Honestly, I have been enjoying my solitary for some time now which made me think about quite a lot about my life: my mistakes, my blessings and especially, the lessons. But this is not what I want to share for the moment, but the 'specs' of my ideal soon-to-be boyfriend (I'll enjoy this!).
1. He is a THE man. Yup, my stereotype of my man. This is not physical, mind you but the way he carries himself. People around me have the idea that I am attracted to rugged guys (which I think is true). They are so cute because they give you the feeling of security. But of course, most of those guys are attracted to slim sexy girls who needs some kind of protecting (oh crap…). Anyway, I am still allowed to have my ideals, right?
2. He is sensible. It was amazing how two guys talking about the same thing but has totally different effect on me. I have met guys who bored me to death when they talk (or text). It's not really the choice of topic but how the topic is being carried. Pagdadala. There should be spontaneity and fluidity. He can make any topic really interesting.
3. He is in control. I like dominant guys (but not the bossy type). He should be able to show his dominance for me to let down my guard. I have a tendency to intimidate people whom are not able to handle me. I should be able to lean on him in times of needs. But don't get me wrong, he should be also ready to show emotions if he had to. Don’t need that macho man if he'll snap later on because of undisclosed distress (no whiners please!).
4. Finally, he'll let me know or I'll know if its him…n_-. I'm not pretty, not sexy but my soul mate will look pass all of that.
These statements are good for my current state of mind because I may be just missing my ex (not that he posses all 3 characteristics). One of my learning in this experience is that I really don’t have a stable ideal guys I tend to like what I see when I see them. It's all about fate. Perhaps only the last part will remain true all through out: I'll know.
I thank the break-up for letting me discover new aspects of my self which I was missing. I can feel myself now, my individuality, my femininity. I cannot even remember the last time I felt this. Is this the first time?
I Remember
Thursday, October 07, 2010
9:27 PM
I remember the girl, but I cant remember the feelings anymore… Is this familiar? Nah…
I remember the boy and still remember the feeling as if I was living it. I don’t know when will come the time that I could live an hour without him visiting my thoughts. I hate it every time I think about him, anything that is associated with him. Come to think of it, he is not really "the catch" and I know I should've known better to cry over him. People would tell me that he is not really my lost in the end, that many more will come, way better than him. At this point, I can feel that my worth as a woman has come up than before I was with him. The problem with me is that I have equated my with his affection and relationship with me. Any girl should always be guided by their identity and self, not with anyone else.
Well, I hope the best for him. I noticed that the board exam result had came up and I hope that he passed. I know he passed and this will be the start of his uphill climb. He should be able to take life seriously now, and not everything will be easy but he'll manage. He has dreams and the necessary determination to achieve them. I was hoping that I will be the one to share the sweetness of that success but I was found lacking so some other girl is on that position right now. She'll enjoy it.
As for me, I should be able to forgive myself for thinking that I can be the one, that he is the one. I should be able to forgive destiny for wrecking my plans and my dreams. I should be able to forgive myself and let go. Forgive and let go. I have my own struggles and fixing my heart and mind in the past and envying their sweet moments will do me no good. Travel your own path girl and somewhere along that road, you'll find what is right for you, what is meant for you. Live and love. Life goes on.
9:27 PM
I remember the girl, but I cant remember the feelings anymore… Is this familiar? Nah…
I remember the boy and still remember the feeling as if I was living it. I don’t know when will come the time that I could live an hour without him visiting my thoughts. I hate it every time I think about him, anything that is associated with him. Come to think of it, he is not really "the catch" and I know I should've known better to cry over him. People would tell me that he is not really my lost in the end, that many more will come, way better than him. At this point, I can feel that my worth as a woman has come up than before I was with him. The problem with me is that I have equated my with his affection and relationship with me. Any girl should always be guided by their identity and self, not with anyone else.
Well, I hope the best for him. I noticed that the board exam result had came up and I hope that he passed. I know he passed and this will be the start of his uphill climb. He should be able to take life seriously now, and not everything will be easy but he'll manage. He has dreams and the necessary determination to achieve them. I was hoping that I will be the one to share the sweetness of that success but I was found lacking so some other girl is on that position right now. She'll enjoy it.
As for me, I should be able to forgive myself for thinking that I can be the one, that he is the one. I should be able to forgive destiny for wrecking my plans and my dreams. I should be able to forgive myself and let go. Forgive and let go. I have my own struggles and fixing my heart and mind in the past and envying their sweet moments will do me no good. Travel your own path girl and somewhere along that road, you'll find what is right for you, what is meant for you. Live and love. Life goes on.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Revisiting "Pagdadala Model"
Saturday, August 28, 2010
9:26 PM
This week has been particularly heavy for me. I found myself one step forward and two steps backwards. My experience of betrayal and hurt continues to hunt me as I fall into episodes of deep sadness and frustration. I was praying hard to accept and heal and a sign was given...
I was attempting to write a paper about a wife's experience on the husband's unfaithfulness. The 'Burden Bearer's Tale (Pagdadala) is perfect in understanding the unique experience of women facing betrayal and infidelity. I am specifically concern on the journey of forgiveness, moving- on and acceptance. Anyway, while trying to put the puzzle pieces together, I know I will have to revisit and rediscover my own experiences. So, I grabbed my sketch pad and started scribbling my thoughts down. I also revisited the book that changed how I look life: Rehab. Luckily, I decided to bring it home along with the books I intend to read: Management by Culture and Filipino Work Values both by FL Jocano. So I read…
" A burden is something we receive. It is given to us and thus accepted by us. We are not passive bearers because we have choices whether to carry a particular burden or not. Once accepted, the act of burden-bearing starts. Since receiving comes with the interaction of destiny and self, the burden-bearer finds it hard to accept the burden if s/he is not prepared for it.
Path should be chosen to achieve a destination. No matter what, a burden should be brought to the destination, otherwise, the burden-bearer fails the journey. Take note, however, that the burden is not static. Things change as it is carried out through the journey. Sometimes, as it changes, the path and destination is affected making the trip difficult. The worst case scenario here is that the burden is not worth carrying anymore, which can be realized by the bearer him/herself or will be pointed out by others. At this point, the bearer fails. The self, burden and destination is conencted."
Bottomline:
When me and my ex decided to accept the burden of being in a relationship four years ago, we embarked on a journey with 'spending the rest of out lives togethe'r as the final destination. But things changed during the journey and we have to drop it. He did it but I didn’t.
The new status of my relationship with my ex was so sudden that I was hardly even prepared for the separation (though we are not formally bf/gf anymore). Since I am not prepared, I can't accept that I am officially single! The burden of the relationship too great that I have postponed some parts of my life to protect my destructed sense of self that has been connected to him.
It's all about dropping the old destination to continue life. It is really my choice on where to go.n_n. My next destination may not be as clear as before but I'm setting short term goals for the moment. As of now, my earliest goal is to finish my mini paper on Pagdadala, aja!
OR…
This could be hormonal. *sigh -_-
I'm hopeful though…n_n
9:26 PM
This week has been particularly heavy for me. I found myself one step forward and two steps backwards. My experience of betrayal and hurt continues to hunt me as I fall into episodes of deep sadness and frustration. I was praying hard to accept and heal and a sign was given...
I was attempting to write a paper about a wife's experience on the husband's unfaithfulness. The 'Burden Bearer's Tale (Pagdadala) is perfect in understanding the unique experience of women facing betrayal and infidelity. I am specifically concern on the journey of forgiveness, moving- on and acceptance. Anyway, while trying to put the puzzle pieces together, I know I will have to revisit and rediscover my own experiences. So, I grabbed my sketch pad and started scribbling my thoughts down. I also revisited the book that changed how I look life: Rehab. Luckily, I decided to bring it home along with the books I intend to read: Management by Culture and Filipino Work Values both by FL Jocano. So I read…
" A burden is something we receive. It is given to us and thus accepted by us. We are not passive bearers because we have choices whether to carry a particular burden or not. Once accepted, the act of burden-bearing starts. Since receiving comes with the interaction of destiny and self, the burden-bearer finds it hard to accept the burden if s/he is not prepared for it.
Path should be chosen to achieve a destination. No matter what, a burden should be brought to the destination, otherwise, the burden-bearer fails the journey. Take note, however, that the burden is not static. Things change as it is carried out through the journey. Sometimes, as it changes, the path and destination is affected making the trip difficult. The worst case scenario here is that the burden is not worth carrying anymore, which can be realized by the bearer him/herself or will be pointed out by others. At this point, the bearer fails. The self, burden and destination is conencted."
Bottomline:
When me and my ex decided to accept the burden of being in a relationship four years ago, we embarked on a journey with 'spending the rest of out lives togethe'r as the final destination. But things changed during the journey and we have to drop it. He did it but I didn’t.
The new status of my relationship with my ex was so sudden that I was hardly even prepared for the separation (though we are not formally bf/gf anymore). Since I am not prepared, I can't accept that I am officially single! The burden of the relationship too great that I have postponed some parts of my life to protect my destructed sense of self that has been connected to him.
It's all about dropping the old destination to continue life. It is really my choice on where to go.n_n. My next destination may not be as clear as before but I'm setting short term goals for the moment. As of now, my earliest goal is to finish my mini paper on Pagdadala, aja!
OR…
This could be hormonal. *sigh -_-
I'm hopeful though…n_n
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Negativity...
Whitey. Photo by: KDA
minsan naiisip ko nakakainggit ang pusa... parang walan silang ibang concern kundi food, unlike satin, daming issues.
From time to time, I experience sadness, anxiety, regret, frustration, hurt, guilt, pain and any adjective that describes the feeling of being betrayed. I still cry, during the nights when I feel so alone and cheated, when sadness and emptiness creeps into the darkness as I lay awake. I also cry when I imagine our past, how happy and contented I was with him. Sometimes, I even want to go back in time and perhaps a decision could change the course of history. I also cry when my mind plays the game of anticipation if ever I would see him very happy and in-love with his new girl. But most of all, I cry when I remember how I believed and trusted him, when he broke my heart and was not sorry for doing so.
At this point, I ask, "why me?".There are so many girls out there who seemed to jump from one man to another but still being wanted? There are people whom are honestly loved but doesn’t give a damn. There are people who repel the affection of others. I have given my whole heart to a man that after just a few months of our break-up found another and lied to me about it. I have loved a man whom I accompanied during the lowest points of his life and then dumped me when things went his way. Some even remarked that it is possible that he just used me.
Well, sometimes I really need to cry, to feel the negativity and then react negatively to it. I cant always hide and fight the pain, I want to experience it. This is one of those times.
When will this all go away?
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